Should I let it go or should I let him know that what he did was wrong?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Should I let it go or should I let him know that what he did was wrong?

This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 8 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #780018 Reply

    Raquel

    So my boyfriend was supposed to come yesterday from travelling from work, I even texted him and asked him at what time was he coming and he replied at 4 PM, so I went back to our home, cause I was staying over my grandparents so I would not be alone in that house.

    So I left, went and run some errands and literally I arrived bawling my eyes out,at his house to keep it neat,wash some laundry etc and make it pretty before he came. So thankfully I did everything on a timely manner.

    Then at 5 ish I finish showering myself and he then calls me and says that a friend of his ex wife who died like 5 months ago was calling her cellphond,(which he has due to the fact that she left him a testament with 2 houses and some money she had left),so at the moment he is juggling with that and lawyers.

    This friend was more a friend of his ex, so he answered her phone ( which I don’t know why he still has ), and this man invited him to stay a little longer over there and even invited him to eat,( he happens to live where they send my boyfriend for work, what a coincidence).

    So my boyfriend tells me he did not know exactly at what time he would be back. So after a couple hours I called him at 9p and asked him if he was on his way, he replied that he was still over there talking with these friends, but that in an hour he would hit the road and be here around 2 in the morning,then at 10:48 PM he calls me and says that he was going to stay because it was getting late and he would be driving for the 3 hours and a half, he was afraid that he would he sleepy even though he had slept well the night before.

    The point is he literally ditched me, I had done a great
    meal for him, was waiting for him with a clean, good smelling house.and last minute he finds a friend of his ex and decides to stay.

    I am really disappointed that he did this to me,had been gone for a week and a half and he was returning yesterday and he does this!!

    What do you guys think about this, should I let it pass( cause it’s not the first time he’s done it) or should I let him know I am not happy with what he did.

    #780023 Reply

    Raven

    Why are you cleaning his house?

    #780026 Reply

    Tallspicy

    You can’t stay alone so you stayed with your grandparents? How old are you? That sounds like a very immature statement honestly.

    And I agree – why on earth are you cleaning a mans house? You are his girlfriend, not his mother or maid service.

    But, I get it was annoying. And it sounds like there is some distance in your relationship (long distance, not emotional). If it has happened more than once then bring it up as problem solving. So maybe if he gets distracted he lets you know so you can make other plans. Or you make formal plans for the day after his arrival and leave it open for his travel days. Ok to be irritated, but I suggest showing up with a resolution, not a complaining.

    #780027 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Why were you crying?

    And for next time, you called him 3 or 4 times in this… no no no. You are chasing him around like a parent. In your problem solving request that he call you so you know what’s up and don’t feel like you are chasing him for info.

    Once he told you he did not know when, you say, awesome… I am going to do Xyz thing and see you tmrw. Not keep chasing him. Call me when you are back in town.

    You need to own your neediness and behavior in this as well, not for him, for you. Stop cleaning houses, stop chasing, go do your own thing and reconnect when later. Ok to tell him it feels icky to need to chase him for info and waiting for him to come home. In the future, you expect him to contact you with time changes, and that you will find something else to do if the calendar becomes too unknown or an hour later than expected.

    #780029 Reply

    Lane

    This is a tough one because sometimes things do come up and you should be able to alter or do things without an SO getting all bent of out shape because something comes up or changes.

    Being overly rigid or having too high of expectations in a relationship can become an issue if one starts feeling like its too constrictive or constraining. With this, you need to be aware of the differences between an actual plan (set time, day, place, activity, etc.) and a “tentative plan” where there’s a window or time-frame of it possibly or maybe happening but it isn’t set in stone so it allows for wiggle room in the event something else comes up. If this has only happened once or twice do not make it an issue. If its not and is a one off type of thing where most or majority of plans you make are carried out then don’t go to battle with him because there will be a time something like this happens to you and be in a similar position so you need to allow some wiggle room when it comes to these one-off type of situations.

    The only time I would be really peeved is if we had made actual plans in advance and they were shirked at the last minute by something like this, in that even there would be a clear warning that if it happens again I would seriously need to consider if he’s a partner I can trust and rely on. However, when it comes to tentative plans I automatically lower my expectations whereas if it happens great, if not, no biggie, I’ll go do something else.

    My question is, did you discuss any of this with him beforehand or was this something you just did on your own without discussing it with him first? Were you trying to impress or surprise him with a nice clean house and dinner because when you engage in these kinds of *surprises* there’s a very high risk of it not panning out the way you planned it in your head because the other party can’t read your mind, nor knows what your doing or wanting if you don’t tell them. All I’m saying is if you are expecting him to read your mind or follow your mindset without clearly conveying what you wanted, what you were doing, or what you were planning ahead of time, there is a high chance you are going to be let down in these situations.

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