I love my boyfriend but he's cheap! What should I do??


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  • #626077
    onkiki

    Hi all

    this topic is always so hot after 2 years. I read in some other forum of similar iissue of Cheap bf. I dating my bf for a year and he is the 50/50 split the meal person since the day we decided to be exclusive. however, he will pay for desserts or drinks in addition to the meals which usually are not costing more than $10. So does it seems like 30/70 split like all have been insisting.. lol..

    One thing for sure is he will make sure we dont pay for each other meals which seems like a fair person. His birthday is round the corner and he is not expecting any gifts from me although i have been insisting to get him one. so that count him as a cheap bf?

    #626078
    onkiki

    To add on he is earning less than me, living with his parent, has no financial burden, have a good stable job and income. he is just a frugal person who only spend on basic things and wont buy anything unless is necessary.

    #638937
    Brenda

    Dating a man who is cheap is difficult, but I rationalize that his qualities as a human being are worth it. He sometimes shocks me by his support and friendship like when I’m sick and he brings me soup. Am I trying to justify the behavior?
    Isn’t that something that you do anyway when you have been in a long relationship?
    Yet at the same time he is not affectionate, never says I love you, no show of emotion unless he wants sex. He pays for our meals but dinner is always at a diner. I got gift from by birthday—it was from the dollar store. I almost passed out once when he spent $250 on me. That was long ago. There is never a hint of a romantic gesture—ever—
    When he has brought me to a business dinner the money was flowing to entertain his friends and investors. He makes ten times the money I do, but at the grocery store he sees me dig through my bag for that $50 payment the cashier eagerly waits for. My face red with embarrassment I finally found my card. I am definitely scratching my head.

    #638959
    Ann-1

    Out of curiosity, is there a gentle way to discuss with a guy your dating that you would like him to pay?

    I was dating this guy and in my mind I was thinking that if guy wants to date me he needs to be spending a bit more. What I mean is paying for dinner. We always split dinner but he always pays for my drinks. I’ve picked up a small dinner tab before and he was completely ok with it-he’s not cheap but to me it doesn’t give a provider vibe. What does everyone think about this?

    Brenda-I guess the question would be how long you have been together? Would you say your a priority? I don’t have good advice for you (I’ll let the other ladies reply) but those questions come to mind.

    #638960
    Georgia

    Ann- I’m not sure I would ever be direct. I’d probably pay the next time and when he said thanks I’d look him in the eye and say with joy, “It was my pleasure! And I know you aim to be generous with me!” Also, when he does pay for the drinks I’d also be really super appreciative and talk about how you feel so treated! And then in a few weeks if he hasn’t caught on I’d decide if it’s a deal breaker for me or not (it is- generosity is on my needs list).

    #638964
    Ann-1

    That’s a good idea, thanks, I’ll try it! He has insisted paying before, but has not paid for dinner. He paid in full once but then next time I felt like I should pay and I paid the whole thing.

    I have been offering to pay my half on everything-I felt like it was the appropriate thing to do (i.e. not expecting him to pay). What if I just stop offering? Would that be rude?

    Unintentionally, I’ve been talking about things in general and I think he’s catching on that I’m a person who’s used to guys paying for me and that my expectations are pretty highly (honestly I quite high maintenance when it comes to money). I’m sure if I asked him to pay he would, but it’s kind of awkward lol.

    #638965
    Georgia

    I think it’d be perfectly okay not to say a thing when the.bill comes. Let him get out his wallet and then give him a flirty smile and say, “Thank you, baby.” If you feel super bad you could add on a, “can I get us some dessert?”

    #638968
    Anonymous

    Oh gosh, your taking me back to the cheap boyfriend I had at 25..lol

    He had to be the worse. Everything was 50/50. It drove me bananas. I recall us going to Disney World and it was all 50/50…this can be ultimately impossible. One night I paid for dinner, the next night he paid. He had a fit the next day in the afternoon because he paid for margarita’s for us at Epcot Center. He felt it wasn’t even. You should do yourself a favor and drop him now before it gets worse. It’s not worth it and this type of guy wouldn’t be a good mate. Very immature and cheap. That was one reasons I ended the relationship. I’m now 34 and engaged to a very generous man.

