Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Should I stay away and take a break?
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Amy.
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Amy
I briefly dated a guy. It was very intense at the beginning and he broke it off because he said he’s not ready for a relationship, due to a lot of personal issues he’s having. We’ve talked about what happened and he said I did nothing wrong, that he got very caught up in his emotions early on and wanted to pursue a relationship, but felt he couldn’t right now. We’ve stayed friends and become very close. We see each other several times a week and I like him very much. My problem is that I have fallen in love with him and I find myself constantly hoping we’ll become romantic again. He has become a very good friend and I really enjoy being around him. I am wondering if I should take a break from hanging out with him to allow myself time and space to get over my feelings. The thought of not seeing him for a while really bums me out, but it often hurts to be around him and not be able to be his girl. I believe good relationships are built on friendship, so I am glad we have become so close, but the time we spend together just makes my romantic feelings stronger and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end the friendship completely, but just maybe take some time away. Any advice/thoughts?
redcurleysue
Let’s look at this. If I was dating a man and I said, “Not ready for a relationship” to him what would I mean? I would mean that the guy should not wait around for me. Oh, I might like him as a friend but that is all at that point.
I do think you should take a break from this guy and your feelings. Just get together with your GFs. Take a vacation. Get busy with planning your own life. Go out and date others. Do not waste YOUR life waiting on this.
Anderson
Do it. Take a break. I’ve been in your shoes and it is incredibly difficult to distance yourself with someone you’re attached to, talk to, and hang around but it’s the right decision -for you-
On a side note, I’ve wondered about the legitimacy of the friend label if either person was harboring romantic feelings. It doesnt change or undermine the connection, but I personally haven’t been able to call mine a friendship if that happens
Amy
Thanks, Curley Sue. I need to hear this. I actually allowed myself to go on a date with another guy and even though it felt a little weird, we had a great time. I am also planning meet-ups with friends. Thanks for your insight!
Amy
Thank you, Anderson, for your wise words. I agree…it’s hard to know if I can truly be a friend to someone if I still want more and/or don’t really want to know about his dating life. I sometimes feel there’s something still there on both sides, but it just isn’t in the cards right now.
Lane
Amy, in every circumstance such as this I took the “out of sight, out of mind” approach with the man. I do not believe you can be friends with someone you are secretly pining for as you are always panning for nuggets (looking for signs) that may indicate he’s had a change of mind/heart when he hasn’t. This is never a good place to be and best to move on so your heart and mind can be open to another man who doesn’t want to just be ‘a friend.’
When I did this I had numerous guys come back. Some quicker than others depending upon how much they *missed* me when I was gone and out of their life. Although they all didn’t work out for various reasons, I did ended up marrying one (apart for a year) and in a relationship with another (apart for nine months) because I fully accepted it was over, moved on, and put them in the past (out of sight, out of mind). They were the one’s who were still harboring feelings, at least enough for them to make contact again, then step way up to the plate and bat it out of the park. It was only when they did this I gave them another shot, if not bye-bye forever!!!
Just so you know I’ve had numerous old flames contact me 20+ years later with the advent of the internet (yeah I’m older lol). Weird how when you never think of them again they still find a way to pop back in or try to return haha. Men are silly creatures :o)
Amy
Thank you, Lane. And I completely agree…I’ve had the experience of exes or former flames returning as well….usually after it’s too late. I am close friends with the guy, so I guess I could just explain that I need some time and space to work through my feelings, although I am terrified at the thought of not having him in my life at all, as we’ve grown so close as friends. And yes, men are silly creatures. : ) Thank you!
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