This topic contains 154 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Katie 1 week, 4 days ago.
August 24, 2016 at 2:54 pm #559188
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about eight months. He’s handsome, intelligent, loving and hilarious. We have an amazing time together, and in most ways it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had… but there is one thing that has really been getting under my skin: He’s not generous and we split EVERYTHING 50/50. Sometimes I even feel as if I pay for more things than he does! I know he has a good job and he makes at least double my salary, but we still split everything down the middle. He doesn’t have debt or loans to pay off, he’s not supporting anyone and his rent isn’t particularly high, so those aren’t possibilities. Here are some examples of his lack of generosity:
I once invited him to my friend’s beach home, and when we went out to dinner with them, he let them pick up the check. The next day when I suggested we pay for lunch, he let me pick up the tab by myself.
When he came to my friend’s wedding with me out of town, he let me pay for the hotel and wedding gift. I was shocked. I realize I invited him as my guest, but he should have at least split the expenses with me.
And the kicker- He met my parents for the first time last month and didn’t even pick up the whole check– he let me split it with him. After they had hosted us for breakfast and drove us around for two days, you would think paying for a $100 meal would be the least he could do! I mean, it’s my parents! How many chances do you get to make a first impression?
It seems to me he is more than capable of accepting other people’s generosity, but does not return it. It really makes me sad.
I’m really not looking for a free ride. I’m a generous person, but I’m still somewhat traditional. I like to feel taken care of and appreciated. I’ve dated guys who were so generous, they barely let me pay for a taxi! I’m not looking for that necessarily, but is it too much to expect to pay for things proportionately based on what I make vs what he makes? Like instead of 50/50 I think 70/30 would be more reasonable. I have broken up with someone in the past over this (even though I never told him the real reason), but I genuinely want to make it work with this guy. Is there any way to have this conversation without it getting nasty? Do you think this is something that a person can change? Or is cheapness just something ingrained in your personality?
I’m beginning to resent him and I feel taken advantage of. What should I do? :(August 24, 2016 at 3:02 pm #559190
I have a friend who married a 50/50 right down the middle guy…
Their marriage didn’t last … He’s still cheep & miserable – she’s moved on to a great guy!
The cheep was just the tip of the ice berg… It’s indicative of more to come … How will you raise kids with a 50/50 partner …?August 24, 2016 at 3:07 pm #559192
Hi Olivia-he sounds like a poor bet for the long haul to me. I will repeat the story about my friend who was in a similar situation with her boyfriend. One night they were at a bar with his friends and she saw him pay the bill for them, for the whole evening, without batting an eyelash at the cost,but would battle over every penny with her on a regular basis.
She realized he did not value her/respect her and she broke up with him. Your guy avoids paying in any situation it seems, so,he does not respect you or your values and he is a freeloader as well.
Tell him you are bothered by this and if he does not start paying his fair share or more,you are done. Personally,I would just break up as I think stingy will extend to emotional generosity (or lack of same)as well.August 24, 2016 at 3:21 pm #559196
This is how he is. He’s not going to change. He probably doesn’t see himself as cheap; he probably views himself as frugal.
Either you overlook this because he’s a great guy otherwise, or you think about moving on.
This is a tough situation because I am a feminist and I am all for women being equal to the point where I personally would have no problem paying for my share of everything in a relationship. BUT…unfortunately I have to come to realize that men paying for you is one of the ways they express their appreciation and their desire to win you, and if they’re not doing that it’s a sign they’re not altogether committed to you.August 24, 2016 at 3:24 pm #559198
Have you spoken to him about this?
During the time in which you’ve picked up the full check, did he ask you to pick it up or did you offer to pay and he just went with it?August 24, 2016 at 3:28 pm #559203
“It seems to me he is more than capable of accepting other people’s generosity, but does not return it.”
I find that to be such an unattractive trait, it is one of my dealbreakers. As Raven said, stinginess usually has more to do with a person’s personality than just money issues.
