This topic contains 26 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by mia 3 months, 2 weeks ago.
January 19, 2022 at 8:25 am #930742
So I have started dating again after a gap of 5 years. I am 26. So I have barely ever dated seriously. But that’s what the intention is now: to find a suitable guy. I met a guy on bumble, he is 33. We just texted a bit, exchanged a few messages like what do you do in your free time. And he asked me upfront let me know if you want to catch up for a drink after work today. I said ok. He offered to come pick me up without even knowing how far I live. That didn’t turn out to be a problem as I live just 15 minutes away from him. He has a really nice, expensive car as well. He seemed okay looks wise too. And once we started talking I figured out he is very good on paper too: top notch college, top notch work company etc. By the way, same applies to me, I am good on paper too. I had a good time talking to him. He drove me around and paid for everything. However, there were certain things i didn’t really like:
1. He had suggested we will go to a certain bar but then changed mind as we were late and good commercial places would really close down according to the govt covid regulations. But there was some other place he mentioned which would remain open for longer and can take our booze too. And would even allow us to smoke some great stuff he brought from the hills. Okay fine I agree, maybe that isn’t too weird (not talking about the smoking up bit but the changing of the venue). He bought really nice imported beers and went to the place. It did not look all that great. But ok fine I don’t want to go to a very expensive place on the first date itself but why change the place all of a sudden? This sort of hinted towards money issues. And mind you, all these thoughts that I have written arose after the incident I wanted to discuss happened. He said you want to order food or get the warm bonfire. There was open seating. And it wasn’t expensive at all. It was fairly cheap. I mean how can you put forth a choice between food and fire? 😂 And then he did not order anything the entire time, it looked like he just didn’t want food, he even said things like if you are really hungry you can order because food we can have anytime, even once this closes, as he was not hungry at that time. I mean I didn’t know how to react to this, how can you go somewhere and not order food? and just because you aren’t hungry doesn’t mean the other person isn’t hungry either. I mean obviously I could have ordered and eaten whatever I wanted but I am just questioning his manners a little.
2. Secondly, his thoughts on topics screamed things like he is great, or generally right or maybe a bit too different from what I want to hear maybe that’s why I felt it. But he literally made a Statement: I don’t know if you are a feminist, but death is still worse than getting ra*ed that’s why you don’t have capital punishment for ra*e in all countries. By profession I am a lawyer. I don’t like hearing such things. Thoughts on this?
3. He took me home saying I wanted to roll up one last and talk a bit more with you then I’ll drop you back myself. I had already said we can drive around a little then he can drop me back to my place as he had insisted that we talk a bit more and spend some more time together. But then he drove to his place and said we can smoke one up at my place I even told him I have an early meeting tomorrow and wanna push off sooner, I don’t get sleep anywhere but my own place etc. But he insisted and said don’t worry, I will drop you back myself. And after talking some more, when an hour or so was done and I asked him to drop me then he initiated a kiss. I didn’t feel like kissing. So I said I am not in the mood. In our culture it’s not very common anyway to kiss a dude you meet the first time. He stopped but didn’t seem very pleased. And after a couple minutes he again made a move on me saying we will surely kiss and I said no again then he said yeah we aren’t going to kiss ever and started laughing. We were actually a bit buzzed and had been laughing a lot. Then he said a kiss doesn’t have a date written on it, next time, third date or whatever, you kiss the other person and find out how you feel. To which I said yeah but only if you want to, it isn’t a necessity. And then I asked him if I could leave, he said yeah I will drop you. We joked on our way back too. He dropped me. I slept. In the morning he texted me to ask did you make it to your morning meet. To which I haven’t replied as I don’t know if I want to meet him again.
Ideal would have been he picked me, we went to the same place we talked about, drive around a little and chatted, had a bit of similar thinking and then drops me back without asking for a kiss or something. So I don’t feel like I want to meet him again. Am I expecting too much, or this was normal for a first date?
And I know looks like too much analysis for someone you’ve hardly known more than 3 days lol. But I have ended 2 back to back abusive and manipulative relationships and have taken the time and did the work to heal. Trying to validate my feelings, stand up for myself, basically be more in touch with how I am feeling and be in touch with my intuition, not ignore my hurt or bad feelings in order to see and appreciate the “goodness” in others. So just don’t wanna end up in one again and therefore wanna date smart and gear the thoughts of other experienced women in the world of healthy dating.January 19, 2022 at 11:13 am #930746
NEVER EVER get into a vehicle with someone you do not know.
He was a stranger & this could have turned out way beyond bad.January 19, 2022 at 11:14 am #930747
& yes, he wanted sex…January 19, 2022 at 11:49 am #930750
Listen to your gut. No, this wasn’t a “normal” first date. Here are the red flags I see: he brought drugs on the 1st date and got high, he insisted on driving you around when you were ready to go home, then forced a kiss on you.
