Specific advice on what I should do/if I should do anything

I’m going to say this straight, no chaser. He’s not an a-hole. You’ve got a drinking problem. And you’re way too aggressive and generally not in control of yourself.

You’ve made the classic female mistake of believing that sex = guy wants a relationship with you. It doesn’t. When you learn that lesson everything changes and you’re in control. You have sex when either a) you can leave and not give a damn if he calls again or not or b) there’s been a discussion and you’re exclusive BF/GF, when you’ve known each other long enough (getting locked down too fast can lead to fast burnout).

You’re the one giving mixed messages and playing games. You told him 20 dates before sex and then slept with him drunk. Nope. Don’t ever do that again. That’s just juvenile and very unattractive behavior.

All your behavior and all of the pushy texting are most likely what’s scared him away. Leave him alone. He’s not interested.

But don’t let this incident go to waste – learn from it. Slow down on the alcohol, you seem to lose control and common sense when you’re “tipsy.” Don’t have sex at all on the first few dates, you can’t handle it. Don’t keep texting a guy over and over – you’re chasing. Don’t tell him straight up how much you like him until you’ve heard and seen it from him.

Sorry if this is really blunt, but you seem to need to hear it. You will keep driving men away if you keep behaving like this. Only a guy who wants a booty call will keep responding if you act like this. It feels like either you’re too desperate to get into a relationship or you secretly don’t really want one.

OMG I cringed so hard reading this! You’ve just chased and chased! Your behaviour makes zero sense. Not the first date sex, but saying you are not a booty call yet messaging offering to meet up after 10pm… that’s literally a booty call!

You should never ever chase and push a man like this and if you have no self control when out drinking with friends then give them your phone so you don’t end up doing this sort of embarrassing thing. Once with the calling when he offered to pick you up is excusable but over and over? Double and triple texting? You look desperate. Offering to ditch your friends to go to see him when he is home and in bed? What did you think would happen??!!

We’ve all been there… I certainly have cringe worthy memories of chasing a man like this when I first started dating again a couple of years ago but I’ve learnt from it. I work really really hard to let the man lead and to not over invest. It’s not easy it’s a mindset you have to work at but you can’t know a man’s intentions if you do the chasing and you come off desperate as hell and end up in the booty call zone.

Learn from this! Accept this one is a lost cause and move on.

Thank you for reaching out!
I am new to this website so I’m not sure how replies work. So do you think this is a situation from your perspective, where he was genuinely interested but then I started chasing him and coming off a little aggressive/desperate and that he might be pulling away? Do you think he is even interested anymore? Without going into too much detail on what his replies are, he always replies and he will say “yes I definitely want to hang out soon how about next week“ etc. but then he lately hasn’t really been trying to make a plan.
I guess he could be just being nice but I feel like If you were just trying to be nice you wouldn’t say all that, especially “yeah I definitely do wanna see you soon, how about next week?” Like if you weren’t interested maybe even not reply or be more vague like” yeah I’ll let you know when I’m not busy”

Sofia honey, how old are you??

You aren’t taking on board the answers to your questions. You’ve gotten explanations from myself and several others and you don’t seem to have even read them because you just asked the same things.

Believe it or not, there are plenty of guys out there who aren’t interested in booty calls or one-nighters, even if a girl throws herself at him. Which is what you’ve done.

We aren’t mind readers. There’s no way of telling how interested he was. You had a nice first date but you got drunk and went home with him and had sex. For some men that’s no big deal and not a turn-off but for some men it is. For some guys once you’ve behaved like that you’ve given the impression that if you did that with him you’ll do that with anyone and they don’t want a girl like that. Impossible to say which of these he is.

Look at it from his perspective: you’ve given off the impression that you have an issue with alcohol. No one wants to be with a drunk. You slept with him and then told him you won’t do it again for another 20 dates (20??!!) and then you late night text and call and act like you want to do it again. You treated him like a booty call, actually. Why would he be interested in you after all this weirdness?? I wouldn’t want someone who acted like this – no one emotionally healthy would. No offense intended.

You have not presented yourself as genuinely interested in a relationship nor have you shown you are good relationship material.

