We keep arguing over seeing each other weekends


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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tallspicy 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #783167 Reply

    Laura

    Hi all.

    I been with my partner for 2 years. I have a 16 year old and a 20 year old the 20 year old has left home and I live alone with my 16 year old. I work in the week and dont really get to see the younger one much and he doesnt spend alot of time down stairs I feel a bit bad that I’m not spending alot of time with him. At weekends I try to stay home and spend time but boyfriend wants me to stay down his all weekend one weekend the come to mine the next. He wants me there all weekend and I explain to him I got to go home at some point and see me son then we get into an argument and he tells me to go on and he staying at his and refuses to come with me.

    He doesnt have kids at home to think about I still have commitments to do but hes saying ur son anita baby he can look after himself this is my time now I’m staying in my house you go home if you want to go and we argue over it…I cant justvact like I’m a single woman all the time he doesnt understand that. To be honest I’d rather be at home every weekend and him come to me but he refuses to come every week…what you think I should do in this situation?

    #783168 Reply

    Lane

    What does your son say about it? Is your son complaining that he doesn’t spend any time with you? If you son doesn’t care, then you shouldn’t care.

    I raised two son’s and by the time they turn 16 they sure as heck don’t want to hang out with their mom unless its taking them somewhere or buying them something they need lol. Nope, they would rather hang out with their friends; play video games with their friends; or go to work if they have a part-time job which a natural process teens go through by gaining their independence. I hardly saw my eldest son, where he would come home to mainly do his homework, reheat dinner, sleep, shower and disappear for a good part of day! On the weekends he mainly hung out with his friends where I often said to him “Nice to see you’re still alive” hahah.

    Mom, you have to start letting go of the reins. You have this compelling need to control everyone and trust me on this, its tiring and expends too much needless energy. Bottom line, if your son isn’t complaining about not spending time with you then he’s OK with you not hanging out with him!

    As to the BF, he needs to be making some effort here too as relationships are not a one way street. If he is unwilling to come to yours at least every other weekend, then I would dump him because a man who truly wants to be with his woman will travel 500 miles to be with her! However I would approach it differently by telling him you have a household too and need some weekends to get things done you’re unable to get done during the weekend.” Stop using your son as a pawn or reason, as your BF is right, you are treating him like a child not one who is growing into adulthood and preparing him to leave the nest.

    #783169 Reply

    Laura

    He does come every other weekend and he gets on well with my boys. My son doesnt really complain I guess as a single mum bringing them up on my own I feel like I should be at home I still have a responsibility and when I’m away from home with the bf and at his I feel guilty not being about like I have to go home and make sure there’s dinner for him etc or just show my face to him its mad but then the weekend I’m at mine we dont see him hes upstairs but I don’t want to get into arguments with bf about it

    #783175 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Am I wrong in thinking that with minor children, you should not be leaving them alone overnight even if they never speak to you? How is that even on the table?

    #783179 Reply

    Lala

    Lane, you are way off in this one. OP is 100% right to be making her son her first priority. Even if her son says he doesn’t care.. he really deep down does. I have a 16 year old son and even though he acts tough and grown up, he really isn’t and needs parenting, oversight and guidance. 16 year old boys should not be left on their own for a full weekend. That’s bad parenting and he will remember years down the road being abandoned for some random boyfriend.
    This boyfriend sounds selfish. Stay home with your son because that what good moms do. To hell with this guy if he doesn’t understand that kids come first.
    Kids always come first.

    #783181 Reply

    cupcake

    Totally fine leaving a 16 year old home alone overnight. Even for a weekend. A 16 year ild isn’t a baby and in a lot of places they are even allowed to live by themselves (with the permission of their parents). So thats really not an issue. Having said that i am with Lala on this one. Leaving a 16 year old alone once in a while is one thing ( and most likely very much appreciated) but if it becomes a habit he will feel abandoned. I remember being a teenager and wanting to spend as little time with my parents as possible, yet I still appreciated them being there! Its just a nice feeling to know your parents care and are physically there even if you dont hang out. (if that makes sense) I think your boyfriend is being a tad selfish and probably doesnt quite realise what its like to have kids. Maybe talk to him again and try to reach sime kinda compromise? maybe 3 wknds at yours and one at his a month? or something? Your son is part of you and if this relationship is going to progress he will be part of your bfs life as well and he might want to get used to having him around more if this is supposed to work out.

    #783184 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I think leaving a 16 year hold overnight by himself more than occasionally would not be the best parenting. As would not coming home to see him if you were nearby.

    A kids at home minor kids should always be the priority and your boyfriend is selfish.

    #783191 Reply

    Lane

    I’m allowed to have my POV. Its no wonder kids aren’t growing up today and still living with mommy (and/or daddy) at age 30! A 16 year old is almost an adult and need to start learning adult skills, one of which is living alone, especially if they are wanting to head off to college. Having a good neighbor to check in or be available to them is how my husband and I did it when we went away for a weekend and had no issues.

    How far away does the BF live? I still think the BF seems very selfish as there are two people in a relationship and although it doesn’t need to be 50/50 there needs to be some balance, especially if there’s still a teenager at home. How far away does he live as that could be a major factor in how often you go to him and vice versa.

