Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › What’s going on with us.
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 8 months ago by
Lane.
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Laura
So me and my ex broke up about six weeks ago. In summary, we both struggled with how crazy life got with lockdown and he basically emotionally shut down. It was the classic he pulled away and I tried to figure out how to get us back on track- this just further pushed him away. In the end we broke up- we were together about a year. The break up was sad- we both cried and I found the weeks after really hard. Mainly because there wasn’t a specific reason or explanation for why we were breaking up, and before that small bad patch things were so good. Anyway- fast forward a few weeks, I didn’t do so well at the whole space and no contact which didn’t help me, but last week we spoke and my ex said we should go on a date and maybe see if we can reconnect. We did and it was great. Just like old times. The day after we spoke and he asked if I wanted to meet up again in a few weeks and see how we go. I guess I thought we would revert to talking in between dates and spending time together frequently to see if we can get back on track. But if I text him I don’t get a reply or it just feels like a weird vibe when we’re not together. I guess it will take time but it’s just weird because I don’t know what we’re really waiting for if we both want to get back to before? Am I just being impatient or is he probably not so into it? (For detail- the break up hurt and he says he knows he didn’t handle things in the best way. He knows he hurt me, and I can tell he is genuinely sorry) I just don’t know if I need to chill and let things unravel naturally or whether all hope is lost already.
Raven
You need to chill…
Last time you pushed & remember where it got you.
Anon
He probably wants to take things very slowly to avoid what caused the break-upon the first place. Otherwise you will be headed down the same path. Decide if the relationship works for you
Tania
I think he’s not sure about this relationship.
Laura
Maybe he is. But he is the one who instigated that we try but still seems so distant. That’s why I’m confused
Newbie
I think you are trying too fast. You cant even be sure why he wants to retry. Can be he is just afraid to be alone atm or to deal with the emotions. When my brother was around 20 he had a meltdown about his study and broke up with his gf. His gf probably wasnt too happy about it, but moved on. A year later my brother had fixed his issues and the reconnected and are still together.
Now you are sort of following his wishy washy lead. There is nothing wrong with asking clarification from him. And if he is very unsure about trying again, simply dont follow. Give that time to yourself. You already had a roigh time so dont jump in so fast for maybe the same. He has to learn first about what caused him to shut downAnderson
“He is the one who instigated that we try but still seems so distant. That’s why I’m confused.”
This stuck out to me. I don’t speak for all men but the last time I did the same I’d emotionally checked out for good, but still had lingering attachment which made me want to try.
I second everyone’s opinion that you need to take a step back from trying to fix it. Look after yourself instead.
Laura
Anderson – It’s so weird because when we do go on dates everything is great, for example we went out a few days ago and he said we’ll see each other in a week or so and he seems genuine in that intent. But we used to talk everyday, I haven’t heard anything since the day after our date, with no future dates currently arranged. He said he wants to take it slow and figure us out and I should chill. I guess I dint get if he wanted to really work on us why would he not want us to spend time together frequently so we could rebuild or move past what happened
Do you think I should just give up on us then. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Tallspicy
Omg. Calm down. Yes, that is mean on purpose so you wake up.
Go back to just dating and see other men and let him lead. Stop stuffing yourself down his trought. He has to miss you. Assume he is a man you dont know and are dating and see if he steps up. After one date you are not back together and you dont even know it he wants to get back together. Let him miss you, and show you in actions and words and do not initiate anything with him.
Lane
Laura, you appear to be way too intense and he’s feeling suffocated by your overwhelming need to put him front and center of your life.
The best thing you could do is to back way off. Seriously, your vibe is coming off as very desperate and that’s not a good or healthy energy to have in a relationship. Look up “interdependent relationships” as you are far too dependent on him. Think of a relationship like a candle. It needs oxygen (space and time apart) for it to breathe and keep the flame burning strong. When you consume too much oxygen the flame fizzles and dies out.
Start doing things without him. Harken back to the time when you were single, what did you like doing? Re-integrate those back into your life a there needs to be some *balance* where you do things together and do things apart so your not overly reliant on him for your happiness. Its not his job to make you happy, as that’s a heavy burden to put on another person’s shoulders whereas you need to derive happiness OUTSIDE of the relationship so you can bring some that energy into the relationship.
Try it because right now you are SINGLE and if you start behaving like that person it *could* make him see you in a different light because right now he see’s you as suffocating and clingy which isn’t giving him any incentive because he knows your there even when he throws you some crumbs like someone in the park does to pigeons. In a nutshell, do the OPPOSITE of what your doing now, become INDEPENDENT as its not healthy to be overly attached to another person, especially a potential partner, as it kills the flame. Give it some oxygen.
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