This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 3 months ago.
August 13, 2018 at 10:57 am #716845
I’m not talking about all men obviously if that person doesn’t love you then there would be no regret.
But I’m talking about some guys. In my experience the guys in my life have regretted losing someone they cared about. My parents for example, my dad cheated on my mum, even though he loves her still do but regretted it down the line. I mean didn’t he think about how it would have hurt my mum, let’s face it’s common sense that it would come out in the end, although they had a rough patch an unhappy did he not think about the consequences of how it would hurt both of them?
My male cousin had been with his girlfriend for almost 7 years, he wasn’t in love with her but loved her as a person but they were also unhappy. Then he said to her he wanted to end it and she said if he ended it it would be the end. She found someone else and my cousin saw how the guy was opposite to him and hated him. But wasn’t that what my cousin wanted? To not be together anymore? So why should he regret it
Another example was my male best friend. He really liked this girl, they weren’t exclusive but really liked her but didn’t give her a chance because he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship as he was hurt two years back. When this girl gjoared him he couldn’t stop thinking about her and the girls he went out with didn’t match up with her. Don’t guys think about what if while they were I the relationship and while they had the opportunity that they might just regret not giving it a go?
Like I said not all men are like this but from known experience it’s always the men that regret losing the girls they really loved.August 13, 2018 at 11:01 am #716846
Sorry for my typo was using my phone. The girl my cousin liked ghosted him and he regretted not giving her a chance when he had the opportunity.August 13, 2018 at 11:08 am #716847
What is your real question, Louise? I doubt you really care about all those other relationships. How does this question relate to what’s going on wi5h you?August 13, 2018 at 11:12 am #716848
Nothing, I just wanna get to know men a little better. For me if I really really loved a guy I would make it work no.matter what and even if I wasn’t in love with him, i wouldn’t leave because I’d know if regret it. That’s just my take on relationshipsAugust 13, 2018 at 11:17 am #716850
I do understand what you mean and find it interesting myself. Its like there are so many guys outthere who are afraid to commit or are looking elsewhere. I have no explanation except i think that a lot of men can handle not being in a relationship better than a lot of women, at least in their headAugust 13, 2018 at 11:28 am #716853
Staying with someone no matter what isn’t practical or even possible in some situations. Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. There are many reason why people are incompatible that ranges from values to domestic abuse. I really hope you learn to readjust ughts around trying to make a relationship work ‘no matter what’. It’s the reason why many women are left miserable for years. They accept poor behavior, they allow abuse, they are afraid to be alone so they tolerate relationships that make them unhappy and erode their self esteem. Depending on the situation, no amount of love will make a dysfunctional situation work. Even men will fall back on this as an excuse to stick around. It’s a primal reason not based on real reason. At the end of the day it takes two people who want to be together and similar values around important things that get you through life.
If you don’t have love, I am not sure I understand why you say you would stay in the relationship. Regrets can come from things that have nothing to do with the other person, but the circumstance. Many men and women may regret leaving because they downsized their income, don’t have someone to take care of them and cook meals, all kinds of reasons. So while they don’t want to be with that person anymore they may regret missing the lifestyle.
There are many complicated reasons why men don’t commit. The con complicated reason is that men are usually very good at being loners and having their freedom. So many do just fine, sometimes forever, just being bachelors. Also, men are more likely to leave a stressful relationship than women are. They are more practical this way.August 13, 2018 at 11:28 am #716854
Men do it differently and are responsible for different things. Mostly, they do then think and girls tend to think then do…we have different motives driving us…
Women need to stay in their feminine energy and fulfill their obligations to relationships…being true to their desires…your examples were correct to walk away…can’t talk a man to death, gotta speak his language and SHOW him…then they can see the writing on the wall…August 13, 2018 at 12:21 pm #716869
Can’t commit,or are men simply not hardwired to constantly need or even much want to form deep emotional connections? I know that last bit won’t go down well as women cannot begin to even slightly comprehend that what is of utmost importance ,even life and death,for women is no more than a hobby or casual interest for men.
So when women say that men are frightened of committed they are expressing their truth as they see it. To not actively seek a long-term,perhaps live long, deep emotional bond with someone is utterly beyond womens’ comprehension as I wrote above. No, men are not terrified of commitment they are just indifferent to it.
