Advice


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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ava 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #791184 Reply

    Ava

    Hi guys

    Sorry to ask what probably sounds like a stupid question, I think I just need someone to tell me I’m being an idiot.
    I started seeing a man ten years older than me about 6 months ago. We got on really well, we can talk for hours about anything and were physically very attracted to each other. He’s 43 and hasn’t had a relationship of more than a few months since his twenties which I guess should have rang alarm bells, reading between the lines I think he often ends things.

    We’re both fairly aloof when it comes to electronic communication but we were seeing each other regularly so I didn’t worry too much. Just before the lockdown I got a big promotion which means I’ll be moving a few hours away, he knows that but not that I’ll still be in the area regularly even without an excuse (or that I’d want to see him – we weren’t seeing other people but we’d never agreed to be exclusive) but I figured I would tell him all the finer details in person and at least gauge what his thoughts were, but that never happened because of corona and though we initially kept in touch via text and he did initiate after a couple of weeks he stopped initiating. I gave it a couple of weeks before texting, I had a sudden thought that maybe he might be struggling since he lives alone (though isn’t really the type you’d think would take it that hard) and just checked in, he was pretty chatty and asked questions, followed up the next morning bug then went quiet. I again left him be but checked in again after a few more weeks, he didn’t reply for three days, then did, again chatty, asked questions but didn’t read my reply for three days (which was chatty but didn’t ask any direct questions) and didn’t reply to that.

    This is two weeks later. I guess normally I’d be convinced he’s just gone off me for whatever reason (and I know that’s 99% the case now) but I just felt like we had a really good connection and I guess there’s that horrible little voice in the back of my head asking if he’s just thinking it’s not worth pursuing because I’m leaving and he thinks once I’m gone I’ll just meet someone else (though he’s handsome and smart and charismatic there’s been a couple of little hints that he’s not 100% self confident), or if he’s having some sort of lockdown related meltdown where he just doesn’t want to talk to anyone.

    I don’t want to text him again an humiliate myself, I wonder if I should find an excuse to say something when this is all over. Mostly I just want someone to tell me 100% there’s no way to salvage this because at the moment I’m kind of heartbroken though aside from sending a couple of texts asking how things were going I haven’t said anything.

    Thanks

    #791207 Reply

    Paige

    If you want someone to tell you that you’re being an idiot, okay: You’re being an idiot.

    You’ve been “seeing him” for six months and he hasn’t had a relationship longer than a few months since he was 20.

    You’ve more than passed your expiration date and he’s cruising the produce aisle again.

    Let it go.

    #791208 Reply

    Newbie

    You didnt humiliate yourself by checking up on him. You were seeing each other for 6 months. But he clearly checked out and his dating history already told you that. Youre moving away for a good job. Good for you. You had some fun with a single guy. Also good for you. Now time to move on. I see nothing of him being interested in more. He would have made that clear. He didnt. Good luck

    #791212 Reply

    Newbie

    Oh i read the ages wrong. I read you were 10 years older so 53 but youre 10 years younger, 33. So Yes then its even more important to move on. You can let him know you sense youre not on the same page but that you are looking for a relationship. And if he doesnt want to step up, you have to say goodbye. And maybe you can say goodbye later face to face. Based on the idea you might want kids. You have a whole new town to date after youre setlled.

    #791213 Reply

    Ava

    Thanks guys, I know you’re right it’s just such a weird time with the lockdown. I was in a really long term relationship before this and so I haven’t been dating since my early twenties when men who just wanted sex were a lot more obvious about it.

    Dating (maybe I wasn’t clear in my message but we always went on dates, shows, meals etc not just sex) for months and it all falling apart without any verbal acknowledgement, just communication tailing off, is very new to me and it has been quite tough to accept, but I think part of why it feels so painful is because of new job nerves/not being able to see friends and family etc. I will take your advice and forget about him anyway, so thanks.

    #791215 Reply

    Newbie

    I wasnt assuming this guy was just looking for sex but casual company. You could have known at some point when he never made his intentions clear and a deeper level of bonding didnt occur. If he would have been really into you, he would have stayed in touch for sure. Dont have regrets

    #791257 Reply

    mell

    You’re doing your best. It’s tough and sometimes people ghost on you. I’m sorry it’s happened to you. 6 months is long enough for it to really sting.

    It’s him and not you – he sounds like he isn’t used to seeing anyone for longer than a few months, and it’s going to be hard for you to get past that unless he honestly wants to. Unfortunately since he’s dropped contact, all you can do is leave him be.

    You’re not an idiot. But short of something like his phone dying, there’s no explanation fo him dropping you unless he’s gone off dating you – and you can’t fix that. If you want closure, you can message him but I doubt it would change things.

    You’ve got so many things and people to look forward to – it’ll be ok.

    #791392 Reply

    Ava

    Thanks both.

    It’s definitely not a technological problem – as mentioned when I last text him (weeks ago now) he did get back to me and was chatty/asking questions etc but let’s the conversation die straight away (and previously would message every few days maximum whereas now it’s been the best part of two months since we’ve been in regular contact).

    I guess he’s met someone else – though not sure how since we’re supposed to be in lockdown. It’s just hard to wrap my head around it because the last time I saw him he was suggesting future dates and sharing intimate family secrets etc. But he’s always hinted he has issues with commitment (not that I was putting any pressure on him but I guess the move would have meant having to step it up a bit) and stereotypical issues with his dad. I’ve just never met a man like that before – going from so into it to not even the courtesy of letting me know when it was over without any real warning.

    Anyway I’m feeling kind of down about it but better every day and will know better in the future.

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