    #638969
    Ann-1

    Ok that sounds good, thank you!

    #638972
    Ann-1

    Anonymous that sounds terrible! I would get so annoyed over that, I’m very generous with my money.

    I’m on fence-it’s not 50/50 technically, he’s paid a lot more for me. We haven’t gone to dinner or anything like that for awhile, having a harder time gauging him. Maybe I’ll just end up stating what I want see how he reacts.

    #638983
    Sherry

    My bf is cheap when it comes to spending time with me. He says he is ao busy, which seems to be true, and he will show off saying he comes to me first thing on a Saturday afternoon after work, leaving all his household chores at home for Sunday. But this happens only once in a week when he really misses me. Other days, he’d be so ‘busy’ with work. After work he’d be busy with eating cooking, spending time with families flatmates friends. He says he barely has time for himself. But I sew he is genwrous about spending time with lots of others but me. Is he also cheap?

    #639036
    Helen

    OMG, my (current) boyfriend was like this at the start! He is British too. I sat him down and said it was WAY embarrassing to be having this conversation as its not something I’ve had to do before but when a guy takes me out on a date I would expect him to pay for it. If thats not what he is into then fine but then he’s not for me. I didn’t care where we went $5 burger and beer but its the principle that matters. I agree with previous posters though… I have a good job and can afford some (not all) of the lovely things we do together but the willingness of a guy to pay is indicative of their interest in you.

    Fast forward a year and my boyfriend is SO generous. He picks up 100% of the meals we have together and I will pick up the smaller things most of the time. He has taken me on holidays and we’ve had some incredible dates, he earns a lot more than me. It was uncomfortable at first as I was used to offering but eventually I got used to saying ‘thank you’ after he has picked up the tab.

    One thing I will say is that you do have to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Whilst I didn’t know when I first say my boyfriend down I now know that he paid fully for his ex, she lived with him and didn’t contribute rent/ bills THEN she was studying so he started paying her a salary through his company so she could afford to live. As soon as the company started having problems she was out of there. Though he never said so as he was embarrassed at being taken for a ride OF COURSE he was going to be tentative and hold back… So I would recommend giving the guy the benefit of the doubt as they will have a full history you don’t know about.

    #639037
    Helen

    *I should mention I always said thank you anyway… It was more that instead of offering to pay I had to stay quiet and then say ‘thank you’ after he had paid!!!

    #639318
    ANN

    RUN girl. I’ve been in relationship for 9 years with this guy. I saw all those sign in the beginning and it just gets worse. The resentment will destroy the relationship. I finally had enough. Same examples you gave… gets worse and worse.. so unattractive! Don’t settle!

    #639354
    Mike

    Let me begin by saying that I enjoy this forum and talking with the ladies on here about relationships.

    That being said, the amount of entitlement in this thread is simply infuriating. To suggest that the OP should break up with someone she “loves” because he is cheap (somehow 50/50 has been redefined as cheap instead of equitable) is the epitome of shallowness.

    I usually pay for the first few dates, and after that, I expect that the woman and I split everything. Gasp, I know! How dare I regard myself as an equal in a relationship.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by ANM Staff.
    #639377
    Aida

    Hi Mike, I appreciated reading what your wrote. This is difficult topic. On the one hand it seems that if a man doesn’t want to take a woman out and pay, he’s not that interested. That’s what we read everywhere and honestly it’s what it feels like. But there’s no reason he should pay always and forever, either.

    I hate splitting the bill every time, it feels so “even-steven.” I hate that even-steven feeling. I like it to be a little more natural and organic. My boyfriend has paid almost every time when we’ve gone out–he grabs the check before it can hit the table, every time. When we’ve gone out afterwards I’ve gotten our drinks. Not as expensive as a nice dinner, of course.

