What Do I Do?


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This topic contains 31 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Karen 1 month ago.

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  • #753955 Reply

    malory

    I was seeing this guy when we had a disagreement and I walked away. A few days later I realized I was wrong. When I reached out he answered immediately, called me and even picked me up to talk in person. We had a great time and I told him th ball was in his court as to what we will do. He said he wanted to give it some time to see if I don’t run away again, we laughed. I loved the time we spent together. That was last Monday.
    Fast forward to today, a week later, Hes been cold, unresponsive for hours, and although he asked me out twice last week (Wednesday and Friday) I cancelled Wednesday because I hadn’t heard from him from 9am to 4pm the same day. We get together Friday, and when he’s asking me to hang it sounds like he’s bothered by something, or feeling forced. In the meantime, I’ve responded to his texts warmly and haven’t initiated anything.

    We meet up friday and he’s cold. He’s asking me how my day was but I was shut down because I felt like I was w/ someone completely different all week. We hung out all night, drank, talked laughed, and he took pics of me. He also took me to meet his good friend. Then he got a room. I wasn’t expecting it but I didn’t oppose it.

    Then he dropped me home and we spoke about meeting up later. He barely spoke to me all day. Then the evening came on Saturday I called him to say my night was ending earlier than expected. He never called back, nor did he text till 4 hours later when I was already in bed in my girlfriends house. I told him I was with her because he never called back. His response was cold and snappy and said, “well I’m calling now, guess I’m going home”

    He then invited me to a bbq with all his close friends the next day, Sunday. He said, “you’re more than welcome to join us” Again to me it sounds forced. I told him Id be w my dad till about 8pm, he sounded annoyed when he repeated the number back to me. This was Father’s Day afterall. During the day I reached out first, he’s usually good with that, to wish him Happy Fathers day. It’s then that he sends me pics that he took of me on Friday. He is then quiet the rest of the day, until he sends me a pic of he and his friends at the bbq. I told him I was hoping to have seen him the night before and I would’ve enjoyed the picnic he agrees. Then he sends me the same pic but in a group message with his sister. I checked, it’s his sister. I sent him pics of myself and he doesn’t answer for 7 hours until he asks what i’m doing at 7. i didn’t answer until 930.

    This morning he says good morning and tells me he got stuck in the rain. We had very few words and now silence. I’m not used to this.
    I feel like I’m sitting here waiting for him to feel like dealing with me. I’m not sure if his actions are showing hes interested or forcing himself to be with me. If he’s with someone else and trying to decide, I’ll feel horrible when he lets me go or says “i think we should be friends”

    What do I do? Wait this out? Is he showing signs that he’s interested by always reaching out? We barely have anything to speak about, dinner friday was strained but I caught him staring at me more than once and smiling to himself…then hiding when I caught him…It’s like he’s holding back.

    I’ve never been in this situation before. WE both did things, we are both wrong but I walked away and so yes I understand he doesn’t trust me. But how long do I wait before I just say “enough is enough” ?

    #753958 Reply

    Khadija

    Now is the time to move one especially if it feels forced.

    He’s not the only man that you can date.

    Never wait around for anyone.

    #753963 Reply

    tammy

    I am not sure what but I feel there is some miscommunication. some hiccup. doesn’t look as if hes not interested. give this some time I feel and see if things get sorted. if not then you should consider having an open talk with him before moving on.

    #753969 Reply

    Omg

    You walked away from him. He said he needs time to even decide if he really wants to take you back. I don’t understand why you sound so confused. He’s just dating you like any other person he would date casually. You can’t just walk away from someone, change your mind and expect them to be ok with it. He would be a fool to trust you again so quickly. All so you can overreact and walk away again on him? You told him the ball was in his court and that’s exactly what he is doing. I don’t think you can turn this around. I don’t think he trusts you. I don’t think he cares the same about you. I think that’s why he’s either acting annoyed or not being overly responsive. I have to admit, I would never jump back quickly if at all to someone who broke up with me. It means they didn’t care enough about me. You don’t say what the disagreement was about but I’m going to guess it was something petty which is why you had a change of heart.

