Afraid I'm looking for something wrong

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  • #943552 Reply

    hi all. 25 and living in NYC and my dad died 3 months ago lol. I’ve been seeing a guy since September, before my dad died, and he has been insanely sweet and thoughtful. He has gotten me soup when I had the flu a month after my dad died. He has sent cookies to my apartment twice. He and I have had about 9 dates since September. I’ve been home a lot for the funeral, bereavement time, and the holidays and just recently my dad’s birthday passed which was hard. He has not pressured me at all with physical intimacy and I gave him an out when my dad died because its a lot but he said told me he just wants to be there for me however I see fit and wants to keep getting to know me. He’s been really great and something I am not used to when dating guys. I feel very comfortable around him and feel like I can be fully myself. We have only kissed. Nothing else.

    I am worried I feel like something is missing. I have no urge for sex, or any type of physical intimacy with everything I’ve been through obviously and he has not been forcing it all. He’s been reading my cues very well. I don’t even feel comfortable to hold hands. He has not invited me back to his place yet. He has made suggestions that we are a couple and has told his friends and brother about me. We have Valentine’s Day plans. But I don’t feel butterflies when I see him. I freeze when he tells me he misses me. I absolutely just don’t know how to respond. I need to tell him I am not ready at all yet for physical intimacy and be very clear with him so he can make his own decision about all of this. He has also paid for every date. I feel like that episode in sex and the city when Carrie sees the engagement ring and throws up lol. I feel like I can’t just enjoy being treated well because I am unsure if this is actually going into a nice place because, of well, my own thinking. He is a breath of fresh air and of course something nice happens when my dad dies!! lol

    #943553 Reply

    I think you are not emotionally available. A lot of things has happened in your life and you know sometimes the guy might be sweet but ultimately you can’t force yourself.

    #943554 Reply

    Sounds like a great guy. Ask him for some space, like 2-4 weeks. Tell him you really appreciate how much he’s been there for you and you’re processing big grief and just need some time on your own. Go have the time to process. While he’s certainly not pressuring you, you are feeling some pressure and in your state of mind you aren’t going to make a good decision about him. I’m not surprised you don’t feel attraction because in a grieving state it’s hard to feel much other than the grief. Take some space and you will either find you miss him or you know he’s not it for you. And it may take longer than a few weeks. That’s OK too. Sorry about your dad.

    #943555 Reply

    You’ve posted before, and I’m sorry things haven’t improved between dating and your father’s health. Since you are both grieving and have an anxious attachment style, it makes sense you are not emotionally available to a man that’s trying to be there for you. If he is emotionally available and not out of your reach then it’s normal to not feel butterflies because you’re not longing for him, your anxious attachment will interpret his interest and consistency as boring. This is something to chat further with your therapist about. Listen to your body though, telling you that you are under a lot of stress, and don’t pressure yourself. Be patient and gracious with yourself, have compassion for yourself, because you’re going through an extremely difficult time plus have issues from before your father passed layered in as well. It’s okay if the timing isn’t good for you to date right now. I’m sorry for your loss.

    #943571 Reply

    Thanks all. I really appreciate the input. I’m a bit concerned he’s not the right one for me but its been so refreshing and he’s been really supportive and a nice guy I feel kinda dumb to let him go but I know he would understand. I may propose the mini break to assess how I feel. As for the sex part – I told him I am not ready for that and don’t have a crystal ball when I will be and he said he wouldn’t expect me too and seems ok with it. I really just don’t have a sex drive in general right now and thats not because of him obviously. It’s been a tough past 6 months overall to be honest.

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