It is clear to me that women would far better by far prefer to believe that men are silly and immature rather than men simply not being wired to do every single thing in their power every waking moment to seek out and pair bond. After all a silly and/or immature man can always become much less silly or immature by a woman’s guiding hand,but if men’s complete indifference to commitment etc is hardwired and has been innate since hominid days well that would be something intolerable for women!
Acceptance of my above arguement,i.e. that men are simply not designed by Mother Nature to have a bottomless, insatiable need to form pair bonds like women would force women to realise that men are almost like an alien species to women. Both sexes are uncomfortable with the realisation that the opposite sex is so very different from them. Men wonder why can’t women be more stable,less emotional? Why do they require so much attention,so much constant active encouragement? Why are they so quick to assume the role of victim when things go against them instead of assuming that they were ill-prepared for the task at hand?
The sexes are looking for something in the opposite sex,something they either can’t provide at all,or they can provide but only spasmodically and at wholly unpredictable intervals. This is the cause of all the tension,frustration and generalised animosity the sexes have for each other.August 13, 2018 at 12:46 pm #716874
I’m not replying to Stephen’s comments directly, but more the frustrating generalizations on this and many other posts about fundamental characteristics of men vs. women. In my experience, women are just as likely to be emotionally unavailable as men, or on the healthy end of the spectrum, independent and not clinging to the need to be part of a pair. As to the OP’s questions, this logic sounds naive. There are a million reasons to end a relationship and still have regrets or even still feel in love. A previously poster mentioned abuse, other reasons include addiction, distance, lack of responsibility, or general incompatibility for partnership. I have made tough decisions numerous times to end things with a man I love deeply just because I can see we’re not a good match for the longterm. No, love is not enough.August 13, 2018 at 1:49 pm #716883
Yes maybe I’m a little naive about men I’m only 18 and still learning. Since my cousin is 35 and my parents are in their 40s, they have more experience than I do. I just want to learn from their mistakes so I won’t make the same mistakes as them.
Thanks for the input though.
LouAugust 13, 2018 at 6:26 pm #716919
Hey Lou, I think it’s great that you’re trying to learn from others’ experience rather than making all the mistakes yourself. I didn’t mean that you are naive, just that the common assumption that love should be enough is not the reality. Thanks for being receptive and taking all our comments in stride! I wish I’d had this forum when I was 18.August 13, 2018 at 11:42 pm #716943
Better off single
Sometimes, it’s because they don’t realize how much they took for granted until it’s too late. Or they feel lonely and desire the companionship thinking about the good times they had with her. How much she did for him or he didn’t have to put too much effort in to get sex. Stuff like that.August 14, 2018 at 1:19 am #716949
Some men, some women too, think the grass is always greener on the other side. You will very often see men leave relationships, looking for something better, and then when they don’t find it, they want to come back.
While the women are heartbroken at being left, inevitably, after time to heal, moving on, (very often losing weight, changing they’re style) they then don’t want the man back! He wants to come home and she is not interested.
You say your dad regretted cheating on your mum, and about the consequences that followed. Men think with their penises. From my own personal experience, my ex husband cheated on me. I found out. It was only when he saw the devastation with his own eyes that he realised the hurt he’d caused. Not only had he hurt me, he’d hurt the children, and our parents (who were very upset about the whole situation) I remember asking him “did you not think of the consequences of your actions before you cheated?”. He said no….He never, at any point, thought further than what he penis wanted.
Once he had moved out, living in a tiny flat on his own, and having to spend his evenings alone, did he finally realise the consequences of his actions, of what he’d thrown away…for what….a quick fling. I wished him and his penis a very happy future together and got on with my life. 8 years on he’s still alone, very miserable, and still says he regrets what he did.
With hindsight though, it was the best thing he ever did to me! I’m much happier nowAugust 14, 2018 at 8:09 am #716965
Life is complicated, people make strange choices, but in the moment that choice seemed like the right one for them. Regret seems like another way of getting attention. And come to think of it, maybe even doing something like cheating is as well. One thing for sure, No one likes to spend time with people with a lot of “regrets”.August 14, 2018 at 12:52 pm #717009
Love isn’t logical – and neither is it easy to define. Sure, we all know it makes us feel good, but we use that same word, “love”, to describe how we feel about a dog, a baby, a spouse, an outfit, or a grandmother. And all of those feelings are very different indeed!
