Really Upsetting Situation

I am sorry this happened to you. But I’m also gonna give you a real heads up. This guy can’t be all that genuine when he flip flops so much. Sure he probably does feel stretched thin. Who wouldn’t in his situation? But he has shown you, more than once, who he is, what he values. He’s shown that when he starts to get big feels, wants space, he cutsout. Generally a man in love would do nothing to jeopardize their woman’s happiness or risk losing her.

Don’t be fooled. He could be a kind guy, a guy who doesn’t want to hurt you, that tries hard, who recognizes you’re a high quality woman so wishes he felt the way he should. But that doesn’t mean he’s as into you as he should be. The way you deserve.

I agree with the other ladies here. Unfortunately it’s just not meant to be, no matter how lovely and fun he is. If he wanted a relationship, and was emotionally available for one, he’d make it work. When I met my bf he had been divorced several years; he was working a stressful job (50+ hours/week), his mom was ill (also with cancer), and he had joint custody of his young child with his ex wife. So he also had a lot on his plate. But he wanted me, so he made an effort- he made time to see me and take me out often, plan fun/interesting dates, etc. We had a strong connection and he pursued it. Never for a moment did I feel his interest wane, and he always made me feel like a priority. If a guy wants you, he will pursue you, it’s that simple. He wouldn’t risk losing you by being wishy-washy.

I agree with what T from NY said– he is probably a genuinely nice guy, and and genuinely thinks you’re a wonderful woman. But it sounds like he recognizes that (for whatever reason) his heart just isn’t truly in it. You said he’s been single 8 years– I assume he has been divorced 8 years? He hasn’t dated or had relationships since then? It sounds like he may not be emotionally available. At any rate, you shouldn’t let him string you along. You’ll just have to let this one go.

Lilian, I agree with Liz. He’s not emotionally available. That may even be the reason he got divorced in the first place rather than a result of the divorce! Anyway, emotionally unavailable people are usually the ones who 180 like that. If you’re not used to it, that’s good, because it means you usually don’t choose people who are unavailable like this. It’s crazy-making for sure but worth learning from if it happens. I’ve learned if you feel blind-sided by a partner who shows you who they are by doing a 180, listen. Wish them well and move on because it’s not you, it’s them. You can’t fix something you didn’t cause. He likely needs to commit to some therapy seriously for a while if he wants to deal with it (which he probably doesn’t or he wouldn’t have waited 8 years to address this problem even though he is obviously aware of it). Someone admitting they’ve had no relationships for several years and sabotage themselves rather than romantically attach is a huge red flag, and he’s done you a favor in telling you outright.

You guys are so right and everything you’re saying is making sense and settling my thoughts.

I do think it was an impulsive reaction due to tiredness/stress, I think he walk through my door and freaked out but having said that it doesn’t excuse him or change the situation.

My friends seem to think he will be in touch, particularly as he want to hug when he was leaving, lingered on my doorstep etc and I just waved him off… not in a nasty way, just a ‘I respect your choice’. I can hand on heart say I chose better for myself than someone who will leave me like that.

I just feel sad for him as I think he wanted something.