    He came over and helped me build something at my house (I paid for all the material) and I made a really nice dinner for him after, then the next time we went out I insisted on paying for dinner to thank him for helping me out with that project. We went to his friend’s BBQ the other day and he had picked up beer but told me the host had asked for wine so I asked him to stop at a store and I got the wine. I’ve given him little gifts, too.

    The thing is, it feels so nice when he takes me out. It makes me feel like he cares about me and wants to take care of me. I can’t help that. When a guy pays or does things for me, it makes me feel loved. I dated a guy before him that I really liked, but from day one we split the bill evenly for every single thing, and it felt so…transactional.

    But it’s very important to me that my boyfriend not feel taken advantage of. He’s had some bad experiences with women looking for a free ride because he has a lot of money. I’m independent and the opposite of looking for a free ride, and he respects me for that.

    I guess my question for you is, in your mind do I really have to try to pay for every other meal when we eat out or split the tab evenly every time in order for things to be “fair”?? Or can it be more organic than that, as in I get concert tickets one time and the next time he does, without both of us keeping perfect track? I feel like anything else smells of one person waiting to be taken advantage of by the other. It seems like if both people care about and trust each other, it should all even out in the end. What do you think?

    #639390
    Mike

    Aida,

    Thank you for your well thought out response. I don’t it’s necessary to keep track of every penny spent to make sure it’s exactly 50-50, but at the same time, I see no reason why I should have to invest more into the relationship financially than the person I’m dating. Your reasoning is that it “feels so nice”. It would feel so nice if my girlfriend paid for my stuff also, but we respect each other, so we try to keep things pretty even. When one person is contributing significantly more to the relationship than the other person, in my opinion, it’s exploitative.

    Summarily, I see no reason why the man should have to contribute more (financially) to the relationship to the woman, other than ill-advised traditions.

    Here are two of my experiences with paying for women’s dates.

    Girl number one ended our relationship because I didn’t let her pay for anything. She told me that it was a sign that I viewed her as weak, and she didn’t appreciate it.

    Girl number two was not my girlfriend. We went out a few times for dinner and drinks, nothing crazy. I asked her out again and she literally told me, “I’m not interested in seeing you again, I was just using you for food. Sorry.”

    And as of now, if a woman continues to insist that I pay for dates, I feel exploited. So I’m just sharing my personal thoughts and experiences, and I appreciate that yours may differ.

    Relating my post to the topic at hand, the OP says that she loves her boyfriend but is willing to end things with him because he’s splitting things 50-50 with her. That, to me, is just asinine. I’ve been in love one time in my entire life. If I am ever lucky enough to experience that again, I wouldn’t end a relationship with that person over equitable treatment. The only things that would ever cause me to end a relationship with someone I truly love would be infidelity or differences in life goals (I want children and she doesn’t). That’s it.

    #639392
    Ann-1

    Mike-
    It’s great to get a guy’s response on this! Definitely a hot topic.

    I’m curious as to your thoughts on this, but I’ve been hearing a lot the the man and women should be equals when it comes to the relationship and money. But women are the ones having children (which IMO is quite a big thing to do-the pain and consequences of having children take a huge toll). So if everything except having children was 50/50, wouldn’t things really not be because of children? I was just curious on your thoughts on that?

    #639397
    Amz

    So I don’t think that a woman should ever date a man who’s cheap and is very tit-for-tat and 50/50 with everything. That speaks of deeper issues that will haunt the relationship forever.

