weird breakup that’s not really a breakup


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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Shoshannah 9 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #779934 Reply

    izzy martin

    Me and my boyfriend of 4 months are happy with each other but we weren’t happy at the same time. i called him to tell him that i shouldn’t have to feel like i’m begging for his attention and told him i knew something was wrong with him and that i knew he didn’t want to say anything. he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship since winter is the hardest season for since he is a mason worker, so he is struggling with bills and his family. he said we were breaking up but would still text every day and write goodnight/good morning texts and could hang out. he said he really does love me, and that when he’s ready to try again he would let me know. to me this seems more like a break rather than a break up. and we are talking still everyday but i don’t know how long this is going to take for him to be ready. also what if he wants to try again but it’s not with me or what if he ends up losing interest in me. i feel like we might end up getting back together but i’m scared that it will take a long time but i also want this break/break up to take all the time it needs. i’m overthinking this so much but what else am i suppose to do?

    #779937 Reply

    Dangerouse

    Well, he has all the power and you have to wait. Not a fun situation for you. I would be pretty pissed off. He expects you to chat daily via text, but no loving relationship.

    I wouldn’t put up with it. Hes obviously not worried about losing you. He’s taking you for granted.

    #779950 Reply

    K

    Make no mistake – this is a break up. And he wants it all on his own terms and wants access to you in the meantime. No, that’s not how it works. Tell him you understand and to come back to you when he feels ready to move forward and if you’re available at that point, you can discuss it. And that it’s best if he stops contacting you until that point, if that point ever comes around. Then block him if he keeps it up. Don’t let him keep you on a string.

    #779959 Reply

    Shoshannah

    This really sucks, and I feel for you. But to be honest, I’ve been there and I was him and I don’t think this is a good prediction for the future. The truth is, in a good relationship, a one that is meant to be, you don’t feel need for ‘breaks’, no matter how hard things may get in the meantime, how terrible problems and obstacles you come across. When you’re committed, any obstacle you have, you want to share it with the other person. So I suspect he’s just not the one for you. Sorry, it sucks. I wish I had something more optimistic to say.

    #779960 Reply

    hs

    This is definately a breakup. You’ve been moved to the backburner. He keeps his options open, but should he be a tad lonely or need a ego fluff, you’re his fallback girl

    #779961 Reply

    Better off single

    Have you guys even had sex?

    He just wants to keep it platonic. Says he has work, family, and the winter blues. So do you want to be supportive? Is it worth it to you?

    What exactly do you expect from him?

    Do you have a life of your own? Work/job/friends/hobbies?

    What’s the harm in making him the fall back guy if he’s going to do the same to you?

    Give him his space. Let him initiate 80% of the time. You’ll be able to gauge his interest better. He’s more likely to come back if you go do your own thing.

    Stay sweet

    #779966 Reply

    Lane

    Oh hell no! If a man wants a break then you give it to him by completely removing yourself from his life! This will do one of two things: 1) Let him fully FEEL what his life is like without you in it, and if he truly “loves you” he wouldn’t allow another man to snatch you away; or 2) He’s fine without you in his life and nothing you said or did would change his mindset.

    Best thing for you to do is to fully back out. Do not give him the benefit of your time and attention if he’s doing nothing to earn it! He doesn’t respect you, not does he love you, he just loves the attention you’re giving him and all he has to do is throw out some crumbs (texts) and you gobble them up. Only birds eat crumbs; a smart and confident lady wouldn’t lower herself to the status of a bird—it either all or nothing.

    #779967 Reply

    izzy martin

    things are extremely hard for him financially at the moment. and i am willing to be supportive and it’s definitely worth it to me. currently i am in school. he told me he wanted to figure out his stress and emotions and financial things so that we could be fully happy. we still and the conversations are typical minus the i love yous and miss yous. but we are both being supportive because we are both going through things, but he was in the military so emotions and stress are a struggle for him.

    #779974 Reply

    Kalyn

    Throughout my life, I’ve been in multiple situations where the man pulled back from the relationship due to stress, work or family issues, depression, etc., but was perfectly willing to let me stick around as a supportive “friend”. I made excuses to myself for these men and allowed their “stress” to become an acceptable reason for the pseudo break up. I even continued sleeping with one of them! It NEVER ended well…I was their supportive pal, there with a shoulder, and ear, dinner, sex, hanging out so they wouldn’t feel alone, only to have them jump into a full on relationship with another woman the second they were feeling better. And I couldn’t even protest because they had made clear where they were with me and I had allowed it!