I was raised to be generous and I really dislike people who act like bean counters and everything has to be “tit for tat”.
If you can live with it, no one else can tell you what to. I could not, and it would be such a turnoff it would have turned me off to the guy completely. It all depends on what you choose to live with.
I would choose to be free and find someone more inclined to generosity.August 24, 2016 at 3:31 pm #559204
He has never asked me to pay for anything. I always offer.. This is partly my fault because I am generous to a fault. He just lets me pay. So what can I expect? I guess I am just used to men who insist on paying. Or who let me pay for smaller things. But when it comes to my friends invite us places, I feel embarrassed when he doesn’t offer to take them out or make a nice gesture in return for their hospitality. I just think its rude..August 24, 2016 at 3:35 pm #559207
It IS rude …August 24, 2016 at 3:36 pm #559208
Is this the guy with a small penis? I think I remember you posting about him a while back, if I am not mistaken. THAT cheap is a problem, I am not surprised you are resenting him aleady. But I have a feeling you are not going to walk on him, you would not have asked this question here if you were meaning to leave him. You know the answer.
So if you want to stay,y ou will have to bicker with him over every bill and make sure to demand that he pays and pays more than you. And state your reasons without a shadow of embarassment. He is the one who should be embarassed. Frankly I don’t khow how you can get wet for a guy who behaves this way, sorry for such a vulgur way of putting it, but really, how do you want him after that? I’d lose my boner after the second instance.August 24, 2016 at 3:39 pm #559211
Has he always been like this, even in the beginning? Other than being mean by nature, the first thing that struck me when I read your post was that he either earned much less than you or he had some debts he’s not disclosed to you. On the other hand some people can be compulsive savers as well. If he indeed earns twice as much as you, this is a major read flag indeed.
On another note, in my experience people of both genders who are mean with money tend to be mean by nature as well. We had an (now ex) friend who was a real skinflint (had plenty of funds, so no excuse) who also exhibited the same traits in terms of her time and attitude to others in particular when they needed help or support. In these instances she had a habit of becoming ‘unavailable’ when someone was going through a crisis or some sort, essentially ghosting until the dust had settled. Eventually we just dumped her! I’m not saying your guy is like this but something to bear in mind.August 24, 2016 at 3:39 pm #559212
lol nope not me.. he is great in that department and pretty much every other department. All my friends love him and tell me how devoted to me he seems. He’s charming and got so many great qualities– but you’re right, its a major turn off when he doesn’t offer to treat me. We split like $30 checks!August 24, 2016 at 3:42 pm #559214
Where is he from? Sometimes this kind of thing is culturalAugust 24, 2016 at 3:43 pm #559215
He’s English. Is that like an English thing?August 24, 2016 at 3:46 pm #559217
Actually, forgot to mention the ‘friend’ I referred to had no qualms about bombarding us for help, a shoulder to cry on if she needed support herself! It’s just she never wished to return the favour!August 24, 2016 at 3:52 pm #559220
I think you let this develop for a while and so it got the norm. This is the guy you maybe want to stay with, so you should really discuss this. Someone else also said this is his personality and that can affect other areas as well in the future.
I thing i would blow steam with some of the examples you gave, like with the parents the frineds and the wedding. I would have never put up with that and would have had that talk ages ago. Good luckAugust 24, 2016 at 3:52 pm #559221
If you “trained” him that you would always pay then some of the onus is on you, when it comes to his dates with just you. There is no excuse for how he treats others. I would be livid if someone acted that way with friends and my parents. Especially if they are all generous to him. Not only that, I’d be embarrassed by him and I’d lose respect quickly. I can’t be with a man I don’t respect.
It sounds like you are making excuses for him. Again, I really think this usually ends up being a much larger issue than money.
But I think a conversation is in order. You need to talk about this in a non accusatory way with him, explain how it’s affecting you, and listen to what he says.
If this is who he is (I believe it is) will you be able to accept it? I also suggest you do some honest introspection and think long and hard how else this manifests itself in your relationship.
