Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Stereotypical boyfriend?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 3 years, 8 months ago by
Jay.
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Ess
We’ve been dating for around 3 weeks, so I’m not sure if I should call him stereotypical but his few comments have driven me insane.
During our second meeting, he asked me if I was a feminist, and I told him…”Yes, I’m a feminist and I think everyone should be a feminist…” I asked him if he had a problem with that and he said no.
So, I kinda think that he is trying to hide that he is a gender-biased person.Let me give 3 examples out of a few:
One day, at his house, I asked him for a broom to sweep broken glass…he laughed asking me why a man would ever have a broom, and went ahead to say that’s a woman’s thing.
While thinking of a movie to watch, I suggested a popular drama show, which he ignorantly dismissed by saying that drama movies are “girlish”, therefore, he wouldn’t be caught watching them.
I asked him a political opinion of what he thinks of 2 particular local women as leaders. He went on about how women can’t lead because they have no unity and cooperation. He went on about why men are better as leaders. I tried to tell him that it’s not fair to say that about women because we can’t deny that there have been good female leadership instances in workplaces, schools, and many places. He dismissed that. He went on about how 2 women can’t cooperate to work together and that’s why men lead.
Coming from a totally gender-biased community, where I’m expected to be the typical traditional girl, I’m sensitive to stereotypical men that I date. Since we are used to heavy gender-biased stuff, like a boyfriend expecting you to cook, wash and cloth him, it can be easy for one to date someone who shows just a little bit of gender bias.
Or I’m I being overly sensitive?
Obviously you can’t change someone’s viewpoint, right?
So, I’m wondering if I should keep dating him or quit early on.
I also know that he comes from a heavily gendered community, where it’s taboo for a woman to not know how to cook, or for a woman to say she’s a feminist.
So, those who have lived in gender-biased communities. How do you date? Do you compromise and date men who are just a little bit gender-biased or do you reject all gender-biased men regardless of them being good men in general.
Ewa
question is how do you see yourself, do you see yourself cooking him a dinner every night and being a stereotypical woman in his eyes?
if not then yes he is not the man for you.
Liz Lemon
Ewa is right. It’s not about him being good or bad. It’s whether you can live harmoniously with his view of women. If his views bother you this early on, it’s a bad sign.
Are you willing to cook dinner and be a stereotypical woman? Is he willing to compromise his views and open his mind? This type of worldview is a difficult thing to change. The person has to WANT to change themselves, you can’t force it on them.
Lane
We are all biased, as are you, its just that your biases/views don’t mesh up on what I would consider to be a major subject which is what dating is all about—determining if your views, beliefs, likes, dislikes, etc. mesh up to the point that you agree on major areas/topics/subjects far more than you disagree. The only time opposites should attract is is when the other can influence you, in a positive way, in regard to something that you wouldn’t have thought of, or tried, but for they took you out of your comfort zone (bias) and it made you a better person because of it. Its known as “yin-yang.”
Since his biases/views on women are very different from yours, and there doesn’t seem to be any compromise or meeting of the minds, then yes, you should continue to meet other guys so to find someone you mesh better with.
If dating becomes too hard, then your dating the wrong guy :o)
mama
Change comes from within, not other people. So accept him as is. If what he does and says about gender does not sit well with you and it’s something that’s important to you, move on to someone who reflects your priorities.
Raven
I’m curious why you’re still seeing this ‘Stereotypical’ guy & calling him a BF after only 3 weeks…
Maddie
Do you feel respected? I think that’s also very important, in addition to whether or not your gender-role views compatibly match up. Someone can feel a woman’s place is in the home but also respect her and not see her as an object, possession, or servant.
As said above, do not expect him to change. Decide if his views fit yours, and break up if they don’t. Romantic relationships should add to your life, not make it harder.
I personally do not operate well within the gender roles you’re talking about and it wouldn’t sit well with me, but trying to put myself in your shoes… what I don’t like about this is how rigid he is. If a woman is not around, he is content to live in filth instead of temporarily pulling his own weight and sweeping until his situation changes? That is what I hear when he asks why would he have a broom. Someone should still be able to look after themselves and it not be beneath them to do so, even if they feel the responsibility changes to the wife once you get married. What happens if you have a family but get sick for a little while, does he let everyone suffer because anything domestic is still your job and he can never bring himself to pitch in? That’s what rubs me the wrong way here even if specific gender roles were more normalized in my society, but again, I know I’m coming from a different cultural perspective.
Sam
“If dating becomes too hard, then you’re dating the wrong guy”
THIS!!! Well said, Lane.
LnJ
“do you reject all gender-biased men regardless of them being good men in general”
Wait. Are you suggesting that a gender-biased man, like the one you’re describing here, could be a “good man”? Viewing women as un-equal, and yet somehow could come out a “good man”?
Drop this guy’s a**. He’s very obviously displaying rotten thinking.
Jay
1. why man would ever have a broom and…..it’s a woman’s thing.
My view: He probably won’t or seldom do house chores after you two get married. You better hold onto your hat!
2. girlish movie and women can’t lead………
He’s male chauvinism.
If I were you, I wouldn’t consider to date him. It would be hard for him to be a considerate husband. I know this, because I know an acquaintance in my family who is exactly like him.
However, if you can accept this, that won’t be a problem. But as a man from Taiwan, I do house chores every day. Do the laundry (by hands), mop the floor (by hands), wash dishes….
Why do I do this? Because as a family member, it’s our duty to do it. It doesn’t belong to my mom’s work. We all have responsibility. Besides, my mom needs to work, she always has a long day and very tired. And my work is flexible, so I’m willing to handle house chores.
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