    #753991 Reply

    malory

    Once we are together things seem cool. He told me he feels things for me he hasn’t in years, and in such a short time frame and it scares him to be vulnerable again. I admitted to him the same feelings, and the same fear. Except my fear led me to run. Twice. We have physical chemistry, and mental and emotional chemistry and I’m terrified. Before I ran, he was talking about moving in with me, he was getting a place and how it would be easier to hang. But one day we were trying to hang and I didn’t answer the phone. He got upset and made up a story about having alternate plans. I got upset we had words back and forth and I realized he saw what I did as rejection.

    We obviously have emotional issues. Or we both like each other so much we don’t want to be disappointed again. We spoke openly. He really likes me and is showing it through his actions. I just feel he’s holding back or waiting to see how much I like him.

    I keep going back to that first day when i reached out and he immediately apologized for what he had done, and asked to see me and we had a wonderful time talking and laughing. I made the mistake of sleeping with him and that wasn’t what I thought it woudl be, we were both drunk. I’m scared of being vulnerable yet he’s ALL IN.

    #753996 Reply

    malory

    ALso i feel like since we slept together (I made him wait) shouldn’t he be more open and receptive? It’s like he wanted to hang on saturday but didn’t return my 7pm phone call until 1115pm. Then he invites me to a bbq, but doesn’t suggest picking me up. Granted it’s fathers day but still.

    #753999 Reply

    Stephen

    You are reading too much into tones of voice and how he seemed to you. Women can’t read men very well and assume that the sexes attitudes and communication styles are very broadly similar,whereas what is white to a woman is black to a man and vice-versa.

    #754005 Reply

    malory

    I just miss him and how he was. He’s made such a turn around in his attitude regarding me that I feel I”m sitting here waiting for him to say goodbye although his actions are showing he’s still pursuing. he’s texting me, still inviting me out. It’s my fear that he’s going to do the slow fade that’s agonizing. Over the phone last week I mentioned that I understand he’s taking things slow but he’s changed completely. He said he doesn’t know what to do with me long term. That he’s scared that if he does one thing, I”m going to run away.

    But also said that I can trust him, and he’s going to show me. It’s like the beginning convos over the phone he sounds annoyed, but then becomes soft and pliable. In person he’s hard and not talking, but then I catch him staring and smiling at me then looking away from being shy.

    So how do I know for sure? And what if he’s entertaining someone at the same time? Trying to decide bet me and her? I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit around and wait for the boot…

    It stands to reason that his initial response to me, where he was happy to hear from me and called me and dropped what he was doing to see me, shows that perhaps he didn’t have anyone else and right now this is all a test?

    Ugh the confusion is absolutely ridiculous

    #754014 Reply

    Omg

    I would not go back to you if now you admit you walked not once, but multiple times. That’s insane! It’s your issue and not his if you expect never to get hurt in a relationship. There are absolutely no guarantees. But that is exactly what you are trying to manipulate him to do. To reassure you over and over and guarantee this will work. Well that’s not fair and he cannot guarantee it. Dating and relationships are a gamble. I don’t see him so messed up as you are. You are making him messed up because he tries and you are a bottomless pit. He can never satisfy you.

    Also, no. Having sex does not necessarily mean a man will feel more for you. Men don’t think that way. I think you took this as a sign and that’s why you get again freaked. But here is also what you did. He was a boyfriend and you could have had sex with him then. Then you broke up and having sex made you a fwb.

    I don’t think you be be dating in your state of mind. You are unable to communicate what you really want nor relax and let a relationship unfold.dating isn’t this confusing. You are.

    He is being quite clear in his actions and his backing off. You also left this in his court but are unhappy how it is unfolding. You had the choice to tell him directly and not put this in his lap. When you didn’t you created your own confusion and misery.