    But on the other hand when a guy pays for most things and/or every date, that also doesn’t sit well with me. I dated a guy recently who insisted on paying for everything. It was alright, at first, especially as I was very broke and he liked going to really fancy places which I couldn’t afford to split the bill with him anyway. But it also made me feel guilty, especially as on the second date, I tried to buy us both a drink and he wouldn’t allow it. It was just one small drink and would’ve let me feel like I was contributing a tiny bit. But I couldn’t and I didn’t like that he wouldn’t let me. By the time we got to the 5th date, it was clear I just couldn’t develop my feelings for him the way he seemed to be for me and the guilt was killing me, as I felt I owed him after he’d paid for so many dates. I did end it though and I’m glad I did, because he deserved to find someone who felt the same way. And I didn’t want him to keep wasting time and money on me when it wasn’t going anywhere.

    In conclusion, I think it’s good to find a happy medium. I won’t put up with a cheap tit-for-tat guy, but also don’t think that a super generous guy is necessarily the answer either. The guy should pay for the first date, I like that (doesn’t have to be somewhere expensive). But not every date always and allow me to chip-in and contribute at times too. It’s complicated, yes, and most guys seem to fall into one category or the other, but I think it’s possible…

    #639402
    Aida

    Mike,

    Thanks for responding. You wrote:

    “When one person is contributing significantly more to the relationship than the other person, in my opinion, it’s exploitative.”

    I completely agree with this. I just think it’s not always a matter of splitting a dinner check down the middle each time. I’ve made gourmet dinners that cost way more than a restaurant meal, and took a couple of hours to make, and I wouldn’t ever want to ask my boyfriend to help pay for half of the groceries. If there’s a good level of trust and respect I’m going to assume he’ll want to treat next time by taking me to dinner or cooking me dinner.

    You said:

    “Your reasoning is that it “feels so nice”. It would feel so nice if my girlfriend paid for my stuff also, but we respect each other, so we try to keep things pretty even. ”

    This isn’t about respect, it’s about what makes people feel loved. Have you ever heard of love languages? According to the guy that came up with the theory there are 5 love languages and one is acts of service, meaning if my boyfriend changes the oil in my car or buys me dinner I feel loved. Not in a “it’s so nice kind of way” but in a “that’s how I experience love” way. Another love language is gift giving. That’s not my love language, you can buy me all the gifts in the world and it doesn’t make me feel loved. So it’s not about money. There’s logic and then there’s what makes people feel loved. Quality time is important to me too, so it’s not like I can’t feel loved any other way, but the point is to be with someone who wants to love you the way you need to be loved.

    But you’ve given me something more to think about. To be honest, with the guy before my current boyfriend I really didn’t mind splitting the check, but after 8 dates or so it became clear he was really, really keeping track. We went to catch some live music after dinner one night and the cover was $8 and he paid his own and let me pay mine. One time we went for tea, and he paid for his and let me pay for mine. I prefer even with friends to take it more easy than that and take turns treating.

    I can’t believe that girl#2 actually said that. Guys tell me that a lot of girls just want free food and I find that so hard to believe. My time is precious to me and I would never spend time with a man unless I actually liked him and enjoyed his company. I can buy my own food and would prefer to eat it alone or with someone I actually like.

    So what do you think about how things should be split when there is a salary discrepancy? Say I make 150k a year, and he makes 100k a month? Do you still think we should split everything 50-50? (I”m not being sarcastic, this is a serious question.)

    #639405
    Aida

    Oh and re: the OP, see below what she wrote. This isn’t just about her not wanting to split things 50-50, this is about him being very, very stingy. If someone invites me to stay with them at their beach house or hosts me at their house for a weekend, you can bet if we go out to eat I am picking up the check. This guy lacks class and as she said he is willing to let others be generous and not return the favor. He is the one being exploitative.

    That doesn’t really relate to your other comments or the follow-on discussion, but I thought it was worth pointing out since you brought up the OP.

    I once invited him to my friend’s beach home, and when we went out to dinner with them, he let them pick up the check. The next day when I suggested we pay for lunch, he let me pick up the tab by myself.

    When he came to my friend’s wedding with me out of town, he let me pay for the hotel and wedding gift. I was shocked. I realize I invited him as my guest, but he should have at least split the expenses with me.