I have no problem with smoking weed, my bf and I both partake, but it speaks very poorly of a guy to bring drugs on a first date and get high! And he shows a clear lack of boundaries with forcing a kiss on you and refusing to take you home the first time you asked. Plus his awful comments about rape, I mean what kind of guy says that, on a first date no less!
“I don’t feel like I want to meet him again.”- then don’t. It’s really that simple. Listen to your gut, always! And I also agree with what Raven said about driving around with a guy you don’t know. For a first date with a stranger it’s better to agree on a meeting place and get there yourself, and get yourself home.January 20, 2022 at 1:48 am #930765
Raven- that is some really good and common sense advice. I was feeling uneasy as I agreed to pick me up. Prolly this was the reason. It didn’t feel safe probably.
Liz- tbh we had connected over the fact that we both smoke up and he had suggested that he could bring some and we could light it up. This was when we were still talking on the dating app. I agreed, that’s why he brought it. I agree with the rest of what you said. His comment was inappropriate, he shouldn’t have insisted on driving me around and taking me home when I clearly said I wanted to go home, also trying to kiss or convincing me to give in to the kiss was again borderline abusive behavior. I am very happy I listened to my gut and was able to know that these behaviours are problematic and do not spell “desire” in any way. That’s the classic way I used to see such men before.
Also, how to date smart on dating apps? Hardly any guy over there says he is looking for a serious relationship, and the ones that do say they want it generally seem very uninteresting or boring. And the others are all just about I am open to the idea of a relationship, but lets see how it goes, and they don’t do anything other than try to kiss etc by the end of the date. I have already met 2-3 such men and I am thoroughly disappointed. I really feel as if you don’t sleep or kiss guys, they don’t wanna have anything to do with you. And the worst thing is they get away with it, because there are always some women who are ready to sell themselves short and sleep with them to appear cool. These men target college girls, or other naïve girls to fool. Maybe this is just a rant. The dating world is so cruel and I feel so sorry for the women tbh.January 20, 2022 at 2:28 am #930767
i still cant get over the food part. lol. and it surely goes downhill from there. i have been out on such a date or two. no ordering of food bec guy didn’t want to eat. but what the heck? i was hungry so i ordered! i would not meet this guy again and neither should you.January 20, 2022 at 7:58 am #930769
Tammy- lol same here. I mean they don’t even care how they are coming across to the other person. Forget about how the other person is feeling as a result. Atleast think about how that makes you look.January 20, 2022 at 8:51 am #930771
yeah exactly. and well he chose a cheaper place so he shld have asked you if you would like to have some nibbles atleast since you guys were having beer. thats basic. i usually make it a point to eat something when am drinking so that the alcohol doesn’t go to my head. i think now that your thinking of the whole night, even you wont bother with him again.January 20, 2022 at 9:30 am #930772
App dating is tough. It’s really a numbers game. “the others are all just about I am open to the idea of a relationship, but lets see how it goes, and they don’t do anything other than try to kiss etc by the end of the date. I have already met 2-3 such men and I am thoroughly disappointed.” You’ll have to date more than 2-3 guys to find someone you match with, honestly!
I actually think a guy saying that he’s open to the idea of a relationship, and not doing anything other than trying to kiss you at the end of the date, sounds normal and healthy. What do you want the guy to do at the end of the date?
It takes time to get to know someone and see if they’re a good match for a relationship. In fact, relationships that start off really hot and heavy tend to burn out just as quickly– it’s healthier to go a bit slow and get to know the person. I met my bf 4 years ago online, and we didn’t even kiss until the 3rd date. I really liked him and enjoyed his company and found him attractive, so I didn’t mind having a couple dates where we just talked and laughed and got to know each other.
I still think that getting high with a stranger on a first date is a bad idea. Just like getting drunk with a stranger on a first date is a bad idea. I like drinking and getting high (lol), but you want to be clear headed on a first date, not only for safety reasons, but so that you can have a good sense of whether the guy is a match for you. If you’re both high, it’ll cloud your judgement. So in the future I recommend not getting high with a guy on the first date, even if you want to. There’s plenty of time for that later once you know the guy.January 20, 2022 at 10:33 am #930776
I can,t get past you getting into his vehicle. NEVER DO THAT! You knew nothing about him! About a month or so ago, a university student from Utah met an older guy on-line through some group or common interest. She got into his car for their “first date/meet-up” He grabbed /took her phone soon after he started driving,took her miles and miles from home,chained her in his basement and raped her for days. If the police had not traced him after she was reported missing, she would likely have been murdered. This is true, Googgle it /check CNN etc.