If you are going to make excuses for him, you can’t really complain. So be honest with yourself. If this makes you resentful it will not bode well for a future, so you may need to make some tough decisions.August 24, 2016 at 4:08 pm #559230
I agree with pretty much everything you guys are saying. It’s probably not going to work out long term if this continues the way it is. And the more I think about it, the more I realize he is stingy in other areas as well.. He has never invited me to meet his family, though he’s met mine. He plans trips with friends and doesn’t invite me, even though I always include him in my plans. He used to be quite stingy with his time as well in the beginning, but that’s gotten a lot better. I do feel the love there- but maybe love isn’t enough. I just don’t know how I will ever be strong enough to break up w someone I’m in love with over something like this…August 24, 2016 at 4:13 pm #559231
This seems to be a very hot topic on here just now. So many cheap guys it seems lol. Its not an English thing. Its very much an individual thing. Im very against cheap men I must say and its a complete deal breaker for me. Its not even about the money when it comes down to it. What a cheap man represents to me is a man that is not warm, giving, loving and kind and this will become more apparent as the relationship progresses and one day you will realise your partner is cold, mean and selfish not just with money but with everything. A man is wired to provide, that is his role on earth if he isnt willing to do this then he isnt the right man for you. xAugust 24, 2016 at 4:14 pm #559232
This is NOT just about money, it is about his nature…. People like him are mean and selfish…I honestly would let him go now…. A complete deal breaker for me….
I have a gf who is also a coworker and she has been dating another cowokrer for 2+ years now. He is exactly the same way, spliting everything down to the dollar..Somehow she finds him very charming when it is just the two of them, like cooking her dinner all the time, writing her “thank you for being so awesome” card… So she rationalize his behavior and tolerate it.
Then they started to talk about move in together. She wants to buy a property together and each pay 50/50.. But he insisted on him buying the property and have her move in and pay half as rent. In other words, she is going to be his tenant. She will be paying half but he gets all the appreciation on the road. …. How selfish is that….. And guess if they are living together or not????? Lol
Sorry, this is a deal breaker for me.August 24, 2016 at 4:50 pm #559256
Interesting. I’ve heard the brits can be cheap actually. I read this article a while ago where the girl wrote “Since moving to London, my romantic life has been characterised by last-minute text messages, incomprehensible drunkards, first-date coke-bingers and split bar tabs.” Sound familiar? I have never dated an English guy so I don’t know from personal experience but it could be cultural. Maybe that’s how they do it back home?August 24, 2016 at 4:54 pm #559261
We don’t use the same words but I find a lot of American guys are trying to line up booty calls and not spend a dime too. This may be part of the online dating age…there are so many women out there willing to have no strings attached hookups that are just a swipe away that a lot of men don’t want to pay for a date.
And then those women come on here wondering why they can’t turn their hook up into their boyfriend.August 24, 2016 at 5:35 pm #559274
I would leave Scrooge alone with his millions.August 24, 2016 at 6:32 pm #559281
Being called materialistic in my post earlier (lol), I believe if a guy is cheap he’s always cheap. He won’t suddenly turn into that knight in shiny armor at a finger snap. Take it if you can accept assuming the situation never changes (it may change or not) or leave it.August 24, 2016 at 6:38 pm #559283
Again, (sorry my modern independent working fellow with nice corporate job, I have that too), if a guy can’t pay dinner can’t afford some surprise that normally wouldn’t exceed 50-100 dollars limit. How would you expect him to take over a WAY bigger stress and responsibility of supporting a family financially (assumed not as the only bread winner). Think about it. The same thing applies if the marriage didn’t work out (better not but not rare)August 24, 2016 at 6:48 pm #559289
I did hear from a girl who lives in London that the popularity of “feminism” in UK makes it more often for people that are dating split the check. I was joking to her that then I’m not going to London at all! In your case, i don’t think it’s about that. The problem is that he is not grateful and doesn’t have intention to return people’s favor, that’s the worse part.