This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by jas 2 months, 2 weeks ago.
December 3, 2019 at 5:31 am #779758
Is there really such a thing as having sex too soon and that it scares the guy away?
Or is it just then never meant to be?December 3, 2019 at 7:02 am #779761
Depends on the motivation…December 3, 2019 at 8:27 am #779767
Can you sex someone into a relationship? No. So it makes me wonder why will delaying it be any different?
I’ve done sexual stuff with someone in 2 weeks. Ended up in a serious relationship. On the other hand, I’ve had someone send me a mere nude and she shot out of my system never to be thought of again the day after.
I could be wrong but this is what I believe currently: you hold off on sex because you want to avoid being used for it. Because the market is filled with men who want just sex, those who want a rship but need sex to realize they actually don’t, and then a very small sliver that want -and- are ready for a rship. And the easiest litmus test to figure out which is which is….. wait for it…… sex.
(the harder test is time, along with maybe 8 other factors to be wary of)December 3, 2019 at 11:50 am #779774
I think the general advice is wait until you are exclusive or had a convo about not dating others.
I get that advice but I don’t think i could agree to be exclusive without having had sex. I have a high sex drive and quite specific kinks so I kind of need to see what it’s like first.
I have tried both options but i think that if he is just in it for sex waiting doesn’t make a difference – he will bin you off regardless.
I’ve just gone exclusive with a man I had sex with on our first date. It was a risk to do that but my headspace was very much that if nothing progressed it was ok – if you are not ok with it potentially being a one off or a causal thing then hold off having sex.
It was a bit touch and go with my bf, although he deleted apps without any discussion about 2 weeks in (I didn’t!) – i felt him pull away about 3 weeks in so I took a big step back. Didn’t initiate, turned down dates that were mainly ones that were more about having sex then spending time together but kept our communication light and positive when i responded to his messages.
It happened to have paid off for me as he told me he missed me and stepped up his game with actual dates and communication But I had to be ok with it maybe not going anywhere and because I was and I kept busy with my life I guess he didn’t feel pressure and him locking down being exclusive was actually a (brilliant) surprise for me.
It’s really early days still so I’m not saying it’s all definitely going to work out but with some people you just kind of know if there is any scope for more and even with his pulling back it mostly felt quite easy.
So I guess I’m saying suss out where he is at before sex – is he wanting a relationship or just fun? If you decide to have sex early only do so if you are genuinely ok to walk away and not try and get the guy into a relationship through sexDecember 3, 2019 at 2:19 pm #779783
I guess I made the mistake. I dated a guy a for a little while, and didn’t feel the temperature quite enough. We were drunk as we had been to the same party and the next morning he was acting weird and said he wasn’t ready for a new relationship so quickly after his ex….
I just wonder if we hadn’t done it if we would still be dating :(December 3, 2019 at 2:26 pm #779786
If he is sincerely not over his ex i doubt it would have made a difference.December 3, 2019 at 4:30 pm #779810
this is clearly not about the sex, this guy is not over his exDecember 3, 2019 at 5:20 pm #779817
Yes that became clear to me :(
I know you never know with these kinds of things but is it likely that he will contact me in a few months when he is feeling better? Or was this just unfortunate timing :(December 4, 2019 at 5:43 am #779836
Move onDecember 4, 2019 at 7:24 am #779841
I know that. I just really wish things would be different!December 4, 2019 at 1:14 pm #779860
I have such self blame for ruining it :( How often to men come back when they ARE ready?December 4, 2019 at 1:43 pm #779861
I am going to be harsh so you get it. He is not coming back. He never really knew you to come back to. The bad news is he does not like you and does not want to date you – and we will never know if the sex was part of it.
The good news – it does not matter – this dude does not matter! You can lean in an learn to love you no matter what anyone else does. Stop abandoning yourself to this guy, stop abandoning yourself to self judgement. You can’t control him and all this rumination is doing is robbing you a joy now. You are doing this to yourself – not him. He was there for a moment, and then things changed and now – the future is yours. The more you focus on him, the less you are open to a guy who will stick around. If you want to act differently next time then do that, but forgive yourself and move on to someone betterDecember 4, 2019 at 8:41 pm #779903
T from NY
I don’t think this had anything to do with the sex. Or him liking you enough. He wasn’t in the headspace to be with you. It’s normal to have a few days of being disappointed! No emotions are wrong – just dwelling on them isn’t good for you. I have had crushes that didn’t work out. I was bummed. Then picked myself up and loved myself up.