And yes, he is an a*s.January 21, 2022 at 8:15 am #930802
Peggy- yes I realise I made a terrible mistake. Blunder. Will always keep in mind.January 21, 2022 at 8:20 am #930803
Liz- all I want ar the end of the date is a hug. I mean why is a kiss so normal? I don’t feel like kissing any guy I go out with till I start feeling a bit close to them emotionally and that surely doesn’t happen after meeting 2-3 times. And plus men in my country don’t have a very open mentality no matter how they portray otherwise, they will consider a woman who kisses on the first few dates when the guy feels nothing for them etc to mean easy or bad character. That’s how men typically think in my country no matter how educated they are lol.January 21, 2022 at 8:22 am #930804
Also Liz, I would like to have 5-6 dates like you had with your bf in the beginning. Just vibing, enjoying each other’s company, talking etc without any forced kissesJanuary 21, 2022 at 3:32 pm #930814
What tammy said. I actually read it as he didn’t want either of you to eat so you’d both be less sober. Which, as already discussed, isn’t good on a first date. Or if someone is driving!
Liz is right also. I went on so many online dates, 2-3 people didn’t cut it. Sometimes I’d get so frustrated with lousy guys I’d need to take a break for a couple months to stay in a positive and open mindset when I resumed dating and meeting new people and playing the numbers game until I got to the right guy.
If you like a guy but don’t want to kiss at the end of the date and he tries, you say it, give him a hug instead, but tell him you’d really look forward to meeting for another date and getting to know him better (so that he won’t read into it as a rejection, assuming you like him enough and it’s true). And guess what, if this turns him off and he disappears after, good riddance! Then he’s not the right guy for you and doesn’t waste your time. It also means when you do get second dates with the guys who respected your boundaries, that their response to you was to follow up and plan a next date, they’re likely to be higher quality.January 21, 2022 at 3:49 pm #930815
Men in your country look down on women who kiss on the first date, yet- he tired to kiss you at the end, among numerous other things…
Think about it. This is what this guy thinks about you.January 24, 2022 at 3:34 am #930850
Maddie- great advice, thanks.
Raven- yes that’s exactly what pissed me off about these kind of men. Also, they think this way about every woman they date. The one who doesn’t seem easy will be the one they will die courting and manipulating. And then when she gives in, she is finally what they already knew: an easy s*ut. They will happily go on to live after that and marry a virgin of their mother’s choice who they will respect, but only enough to marry and lie. They will still go out and date those same easy slu*s behind her back lol. I have zero interest in even looking at such guys lol.February 6, 2022 at 4:29 pm #931089
Actually these days since I am trying to date, I also feel ho*ny but I am very scared to break hearts or get mine broken. Since this guy felt like a total do*che and I would never develop feelings for him I feel like maybe I could try Fwb with him. What do you guys suggest? Although I still haven’t responded to his last text and even he didn’t follow up.February 7, 2022 at 12:29 am #931095
if you think hes a douche, why would you sleep with him? i am sure you will find better guys for your FWB arrangements. u need to block this guy. period.February 7, 2022 at 12:38 am #931098
@mia- NO… What the F*** are you thinking?!February 7, 2022 at 5:37 am #931109
Yes, you are right. I just don’t want to develop any feelings for the guys I sleep with. And I thought this one looks like someone I would never feel liike dating so why not give it a try. But no it is a wrong idea. If he was so entitled for a kiss the very first time we met, I am sure very soon he would comfortable forcing s*x as well god knows. It is better to block this guy probably. Thanks.February 7, 2022 at 9:13 am #931111
Don’t do it. A FWB is someone you should at least have mutual respect with, and like as a person! And you’re right, he was physically pushy and entitled with you on your first date (demanding a kiss), you can be sure he won’t respect boundaries when it comes to sex.February 7, 2022 at 4:08 pm #931137
The only way to even try not to develop feelings for the guys you sleep with is having very strong boundaries, like seeing them infrequently (maybe only every other week?) and not spending quality time with them or messaging much outside of making plans. Choosing a jerk to try to avoid feelings is just rewarding a jerk with sex and doesn’t guarantee you won’t end up falling for a jerk… which will be worse (much messier) and more painful than falling for someone respectful even if they don’t want to be in a relationship with you.February 8, 2022 at 10:22 am #931160
That sounds smart. But if it someone nice I will definitely fall for him. It’s so difficult to get a nice Fwb even lol.February 8, 2022 at 10:23 am #931161
I meet a guy. I like him but not enough to date, is that a fwb candidate ideally?February 8, 2022 at 11:07 am #931164
Honestly the vast majority of women are not cut out for FWB. So many women come post on this site because they’ve entered into a FWB situation with a guy, then get jealous/upset/hurt because the guy started contacting them less and pulling away, or because the guy started seeing someone else, or because the woman caught feelings and wanted to take things further but the guy didn’t.
Women aren’t really wired for FWB. Some women can handle it, yes, but you have to have a certain mindset– and honestly the fact that you’re asking these kinds of questions shows that you most likely cannot handle it. Plus you are newly dating after a long break, and came out of an abusive relationship before (which you mentioned in another thread). I don’t think you should entangle yourself in a FWB situation. I predict it will be messy and painful for you. It’s great that you’ve taken time to heal and are back out there, but just take things slowly, don’t go looking for trouble!