    And the kicker- He met my parents for the first time last month and didn’t even pick up the whole check– he let me split it with him. After they had hosted us for breakfast and drove us around for two days, you would think paying for a $100 meal would be the least he could do! I mean, it’s my parents! How many chances do you get to make a first impression?

    It seems to me he is more than capable of accepting other people’s generosity, but does not return it. It really makes me sad.

    #639486
    Mike

    Aida,

    Do I think the Op’s boyfriend was being exploitative in that one specific circumstance? Yes. But on the whole, meaning 99 percent of the time, if he’s contributing significantly more financially than he is, then she is the one being exploitative to him.

    With regards to circumstances where there is a massive difference in pay, I would say it’s not necessary to split everything 50-50. Then again, in the example you provided, both people are incredibly wealthy, and I don’t see why either person would object to picking up a 50 dollar dinner. I suspect that’s merely an example and not an actual circumstance that you’ve been a part of (or even witnessed).

    Personally, here’s what it boils down to. Women want to be treated as equals socially, economically, politically, etc. I agree and hope our society continues to move in that direction. And I, as a man, want to be treated equally in a relationship. I do not want to feel used financially. I want to know that the person I’m with actually enjoys my company, not contingent upon recieving free food or gifts from me. It does not make me effeminate for wanting to feel like an equal in a relationship – it makes me human.

    Finally, regarding your point on childbearing, I think you raise a perfectly valid point that I had not considered. My response to you is that you will not be raising a child with every man you date, and thus, having every man you date paying for a majority of your stuff is illogical. In the circumstance where you are carrying the child of a man, then I think it is reasonable to ask him to bear a significant financial responsibility to offset your childbearing. I hope that makes sense. Admittedly I haven’t put much thought into your viewpoint and I expect my opinions on this specific situation to change the more that I think about it.

    #639505
    Aida

    Mike,

    The example I provided is the real situation, and you’re right, nobody objects to picking up a $50-100 dinner. But this just goes to show that it isn’t about money. It’s about fairness and being treated equally in the relationship. Just because my boyfriend is wealthy doesn’t mean I have a right to decide how he spends his money. He’s very careful with his money and that’s his right, he’s earned it. Without going into detail he has something very important right now that he must have resources for, and even when you have a lot of money there are no guarantees that you always will. He’s worked hard his whole life and I respect him for that. Just because he has more than the average person doesn’t mean he should spend it more freely or casually.

    You have really given me a lot to think about. I think I’m going to pay more often/every other time. My main thing is that I don’t want him to ever feel like things aren’t equitable or that I’m taking advantage.

    I didn’t post the comment about pregnancy myself, but my personal thought is that once you are married and having children everything should be a team effort without counting pennies. If you’re married and still worried about keeping everything 50-50 I think it’s a problem. That’s just me, the important thing is that the two married people agree and have the same ideas about finances.

    #639508
    Aida

    Lusi,

    I don’t understand why you were bothered that the guy on the first date took the food to go. I think it’s good when people don’t waste food. I also don’t really understand being bothered by him asking for a discount. It sounds like he’s careful with his money and that’s a good thing! I understand you were turned off by it and I’ve heard many women are, but I don’t get it. I would be impressed with those things! And he paid for your trips.

    Not keeping his word, that’s a deal-breaker for sure. And definitely get out sooner if you don’t respect a guy or think he’s stingy…1.5 years is a long time to stay with someone you’re not into.

    #640148
    Luna

    I just wanted to say that if you love the man, no matter what, just talk to him openly about the issues you feel might destroy your relationship. It’s very hard to find a soulmate, if you feel the person understands you in other aspects, and you feel the unique connection between you two, then don’t let him go… Someone else might be good at spending money and generous but you may not be lucky enough to have the same special bond. I truly miss him.. I don’t think I will ever have the same peaceful and soothing feeling with anyone else. I broke up with him for a different reason though and very much hope to be able to let him go from my heart one day as it hurts every day..

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