    I raised two son’s and they were perfectly fine hanging out with friends or doing their own thing without mommy or daddy always being there. My son lived in his own apartment when he went to college and he did fine because I gave him the skills and independence to become an adult before he was an adult.

    #783192 Reply

    cupcake

    I think this really comes down to how much time he is left alone! A 16 year is and should be perfectly fine being alone for a weekend or two or three! But when it becomes too frequent he might feel left out and abandoned! Balance is absolutely key and realising that a 16 year old might seem all independent and cool to be alone, they still like the assurance of a parent being there!

    #783194 Reply

    Anon

    A teenager will understand if you are not around on occasion for work or sometimes a social reason. But, if you want to be home, set that boundary with your boyfriend. If he doesn’t like it, then he can do something about it. Like you said, he doesn’t have children at home. And yes a 16 year old is still your child and all kids mature differently. I would never recommend you leave your 16 year old, you barely see during the week, on most weekends. Sometimes you don’t know the effects of your parenting until later on and they become husbands/wives and are parents themselves. Continue to follow your instinct with your own child as you know him best. Your boyfriend is a matured adult and he can manage his feelings about this.

    #783196 Reply

    LaFrance Thibodeaux

    I dont have kids but I agree with everyone’s POV in certain areas..IMO,it’s about how well you know your child & have you laid down the law as a parent..At 14 my mother allowed me to move from New 0rleans to Atlanta with my aunt(dads sister)..It wasnt because I was a bad child or that she was a bad mom..She didnt mind because she knew that I knew how to act & I would still go to school & make good grades..Also I knew that my mom wouldn’t mind coming to Atlanta & drag me back home..l0l..I think the boyfriend should be more understanding but he sees it as him being a young man he should be able to handle himself..Kids know how far 2go especially if you have a mom like I have..Have a sitdown with your son & your boyfriend..Ask that everyone be expressive & honest of their feelings that way everybody will be on one accord..

    #783229 Reply

    Laura

    He lives about 20 mins away and yesterday I was saying I needed to pop back home see if hes ok and take him food and he was saying this is my weekend I’m staying here. You go if you want but hes not a baby and can look after himself. Hes relationship with his kids is not great he dont bother with them that much and I’ll say to him sometimes let’s have his grandkids ir invite his kids round but he isn’t that interested he likes his time where as I’ve always been close with me boys and although they are old enough I still have that instinct to be home with them or do things like cook for them etc

    #783278 Reply

    Lane

    It sounds like the two of you have major incompatibility issues. Are the two of you really partners? I only ask because someone who truly loves another puts their needs before their own; its how they show love and care for their significant other. Do the two of you even do things together because it sounds like all he wants to do is hang out at his place. This relationship sounds utterly boring.

    #783283 Reply

    Tallspicy

    It should be a red flag to you that he has a poor relationship with his children and grandchildren. It means he’s not capable, and doesn’t value it. That sounds like a major and compatibility and value difference. I would find it very unattractive. Any man who tells you you should not be spending time with a minor child is kind of a jerk, and most likely was a really crappy parent.

    #783284 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You sound like a good mother. I’m the mother of a teenage boy also and I agree that 16 year olds are independent and can take care of themselves for a weekend; but it’s still natural and normal to want to check in on them. That’s what being a family means. Just like it’s natural and normal for you to want to include your boyfriend’s adult children and grandchildren and have them over, even though your boyfriend doesn’t want to.

    I don’t think that what you want is unreasonable. Popping in to check in on your 16 year old or drop off some food while spending the weekend away makes total sense. If nothing else, 16 year olds CAN get into heaps of trouble (having friends over and getting into mischief, having parties, etc)– I’m not saying your son would do that– but 16 year old are not mature adults and they can get into trouble. It’s not like he’s a grown man.

    I agree with what’s been said about you two seeming incompatible. I don’t think the issue here is whether or not your 16 year old can take care of himself; technically he can. The issue is that you as a mother have a certain standard of parenting that you are comfortable with, and your boyfriend does not support you in that. In fact, not only does he not support you, he sounds like he’s a jerk about it. This is not something he should be arguing with you about, he ought to be respecting your standards as a parent. And he isn’t even that interested in fostering a relationship with his own children and grandchildren. So you two are clearly not compatible on that level.

    #783288 Reply

    alia

    As a sixteen year old I was left alone for six months at a time with just my older sister. It had a major impact on my development on top of everything else i had already been through as a child. I think you’re a great mom and you’re doing the right thing. Your son appreciates you being there even if you don’t even pass in the hallway.

    #783289 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I have a few friends who are left alone a lot as 15 16 17-year-olds. None of them think it was a good idea. Not one of them. Most now are parents and would never consider doing that. Just because it’s possible does it make it a good idea. I really question that just because a 16-year-old is not super happy about spending time with adults means that you should leave them alone. In my opinion teenagers just in general don’t like their parents that doesn’t mean you should stop parenting. That is why they are minors, if it were true that 16-year-olds were able to completely take care of themselves, they would lower the minor age.

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