Scientists have tried to break down love into different forms – eros (sexual), agape (service), philia (friendly), and more. Most relationships are started with one form of love and change into another, or several, over time. Long-term relationships tend to go through phases of different types of love, with the concentration being on companionship and stability, not excitement, as time goes on.
Men may start with strong sexual attraction to a woman, or erotic love, and in their desire to keep that attraction they commit emotionally in a relationship.
Then, as attraction fades into comfort, the TYPE of love they feel can change too. Since the woman no longer “excites” him the way she used to, he may begin to doubt if he really loves her. And it’s not until ALL the good things that he experienced with that woman are gone that he realizes that love isn’t just about attraction – it’s also about comfort, security, friendship, etc.
In women, the initial attraction may not be about sex, but about romance – AKA mania – stars in your eyes, heart beating fast, puppy-love romance. And when that begins to fade, the woman may either try to force the romance to reignite, or withdraws and finds “sparks” elsewhere. Again, missing the signals that the type of love has changed can lead to disaster in the long run.
My mother used to say that if we married everyone we loved, we’d all be polygamists. Getting used to heartbreak and assimilating it into our lives is part of what growing up is all about. Learning what HEALTHY love feels like, and how to maintain it, is a lifetime process.
And the ONLY comment I’m going to make on Stephen’s post is that the lack of strong sexual dimorphism in hominids, tracing all the way back to multiple Australopithecine species, is ONLY found in monogamous pair-bonding social animals. The more extreme the physical differences between the sexes are, the less likely the animal is to form monogamous bonds. Humans have very low-impact sexual dimorphism, and all throughout their development as a social unit the bond between male and female regarding the care of offspring has been monogamous (as individual hunter-gatherers, the male’s search for an appropriate amount of food and shelter is minimized by having a single “mate” to care for young and keep them safe.)
In other words, Stephen, if you’re arguing for a BIOLOGICAL or HISTORICAL excuse for infidelity or polyamory, you’re going to fall sadly short. If your argument had been that MODERN society discourages monogamy, I’d have been more inclined to take you seriously, even if I don’t agree.August 14, 2018 at 4:33 pm #717023
Love, absolutely does not “conquer all” and is not enough. i think men somehow are inherently better at understanding this (more logical) and so might end relationships due to practical reasons more often than women. but that doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t still there.
On a more cynical level, I think men always feel somewhat possessive of women they once loved/or even just had sexual relationships with. I have witnessed many a male friend get tinges of regret when someone they used to date moves on. It doesn’t mean they want her back, just that they don’t want anyone else to have her!
And I think breakups hit women harder AT FIRST but they are good at getting all their feelings out, talking to friends, processing, etc, whereas men often don’t have that support system. the heartbreak tends to hit them later down the road and take a lot longer to get over.
This are all massive generalities of course, everyone is different.
But agree with OK– get that idea of “no matter what” out of your head. That kept me in a terribly painful relationship for 10 years =- I loved him more than anything but it was soooo bad for me. Love absolutely is not enough.August 15, 2018 at 8:41 am #717079
I think its great your trying to learn, understand and grow from these experiences but the fact remains people are inherently selfish, some more so than others and if their needs aren’t being met they will go seek it with someone else, whether your male or female.
In the instances your speaking of, the men weren’t feeling satisfied in the relationship and tried to chase that elusive happiness somewhere else. The regret ultimately comes from ‘guilt’ of not being a better partner to their wife/mate. They ultimately came to learn that seeking happiness from others is not the pathway to happiness—it ultimately has to come from within YOU! If two partners are overall happy with their life by engaging in activities, hobbies and surrounding themselves with people they enjoy spending time with, it bleeds into the relationship and the partnership will be happier, stronger and last longer!
I have no regrets leaving my husband, it was the best thing I did; however I do have some regrets (guilt) as to how we reached that point and maybe if he and I (it takes two) had done this or that it wouldn’t have reached the point it did. This is a normal feeling people experience when they’ve had time for self reflection and/or learn that the grass isn’t always greener and wish they had done or handled things differently and regret not doing so.
As a side note: Sometimes the grass is greener yet one can still harbor some regrets about a past relationship yet it doesn’t mean you want to go back them or that it would have changed the outcome eventually so my advice is to never ‘hang on’ for the sake of hanging on or you risk falling into a dysfunctional and toxic relationship that makes both of you miserable and that’s no way to live!