    #754037 Reply

    Zoe

    You reach out to him way too much. You killed his chase.
    So what if you broke up with him. After getting back together he should still be the one initiating. I feel suffocated just by reading this

    #754041 Reply

    Stephen

    Women say:’initiating’,men hear:’begging’.

    #754044 Reply

    Lane

    Here’s the problem. Trust is EARNED and you have now admitted that you didn’t walk out once, but twice and he’s actually walking on more egg shells than you are! You can’t expect a man who has been rejected by you twice to keep wooing you until you do it again. He has every right to not trust you, has every right to not feel safe with you, has every right to not know if its worth give you a third chance to leave him!

    You did this. You set this problem up. You created the mistrust. You provoked the anxiety and angst he feels around you. You need to accept that YOU have a whole lot of ‘making up to do’ by proving to him you are not going to run away again. You have a lot of making up to do with him if you want this to succeed, and that means putting yourself out there and letting him know you’re ALL IN because if your not then leave this poor guy alone, you’ve messed him up enough.

    #754056 Reply

    Star

    Please have an honest conversation with him. IF he truly loves you, you guys will work through this phase, don’t keep playing games with each other. Communication is the key to everything.

    #754067 Reply

    Stephen

    What is “cold” and “unresponsive” to a woman is normal behaviour to a man. However,I do think that he is harbouring serious suspicions that you OP are not wife material.

    #754077 Reply

    malory

    I hear everything you guys are saying. And i don’t blame him for not trusting me. However, I’m not initiating ANYTHING. He reaches out every morning. He initiates dates, still. It’s just that we don’t talk during thee day, at all. And he’ll ask if i got home safely then that’s it. No calls. But this has only been a week, and he did invite me to a bbq sunday, and had a rough day at work yesterday. It’s only been a week.

    I do feel like sitting and talking to him, asking what he plans on doing. But that might push him away. I won’t sit around and wait for him either.

    If he tells me in another weeks time that he’s moving on, then I’ll deal with it.

    But he’s not completely innocent either. He did things that made me raise some eyebrows. And when he chose to call me out on me not answering his phone, he lied about what he woudl be doing that day, to see my reaction. My reaction was to enjoy my wknd without him. Since he was baiting me. I don’t do well under those tests. i have a social life and will have fun without him. He didn’t like that.

    #754078 Reply

    malory

    BTW we were NEVER bf and gf. He wanted to become exclusive after the 2nd date. And was talking about moving together after the 3rd. So i pumped the brakes. And he didn’t like that. I also didn’t have sex with him after the 3rd date, and he seemed confused at that as well.

    I’ve been in control of our speed since day one. And he’s still initiating. So now he’s in control. And I’m fine. I just don’t like sitting around while he is acting distant. If he has another girl, and is focusing on her, then him telling me he wasn’t talking to anyone but me 3 weeks ago is a lie. Also, if he is talking to someone else, then he should tell me and we can both move on.

    If someone comes along I’m not putting my life on hold…

    #754082 Reply

    Newbie

    I didnt read everything but a few things stood out for me. I think you broke it off because your gut told you he is not that interested and there is too much drama. Second you say you made him wait for sex (which turned out to be the 3 date so if thats waiting for you lol). But making a guy wait for sex for the sole purpose of making him wait is pointless. What was your goal here? Most women want to wait to see if the guy seems like a good fit and by then you can gauge if he has a serious interest in you and isnt just in it for the chase. It is to protect your heart as best as you can as women put a lot of emphase and meaning to sex while for guys that is different early on. A guy has to bond to you emotionally to adress meaning to sex. Generally Speaking.
    To me all this sounds like an anxious mess and wrong for both of you so i think youre better off backing away

    #754091 Reply

    malory

    I made him wait because I wasn’t sure. But I admitted to him from day one I have trust issues and I was going to take my time. he knew that going in. I gave him the choice to stay or go. He stil has that choice. But he is still doing the pursing every day. I’m just struggling with not being upset when he doesn’t answer my texts.
    I don’t want to be caught off guard should he decide to walk away.
    I also just don’t trust people so i realize when I’m overreacting and that’s why I came back.

