Struggling

I feel I have been struggling recently. I’m 29 and live on my own. I’m very independent, as I sustain myself and my own place. Where I struggle is, with my parents. I’m very close to them. I like talking to them and spending time with them.

They were wonderful parents growing up. Suportive, loving. That isn’the issue. Now as an adult, I see they wanted the best for me, which isn’t a bad thing.

But they also didn’t let express myself enough.

I see this affecting my personality as an adult. I’ve tried talking to them about this and they think its not their fault, I’m dramatic, and its ridiculous.

Growing up I was shy. That is okay. I’m a bit like that now still. But my mother never wanted things to go wrong. Say I was at a birthday party, where they had a craft. Little kids are using glitter, paints, nothing is perfect. Little kids make ugly things sometimes. Colors are pretty, more meant better, prettier. Little kid mindset. My mom would not like when I made ugly crafts, and she’d always come over fixing it to make it look better. I felt like then I couldn’t do things good enough.

She didn’t want ugly crafts hanging up around her house. She wanted things to look nice.

Now at 29, I find myself not thinking highly of my work, downplaying myself, and seeking reassurance from others.

I’m smart and have good ideas. But I second guess myself all the time.

My mother often made plans for me as a child. Play dates, making friends for me, because I was shy. But her personality was just like this, wanting things to always be good. She meant well.

But now as an adult I have a hard time making friends. I’m better one on one with people, but I’m bad at connecting with people and in crowds. My mother even chastises me for my lack of friend making. I think thats wrong. She’s even mentioned how she can’t be making friends for me. She’s social, friendly, and people love her.

I have a hard time putting myself out there. Its scary to me. So I am more a loner.

Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, but I am not a social butterfly.

When I actually open up and be myself, people love me. But I often am not my full self for fear of embarrassment. She’s criticized me my whole life “why did you say that?”

“Don’t walk like that”

“Stop singing so loud”

“Stop eating so fast”

“Don’t make that look on your face, you look dumb”

She never wanted me to embarass myself. Again, she meant well, but now I fear being my full self. I get so intimidated by others, so I act very generically pleasant. Again, when I home around, act myself, with no fear, people love me.

Its hurt my love life too. Guys want a carefree girl and my mother has ingrained this perfect persona that I can actually be un-fun. I’m too concerned about what I am saying or how I am coming across, when I should just be letting loose and singing my heart out in the car, not afraid to look dumb.

Even recently, my mother still does that. I’ll tell her I ran into someone today and I said XYZ and she’ll go “why did you say that? Why did you say it like that? I wouldn’t have said that”

Then I get upset and self conscious and I feel stupid and embarrassed. But I’m 29, not 10. I often then fight with my mother. She gets mad claiming she won’t point one thing out again. I apologize and it all happens again in time.

She’s a wonderful woman. The best caring mom. But she doesn’t realize nor acknowledge she does this.

Then in times where I really want and need her., she’ll leave me hanging. Saying “you decide,” and I get frustrated needing an opinion or help when I ask and she leaves me hanging.

I also hate that I feel I’ve become like her. She’s amazing. But I’m very judgemental of people sometimes. I’ll judge my friends for decisions they make like my mom. Things should be a certain way and if my friends stray, I judge.

Anyone out there understand this? What do I do to try and change?

Again, my mom and I are best friends. I love her. Most of our time together /relationship is really good.