    My marriage (I’m now divorced after 15 years) and my current relationship were/are very different. My ex husband would never have suggested we “break up” when his work was making him crazy (as it frequently did). He leaned on me and I leaned on him during tough times. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 9 months and about a month ago, his previously amicable relationship with HIS ex took a nosedive and he has now been forced into a custody battle over their child. I was worried he would decide that the relationship was too much for him to deal with during this time but it’s been the opposite. We are tighter than ever. I support him without trying to “fix” anything and even with all he has going on, he is still very concerned with what’s happening in my life. We pulled together during a bad time, which is how it should be.

    Point is, a significant other should be a soft place to fall when times are tough. If your partner wants to leave the relationship when he’s having a hard time, either he just wants out of the relationship (and in your case, still have access to you whenever he wants) or he has attachment and intimacy issues which are NOT qualities you want in a long term partner.

    Don’t fall into the trap of acting like the girlfriend when you’re no longer the girlfriend. You will end up miserable and now matter what he says, he won’t respect you for it.

    #779977 Reply

    Lane

    So what?

    When in this situation, several times btw, it was either all in or all out. When I stayed in it was because they remained all in and we worked together to get through it, as a team, like Kaitlyn is, and because of this our foundation and love for each became very strong and stable as we knew we could tackle any hardship that came our way, as a team.

    On the opposite spectrum when a man was unable, in a tough spot, or not willing to work it out as a team, I stepped completely out and let them go deal with what they needed to deal with or work out what they needed to work out without me in their life and never expected to see or hear from them again. Surprise! Once they were in a good place they rang me up, asked for a “second chance” and had to really step it up to show me they weren’t going to be a coward and run away again! Co-dependents “fix” and wait around for broken men. Confident women let broken men go to be the man they need to become if they want to have her in their life.

    #779979 Reply

    Tallspicy

    GIRL – I AM YELLING AT YOU SO YOU GET IT! HE BROKE UP WITH YOU. Please read that again. HE BROKE UP WITH YOU.

    I do not give a fig’s tush about if it felt like a brake. Did it occur to you that he does not want to look like the bad guy and likes your attention? BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?

    Please pick up your dignity and tell him, give me a call when you are sorted.

    The women who stick around to be friends spruce men up for the next woman. Let her do that work, you don’t need to.

    #779984 Reply

    izzy martin

    he told me “that we broke up so he could become more stable financially and emotionally so we could be happy together” he told me he does really love me and care about me which is why he did this. i will stay for about 2 months and if things do get better i am leaving. i do think we can pull through with this and work it out but i also can not tell the future. i believe him, he hasn’t given me a reason not to.

    #779985 Reply

    kaye

    I’m sorry but who needs a break from a relationship after only 4 months? I’m a firm believer that there is a 3-4 month mark in the relationship when the guy decides if he sees a long term future with you or not. In this case something is making him put on the brakes and break up with you. You even said your conversations now are minus the I love yous and miss yous. And now you’re willing to invest 2 more months (half of your entire relationship) to see if you can work through this? What do you really think will change by then? If he thought he could have his emotional and financial circumstances straightened out in 2 months do you really think he would have broken up with you? If winter is his hardest season do you expect he’ll break up with you every winter?

    For some reason you are buying his BS story that he is doing this because he loves you and cares about you. WHAT?!? How many people have you broken up with because you love them and want to be happy together? What he’s saying doesn’t even make good sense.

    #779986 Reply

    Kalyn

    He may be telling you the truth…men WILL sometimes step back if they feel they are stable financially and can’t provide for you. But even if that is the case here, you are giving him no incentive to be a better man for you if you are willing to stay and accept less.

    I hope he gets himself together and comes back. However, he is less likely to do so if he knows he can’t lose you, no matter how he behaves.

    #779987 Reply

    Kalyn

    I meant to write, “aren’t stable financially.”

    #779990 Reply

    Better off single

    I knew a couple who dated for 4 months, got into a fight and took a break. He pulled waaay back. She did what lane suggested. No contact. Never expected to hear from him again. He came back with an apology and they were married shortly after and stayed married up until he passed away.

    you’re either just friends or all in. If you are going to stick around, let him initiate contact. No more sex to keep your own sanity since you’re gonna stay. There’s no need to emotionally attach yourself to someone who is unsure if he even wants to be with you.

    #779993 Reply

    Shoshannah

    I agree with others’ advice and I said above that I was him. That’s exactly what I meant – I was in a relationship and engaged, for many years, where I was the one asking for a break every now and then. I’m ashamed of it now, but at the time I didn’t see things clearly. The truth is, for my part, it was never meant to be, I was never into him, I just didn’t really love him. I was asking for those breaks because a) I knew he would let me, b) I didn’t care that much if he didn’t. I am in another relationship now, 3 years and I have never asked for a break. All I can say – don’t take it personally, you’re just not compatible, but this isn’t going to work out. Sorry I’m so brief (busy at the moment), but I’m trying to be to the point.

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