Why is he so critical of me?

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  • #941543 Reply

    I met a guy on an online dating site. I really adore him, except for when he comments on certain things about my body. He will almost instantly bring up if he noticed certain physical things on my face for example. He is a doctor (works in an urgent care), so I don’t know if this has anything to do with it, but here goes… (He is also very complimentary and calls me beautiful a lot, but I am left feeling a little confused)

    Almost every single time we meet up, even on our first date, he notices imperfections on my skin. For example, I have a scar on my forehead. He mentioned it on the first date. He said he liked it because it makes me unique. I personally hate the scar and it hurt a little that he brought it up so soon. But I do believe him that he likes it. B But almost like clockwork, when we first see one another before hanging out, if he notices that I have a zit or a little dandruff, he will comment on it. Not in a mean way, but he just says it matter of fact. And then he wants to pop the zit or he will rub my head to get rid of the small dry patch of skin. I don’t think it’s to tear me down, but I have told him that it bothers me and yet he still does it. The other day I was smiling and he looked at my teeth and said “you have tiny teeth”… Or the other day I was laying in his bed and he said oh you have a blackhead by your ear. And once he asked me over and over again if he could get his special magnifying glass out to look at a spot on my skin to make sure it wasn’t cancerous.

    He is also very, very particular about how I drive. Every single time I drive us somewhere he is critical of how I do anything on the road. He legitimately gets upset with how I drive. I’ve never been in an accident and never had a ticket — I am not a bad driver, but maybe I could be better. This is getting to the point that I get a little sick to my stomach to drive him around because of how critical he is. He will say things like “baby, just get over in the other lane like I told you” for example.

    After he criticizes me, he realizes what he did pretty quickly and he asks me if I am okay over and over. These incidents have resulted in me crying a couple of times. And then he feels terrible. But we clear it up fast and we are fine for the rest of the day. I don’t know if his criticism is a tactic to tear me down or if he is hyper fixated/too type A or what? I’ve only known him for two months. The feeling I get is that he is a kind person, but he also has no filter at times. Like I said above, he does compliment me a lot too and he can be very thoughtful.

    #941544 Reply

    Also, I want to add to the criticism of the driving part… How he reacts is while I drive is nothing like anybody else has ever done. It’s like he becomes hyperactive and overly critical. To the point that I’m like how or why does he even care that I didn’t make a lane change early enough? It’s bizarre. But the way he does it really triggers me and it doesn’t feel normal at all.

    Otherwise, great guy so far! But I am looking for any red flags because my last relationship ended so painfully. I could be overreacting here and I am aware of that. Just need outside perspective.

    #941545 Reply

    So why are you still seeing him? You understand, he’s not going to change, if anything the longer you hang around, the worse it will get…

    #941546 Reply

    I think he has potential to get better based on our conversations. I think he just needs more time. I really am just curious about why he does this.

    #941547 Reply

    You posted about this guy before I am sure.
    He doesn’t need more time , he is showing you who he is very early on which is a bad sign, he isn’t going to change. You shouldn’t be crying because of a man.
    I wouldn’t be driving if someone criticised me, I’d say if you think you’re better driver then feel free to drive and would never ever drive with him in the car again.
    He seems like a very insecure guy.

    #941549 Reply

    Never date potential, only date the person actually in front of you. You should not have to wait for a grown man to learn to treat you with respect, nor should you need to teach him how to do it. He is an adult. Trust your gut when something doesn’t feel normal, instead of ignoring it because you simply hope things with a guy you’ve only known 2 months can work out. The other possibility is he’s on the spectrum, but that doesn’t really change anything if he’s tearing you down and not getting himself help to manage whatever issues he’s got. You told him how you felt, he sounds like he said sorry I’ll work on it, and kept doing it anyway. Do not further invest when it’s only been 2 months. As Ewa said, he is showing you very early who he is. Be happy you have that information about him before you’re in too deep and seriously. No excuses, you’re not overreacting, you’re just ignoring a sick feeling in your body instead of listening to it like you should be!

    #941550 Reply

    Afterthought, he also may have OCD. But again, that’s on him to be getting help for and manage, he should NOT be taking it out on you. And we can’t actually diagnose him here at all, just another passing thought I had.

    #941552 Reply

    Open your eyes. This is NOT a “great guy.”

    #941556 Reply

    Luk we all hv imperfections and our unique quirks.. its just not cool for anyone to keep pointing out and making you feel conscious. Is this how you want things going ahead with him? Alwys making you conscious and wondering if your at your best?

    Either you accept that this is part of how and who he is and grow a thick skin arnd him or rethink this relatnship. Cause i doubt hes going to change. At most he may not voice it aloud evrytime he notices a flaw but he will be thinking it for sure.

    Its just been 2 mnths so wont be that hard for you to take a call and move out.

    #941557 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    I remember you posted about this guy a little while back. You had first started dating. I remember you talked about him being a doctor and constantly commenting on your skin and appearance, etc, and it made you uncomfortable. You were seeking reassurance then that he was a decent guy and that things would get better….which is what you’re doing now. You want us to tell you that this guy will change and things will get better. But he won’t.

    Ewa nailed it — this guy is showing you who he is. Two months in should be the honeymoon period. He should not be making you cry! He doesn’t sound like a “great guy” in the least– making you uncomfortable about your appearance, criticizing & making you cry over the way your drive — you know this isn’t healthy behavior, or you wouldn’t have come to post on this site two times in the two months you’ve been dating. You’re not “overreacting”. Don’t doubt yourself.

    #941559 Reply

    “But I am looking for any red flags because my last relationship ended so painfully. I could be overreacting here and I am aware of that. Just need outside perspective.”

    Honey this IS a red flag. Please listen to these commenters and act accordingly.

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