    The first day i reached out after a week of silence he dropped everything, an appointment he had made, and responded to my text right away. He apologized for what he had done. he wanted to see me the same day and talk in person. We had an amazing time. I really like him and we admitted we have strong feelings for eachother and that’s why we are both scared. We both said we are tired of goodbyes…

    Problem is I’m irrational and ran away. He was sticking it out. Now hes cold and I don’t know what to do. i want the old Him back…

    But I’m holding onto the fact he still reaches out every day, he is still initiating dates, and asking how I am, it’s just spaced far between now…and that first day he dropped everything to see me…

    #754098 Reply

    Louise

    If you were never bf/gf how did you break up with him?

    How long were you seeing each other? How many dates have you had?
    You didn’t have sex until after the second ‘break up’?

    Why all this talk of another woman, why have you immediately leapt to that conclusion?

    #754102 Reply

    Omg

    Lol. You walked away twice from a guy who wasn’t even your bf and are creating all this drama after less than a handful of dates?

    I guess now you know what it feels like. You said you don’t want to be caught off guard with him walking away. You didn’t that to him twice and wonder why he isn’t as into you anymore? You honestly have no insight at all into your behavior and how it impacts other people.

    This is so high school. I think you should keep your expectations low. I’m sure he is looking for a more Emotionally balanced woman and as long as you are there is companionship from time to time he will take it from you until he finds someone else. Per what you said about being afraid he will walk on you…. don’t you think he feels the same? Which is why he is keeping his options wide open and keeping you on the hook with a daily text, but sounds like the infatuation he had in the beginning is dead. It’s really easy to kill attraction and you did it. Once that’s gone it’s almost impossible to get back.

    #754104 Reply

    Omg

    When you admit to a man from day one you have trust issues that is a huge red light, red flag, red everything for him to run, because it usually means you will become needy and even a little crazy. That’s exactly how this played out for him. You should never trust a stranger anyway, so your comment makes no sense. Anyone with common sense will give the other person time and quietly suss out if they appear to have the character personality and qualities she is looking for. Telling someone you have trust issues accomplishes what? What is he supposed to do with that information? He shouldn’t trust you either, but he did and look what you did to him.

    Sorry to be harsh but you have no self awareness, poor communication skills, and act aggressive, impulsive and passive aggressive. All very unattractive qualities in any person, man or woman. I would take time if I were you to start reading up on here and other self help books. If you are that paranoid about risking getting hurt while dating you should not be dating.

    #754107 Reply

    Karen

    The problem is you haven’t been in control, as you say, from date one. You have been a mess. So what he wanted exclusive early. That’s a great thing. It’s not marriage! Instead of shooting him down you could have discussed this and his rationale and come up with a plan should after a certain number of dates you both wanted this. The no sex on third date. Sounds like you shot him down again with your paranoid talk. You can’t even articulate here why you said no to sex. Then you had sex drunkenly when he asked you out after second walk away. That isn’t even consistent with you shooting him down the first time. How confusing would that be to a man? You really don’t know what you want and how to get it. Until you do, you’ll always end up in all this self created drama. Life should not be this complicated after only having a few dates with someone.

    #754141 Reply

    malory

    He’s not completely innocent. He did things also that led me to believe that he was playing games. I did nothign wrong with holding off exclusivity, and waiting to see how he was in every aspect. Problem is I didn’t realize that perhaps I still had issues that had to be handled. Once I realized that I walked away to spare him. He came back. I didn’t want him to. But we do get along so damn well. There is chemistry on every level and the attraction is extremely strong.
    I feel he’s giving me a taste of my medicine, and sure exploring other options. But I won’t sit around waiting for him to choose me.

    SO my initial question was this: Do i stick around or do I just play the silent game and move on once again.

    #754145 Reply

    Louise

    It’s hard to know without knowing how long you were dating – how much have you both invested in this?

    It sounds like it’s not making you happy in which case, move on.

    #754146 Reply

    Sarah

    Honestly, you sound exhausting.

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