Enjoy the memory of the sex (if it was good) and move yourself right along. The man for you won’t be mentioning his exDecember 4, 2019 at 8:53 pm #779904
Look Remy, guys are really simple. You were both drunk at a party and you had sex. That was just convenient, in the moment sex to him. Sorry. He’s now freaked that you think it was anything more and is making excuses why he isn’t interested in anything more. He didn’t sleep with you because he wanted anything other than a bit of fun. You don’t even know each other, so there was nothing to “ruin.” Sorry if that’s harsh but that’s the bottom line. Only sleep with a man if you can say that was fun and walk away with no expectation of ever hearing from him again, much less having a relationship. Sex can’t create a relationship so you really need to stop thinking you did anything wrong that “scared” him away.December 5, 2019 at 12:01 am #779908
Tanks for all your inputs. The reason I am so confused is because we did go out on a few dates and texted a lot so I thought we were a thingDecember 5, 2019 at 12:20 am #779909
A few dates and texting does not equal a thing. Until a man is your boyfriend, you should not be emotionally invested. He told you after a few dates, including sex that he is not available. Believe him and no need to put a meaning on it about you. You put the only meaningful opinion on you.December 6, 2019 at 12:00 pm #779976
You are obviously young and inexperienced so I’m going to give you the birds and the bees talk.
Men do not feel the same way about sex that woman do. They are the opposite due to the genetic differences in our hormones—X doesn’t equal Y! Men are driven by testosterone which is the driving force behind why men think about (and talk about) sex a lot, heck just standing in line at a grocery store and looking at a lady can conjure up all kinds of sexual thoughts, of which, they have these types of sexual thoughts throughout the day because of it. This is how men think, and you need to understand they think very differently than woman do on this subject.
Testosterone also allows men to become detached after sex because their hormones are depleted during the act of sex (woman’s increase) and at the end (after they ejaculate) have a compulsive need to “get away” so they can restore their hormones and get back to normal. This is why they can have sex with a different lady every day of the week without having any desire to see or be with her ever again. For a man, sex is an act, like when you’re super thirsty and drink a glass a water you feel satiated but have no desire to be in a relationship nor think about the water you consumed once you consumed it—its the same for men.
You are putting importance on sex because women release a cocktail of bonding hormones during sex which are the same hormones (oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine…aka ‘love hormones’) that bonds a woman to her newborn child—its very powerful stuff! You bonded through sex but all he did was attain a sexual release (quenched his thirst), and why you are in the situation you are in….essentially riding the ‘oxytocin train’ (hormonal rush).
Men bond with a woman within their mind, not their penis. There is something about *her* that makes his stomach flutter, puts a pep in his step, can’t stop thinking about her and is naturally drawn to her like a moth is to a flame. Whether you have sex or not doesn’t matter, although bad sex *could* be a viable factor of course but even the greatest sex is not what motivates a man to fall in love with a woman but it will motivate him to keep getting great sex until he finds the woman he does fall in love with! What motivates a man to fall in love is what I call the *IT* factor. Its not just based on the physical but the intangible in how she carries herself (talks, walks, laughs, looks at the world) that a man is drawn to and falls in love with—no amount of sex is going to make him fall in love if the woman doesn’t posses *IT*.
Moving forward remind yourself that a VG is a dime a dozen; every woman has them so never think your VG is more special or magical than another’s but that YOU (as a person) stand out and apart from all the other ladies in a man’s mind not because you know how to have sex, big whoop, but that you posses the *IT* factor and will only know you have *IT* when a man declares he’s in love with you.
In a nutshell…There’s a high level risk of rejection engaging in sex with a man especially when you don’t know where his heads at first. Is he playing the field (not interested in relationships); actively seeking a mate (ready to settle down); or in-between (ok single but if he met the right lady he would consider a relationship)? Your job is to attain this information first so to mitigate your risks before you engage in sex; whereas if a guy is crushing on you your risk of rejection will be much much lower than a guy who has zero desire to be in a relationship. If you offer sex to a man he will take it, no differently than if you offer candy to a child he will take it—-its as simple as that.December 6, 2019 at 6:49 pm #779991
You used your judgment but don’t be so hard yourself. Know that when you are dating see it as an ROI. what can you gain positively and how will it improve you life dating that person. Sex is a mature act