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Maddie.
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Tanya
Hi. Early days with a guy im dating.we havent had sex. I have a lot of stretch marks on my tummy from pregnancy and we were chatting generally yesterday, and I said I had a lot and he said oh dear. I said is that ok? He said it’ll have to be. At that point I though stuff this, so said actually your reply isn’t OK and we will leave it there.
Here’s subsequent apologised profusely, saying it was a banter joke (we banter a lot) and of course it doesn’t matter, he is hugely sorry and to let him show me that it was just a stupid joke etc.
I’m super sensitive about my baby belly anyway and wondered what people thought about this?
Ewa
I think it was a joke and you should take it as a joke. To me his answer indicated that he could not care less if you have the stretch marks or not.
I wouldn’t mention it to be honest, we all have areas we are insecure about, but there is no need to talk about it. For example I don’t really like my stomach or my hair but I have never ever said it to someone I was dating.
I am not saying you should pretend you love your whole body when you don’t , but certain things you should keep to yourself :)
And trust me when you are finally intimate he won’t notice your stretch marks :)Lane
I think you are far too sensitive, and shouldn’t be bringing up a topic unless you are fully prepared for an honest answer. I believe he was trying to answer, in a jokingly way, what I would perceive as an uncomfortable topic, that really shouldn’t have been brought up until he was able to see it, and then make a joke out it such as “yup, having babies can do a number on our tummies” then let it go.
Most men were brought up by mom’s, and female relatives, who had stretch marks, so its not something they are surprised or shocked by, when they have sex with a woman who’s had children. I not only have stretch marks as my first child was huge for my little frame but I also endured a cesarean section because he was too big to deliver naturally. I don’t care, in fact, I tell them ‘I earned these birth scars’ whereas, my husband, nor the few men I’ve been with, after my divorce, never had an issue with it.
It’s not a big deal, so don’t make it a big deal.
Maddie
Did you have this conversation over text? It sounds like there was a miscommunication in tone. It was a tone-deaf joke for someone self-conscious, but if he respects your boundary after you told him you’re not okay with that kind of joke and if you otherwise like him, then give him a chance. If he continues putting you down and pretending everything critical is just a joke, then he’s passive-aggressive inconsiderate and drop him. So far it sounds like he made a mistake and is appropriately trying to repair it, though.
You also don’t need to bring up stretch marks in conversation before a new guy sees them. Most won’t care (they want to see you without clothes and are happy when it happens not fixating on what you perceive as flaws), and if they do then they’re not worth your time. Calling attention beforehand because you don’t like the marks will just make a guy notice who otherwise wouldn’t have, or he’ll even immediately forget you even mentioned it because it’s not a big deal to him. I know it can be difficult to have a new partner and to want to fixate on your own “flaws,” but other people are generally not judging you for such things because they don’t define you. You had a kid, it changes your body, most mature men will see them as such and appreciate that they’re a part of the many parts of you and not give them much other thought. Plus, I’m sure he’s not physically perfect, but you’re not fixating on his imperfections when you first see them either, so give yourself the same grace.
Maddie
I think since he immediately apologized for the bad joke, it’s definitely worth giving him another chance. You mentioned that the two of you banter a lot and it’s only natural in the beginning phases of a relationship, that some jokes fall flat as you are still getting to know one another and understand one another’s sense of humor. Since he was immediate and sincere with an apology, I would let it go and continue dating him. Feel free to let him know that certain topics are sensitive for you and that although you enjoy the good banter in general, you would appreciate a more tender hearted response with those certain sensitive topics. Also, most men don’t care about stretch marks at all. It really doesn’t phase them and I bet he will barely notice if and when he ever sees them. As for you, be proud of the marks and scars that make you who you are! They make you even more beautiful because they represent your journey in life.
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