He’s being polite and giving you the brush-off when he says yes, let’s get together and then doesn’t actually make a date. He’s done this a few times now. The wording doesn’t matter. He’s not going to tell you directly to go away, most guys don’t operate like that. Time to get the hint and leave him alone. Honestly, I believe you’ve done too much damage here for him to come back, it feels to like he’s gone.

The fact that you keep asking if he will come back is proof you are desperate. Not good. PLEASE get a grip on yourself, face your drinking issue and for heaven’s sake let this guy go and don’t contact him any longer.

That is my point in saying that I wonder if I am a booty call because a booty call would want to try and see you so they can hook up? I am not disagreeing or arguing I am just trying to figure out what’s going on. But either way the balls in his court if he wants to reach out.
It seems like he was interested at one point and then maybe it was when I kept calling him that one night that made him hesitant?

how did you meet him? dating app? if so , chances are he was just looking for sex but acted intersted just to get you to sleep with him

OK so whether he wants you as a booty call or not isn’t the issue. Its that you’ve presented yourself as a booty call option and he has declined. Either because he isn’t interested in a booty call or because he knows he can keep you in his back pocket for when he is.

In answer to your questions, yes your behaviour is clearly off putting to him and its stopped him from being interested in a relationship with you. He is polite when YOU initiate but he doesn’t initiate and he doesn’t follow through with making actual dates. Men would rather chew their right arm off then tell a woman bluntly they are not interested so he is fobbing you off politely hoping you’ll get the message. His actions are very clear- he is not interested.

My advice is stop contacting him at all. If by some miracle he reaches out to organise a date – an actual planned date not a last minute late night hang out – then that is great and you have the opportunity to repair things and is impression of you but honestly I think the damage is done. So sorry to be so blunt!

I totally agree with what the ladies are saying here. This guy lost interest for whatever reason. Like AngieBaby said, we’re not mind readers, so we cant know exactly what turned him off. Maybe it was getting drunk and sleeping with him (as has been said, that can be a turnoff to guys….they will take you up on the sex, but not want anything long term with you). Maybe it was the constant initiating on your behalf– sorry to say you come off as kind of desperate with the constant texting and initiating with him.

He’s obviously trying to be polite. If he wanted to see you, he’d contact you of his own accord and set up a date. A guy who is interested in you stays on your radar by regularly calling/texting even between dates, just to check in, say hi, maintain contact. When I started dating my bf there literally was not a day that went by that I didn’t hear from him, even if we didn’t have plans to see each other that day. This guy is going a full week without bothering to contact you! That screams no interest.

Don’t try to figure out what’s going on in his head. You can’t, and you’ll drive yourself crazy trying. Focus on yourself and the errors you made so you don’t repeat them. The excessive drinking, sleeping with him too early, aggressively pursuing & initiating instead of letting him pursue you– those are all mistakes you should learn from.

Also notice the only times he made a concrete suggestion about getting together, it was a suggestion that you come over to his house late at night. After the concert, when you called him 5 times drunk and he didn’t answer; and then when you were out with your friend: “he is staying in tonight but if I want to come over and hang out I can and he gives me his address. I tell him that I am not able to drive because I’ve been drinking but I may be able to get a ride and come over around 1130. That’s when he replies that we should plan for next week because he is about to go to bed.” So at first he invited you over, and then withdrew the invitation and said he was going to bed when you could not come over right then and there. Why invite someone over when he supposedly was about to go to bed? He most likely wanted sex and when you were not immediately available, he lost interest.

Everything about this guy’s behavior screams no interest. At this point he’s not even trying for a booty call, he’s just not contacting you. Just let it go and learn from it.

He was not interested in you either:
– after sex
Or
– after you had sex then revoked it for 20 date – if you ever have sex again on the first date, it rarely can be taken off the table again without you looking unstable and insecure. You were better off just seeing what happened and if he called again, only been available for a daytime activity or had to go home for an early start
Or
– was never that interested because you went on one date
Or
– all of the above

He did not contact you for a week after your night, and even then it was not even asking you out.

Your behavior escalated when he was being nice, he was afraid to say anything else as it might escalate more with a rejection when you were already calling, asking him out, needing validation and such. You behaved unstable and men will do anything to avoid a confrontation with someone they barely know.

It is ok to have sex on date one, but only if you see that it means nothing in moving forward.

I decided to post the convo so there is a better understanding!

Saturday
August 7th
Him 7pm: “ do you have any plans this weekend?”

