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- This topic has 19 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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Vera
Hello,
I’m dating a man for a few months and things are going well overall but I’m realizing he has some hobbies that take up a lot of his time . One sport In particular .
Any advice on how to get him to spend more time with me instead ? I’m sure if I asked he would skip it some days but I want to inspire him to decide to spend time with me … is that even possible ?
I have my own hobbies, sports, friends as well and I spend a healthy amount of time doing them . But I am ready to spend more time with a significant other to build a relationship .
And no- I can’t really spend time with him doing his sport / hobby .
ThanksGaia
Is this sport an obsession that is 24/7? Why take away something he enjoys instead of figuring out a way to enjoy it or be supportive of it with him? Are you willing to give up one of your hobbies, sports, etc. to have more time with him?
I think you’ll have to find a compromise.
Vera
It’s not 24/7 but he has other limitations in his schedule.
It takes up the entire day , whereas my sports / hobbies take up only a few hours at most .
The issue is he also has kids (who he has less than 50 percent of the time) and cannot do the sport when he has them .
So he does them on other days … which eat up into our time together …Raven
Is it a seasonal sport?
Vera
Yes it is ! Summer only . You may have guessed it. It’s golf .
Vera
Well to be more clear it would be part of spring , summer, part of fall …
Gaia
Why can’t you golf with him?
Vera
I want to but he’s in some very competitive level and so plays in a league.
If he takes me it’s just an extra short game on a date nightSophia
That’s a tough one. While you may be ready to spend more time with a significant other to build a relationship, it doesn’t sound like he is. Three seasons is a long time for a sport. Has he ever engaged in your hobbies instead of playing golf?
I wonder if you might not be on the same page as to the future of your relationship.AngieBaby
I tried to learn to golf but I”m not good at it and didn’t enjoy it. I do however love being out in nature on the course. I’m always happy to drive the cart and watch others play.
If he isn’t offering to give up some of his golf time voluntarily to spend more time with you… that’s information about his priorities. There’s no good way to ask him to give up time doing something he loves without creating resentment.
T from NY
The first step in the wrong direction to growing anything solid with a man is – trying to change him. This is WHO HE IS. A woman’s job is to sit back and observe and regard a man. Decide if she likes what she sees, can he make her happy? The fall and winter months are coming! Tbh honest it’s a bad sign if you’re questioning his interest in spending time with you now – as believe you me – the first months should be the most intense and exciting if both people are all in. But do not fret. Enjoy your life! See if he steps it up when the seasons change. If he doesn’t – he’s either not that in to you, or he’s just not that into a relationship period. Either way you’ll know.
tammy
i doubt he would give up a sport he loves for anyone. and if you compel him, he will feel resentful. i think you will have to figure some other way to get close.
Ewa
Sorry to say this, but I am pretty sure you knew about his hobby before you even met him, now you are trying to change him and take him away from what he really loves doing. Even if you succeed this won’t last, because he won’t be happy and he will see you as this woman who couldn’t accept his hobby. He plays in a league so this isn’t even his hobby, it might be his job! if he is getting paid for it…
Liz Lemon
I agree with T from NY– the worst thing you can do when building a relationship is expect a man to change. You have to accept him as he is. I also agree that it’s a bad sign if you’re unhappy with his interest level in you this early on, as this should be the honeymoon period. It doesn’t bode well for the future.
“I am ready to spend more time with a significant other to build a relationship”– He may be more available to you in the winter months, but when the spring/summer comes he’ll go right back to golfing constantly. So you have to decide whether you can accept a relationship with a guy who is much less available to you in the warmer months. It doesn’t sound like that’s something you want, which I don’t blame you for.
Out of curiosity, how often does he play? Daily? How often do you get to see him?
Elvira
I agree with the others that this is who he is and you cannot expect to change him.
The only thing I would suggest is speaking to him about maybe teaching you about the sport and taking days where you and he can golf and see if you like it. If you do not you can suggest to him well maybe we can find something we both like. I think sometimes because we don’t know much about the sport it comes across as boring (guilty).
If your goal is to spend more time together then you need to let him know now your expectations before it gets to the point that he says “it never bothered you before”.
Vera
Good questions .
Actually I DO love golf and that’s partly why he pursued me so much .
At the beginning he would talk a lot about golfing with me etc . He was just so happy he found a woman who likes golf .
I’m just a beginner but very much into it and have improved a lot over the summer . I will often even end up going to play rounds of golf with my own friends or to the driving range with my own friends .
This is why I’m extra perplexed that he doesn’t try harder to mix me with his hobby .Raven
Ask him for tips & pointers to improve your game…
Anon
Since that was what he liked about you- I’m thinking he’s not going to understand how golf is a problem. I would not say anything about it and I believe that it will come up naturally in conversation when it interferes with something you both want to do. I like to let guys come to their own conclusion on these types of things.
Eva
If he’s doing it at a competitive level it’s more than a hobby. Even at the amateur just-for-fun level, athletes are still supposed to show up at their trainings and competitions/game schedules rule their lives. Tbh he probably wouldn’t give up trainings for you.
The thing is that you liking golf was probably a major plus for you, actually the reason why you even came into consideration. He assumed you would understand that his trainings are important. Dating an athlete means sports will interfere with plans a lot, you should think long and hard whether that’s acceptable to you. It is fine (and very natural) if you think you should come before sports, but then you 2 simply aren’t a good match.
If you can get on board with it, follow Raven’s tip.
Liz Lemon
Totally agree with Eva. This sounds like more than a “hobby”. He is very serious about the game, and having someone who is far less skilled tag along with him will only be a distraction. Also agree that he probably expects you to understand that, since you are also interested in the sport (but don’t play at his level).
Men also don’t necessarily want to mix their girlfriend/partner with their hobby. They like having their own passions. It’s not a bad thing, at all. It’s healthy for each person in the relationship to have their own “thing” that they are into. So I don’t think that expecting him to incorporate you into his golfing, when he does not seem interested in doing so, is realistic.
I don’t think much will change with this situation, honestly. He is not going to give up his passion for you. You have to decide if you’re OK dating this guy the way he is.
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