Me: 8:15: “ I am at a concert right now but I might go out after what about you?”

Him: 8:30:I am just hanging out at my new apartment that I just moved into I was wanting to see if maybe you wanted to meet up later?

8:35 me:Yeah I’d be down I’m at this concert until like 1030 and my friends are my ride are you going out afterwards?

8:40 him:
I don’t think I’m gonna go out afterwards but yeah if you need a ride I can come get you

8:45 me:
OK I’ll let you know what my friend says

8:55 him:
OK yeah let me know if you wanna do something after!

Me: 9:00
OK sorry my friends being annoying

9:04 him:
What do you mean?

Me:9:10
She’s like no I want to go out
You should come out

915
Him:
Haha I wanna

9:20:
OK yay now come get us

9:30 him:
Haha that doesn’t mean that I actually I’m going out though

9:45:
Me:
Oh well we will come over and convince you
OK actually can you just come get me

9:55
Him
I mean I will just depends do you want me to come get you

10:
Me:
Either that or my friend can leave in 30 minutes

10:05 him:
I don’t mind getting you but it’s if you want to 10:14 me:
OK actually can you just come get me

10:14
Him:”OK I have to be up by 7:30 though is that OK?”

10:15
Me:
“Yeah that’s fine”
10:15
“Actually wait my friend now I can drive”
10:30
“What is your address”

And then I called him like 5 times

Next day:

me: “Wow sorry my text made no sense but we should try to get together this week”
Me again:
August9th:
“do you want to try and get together this week”11pm
Him: Yea, def. Let’s shoot for Friday, if that works for you. Got work stuff to attend to on Thursday

August10
2:45pm
Me:Okay yes that works for me!

August 13 Friday:
7pm Me: What’s up

8:30:
Him:Just got back to my place from dinner with work What’s up?

8:35Me:Oh fun! And l’m just getting drinks with my friend

8:40Him:Cool, y’all going out tonight?

Me:
8:50:think for a little maybe, what about you?
8:59:
I wasn’t Sure what time you and I we’re meeting up so I went out to grab food with her But she might have to go home early anyway 9:00Him:Ok, nice. No, I don’t think l’m going to go out tonight. Going to a bday party tomorrow and golf golf Sunday, so taking it easy tonight”

9:10Me:We can still still meet up if u want?

9:20Him:Where y’all getting drinks?

9:30Me:Well right now we are in (location 30 mins away). But don’t have a plan

9:40:Him:Oh wow you’re far away! Well if you wanna come over you can. I’m just watching tv

9:50Me: Yeah she lives in the south end. And we are having a few drinks but l’d like to hang out I just won’t be able to drive. So l’m just trying to figure out how to get there if u wanna get me

9:55:Him:Gotcha. I wanna hang out too but you are just too far away for me to come get you. Maybe we will have to reschedule

10:05:Me:wait we’re actually now in (closer location) I can get a ride but I don’t think I can be there until 11:15?
10:15:Okay wait l’m by (close location)

Him:10:35: Ok my address is (address)Pretty close to there Me:10:40pm:Okay but it’ll be like 11:15

10:45 Him: Ok. Lets just meet up next week. Bout to fall asleep

11:15:Me: Yeah no problem I understand. Just give me a little bit of a heads up and we can meet up!

August 19th 10pm:

10:45pm
Me:

I just got back from this dinner thing if you want to hang out. It’s kinda late though and I do have to get up early, so we could shoot for another time instead too hmmmm”

And he didn’t reply for 24 hours so then I texted him around 11 PM August 20:
Me:
“Okayy well let me know if you wanna. Sorry I haven’t been able to recently I’ve been all over the place but I still find ya cute”Him 9am August 21:
“Ok yea, def do. Just outta town this weekend. I’ll reach out next week”

Monday August 24 7pm:
Me:
Sorry I thought I replied! But okay yeah sounds good just lemme know. And don’t worry I won’t make you drive me haha

August 28th Saturday 10pm:
Me: Hey did you end up going out? I wanted to see if you wanted to hangout. I did have a good time getting to know you if you wanted to do it again but I wasnt sure if you wanted.

10:20pm:
Him: “I sure do but I’m at a wedding right now. Lets chill next week!”

Monday August 30th
8:30am:
Me:
“Yes! I’m free Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday!”