This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by T from NY 1 month, 4 weeks ago.
November 27, 2020 at 11:34 pm #827506
Hello all! This is hardly a pressing matter but something I’m just curious about what people may think about it. Over the summer I went out with a guy who I met online. We hung out a handful of times and had a blast each time. We are similar in age, each divorced, same number of kids, like the same music and sports teams, work in similar industries so it was just easy. After a few months I asked him what it was that he was looking for. He said he wasn’t looking for anything serious. So I was honest and said that while I enjoyed his company I was looking for something that had potential to become serious down the road – not a dead end highway. He said he was bummed but that he understood and we parted ways. From time to time he’d tag me in something innocuous on Instagram, comment on a story or send me a random snap. I ignored in large part with a “haha” here or a “100” there. Then two weeks ago we had a brief exchange over Instagram messenger and he texted me. After 2-3 mins of back and forth he said he was really glad we’ve remained in contact and asked if we could just be grown ups and grab a meal sometime. I said sure of course but I haven’t set anything up or reached out to him first (he’s texted every day or every other day since – and it’s been nice truthfully bc we do get on well) because it’s like why bother? He knows where I stand so.. what gives? Why do you think he’s back? I’m sure he’s just bored but thought I’d ask you all to weigh in bc I find it strange that he’d be initiating contact again with someone who he knows isn’t looking for the same thing.November 28, 2020 at 1:40 am #827518
I agree with your assessment that he’s bored. Maybe he thinks he can convince you to get into a casual arrangement with him. You’ll likely never know. If you’re looking for something serious, don’t waste your time with this guy.November 28, 2020 at 3:59 am #827535
Well, it seems he does like you as a person. That said, I suggest you get clarity on if anything has changed about what he is looking for before you meet. Honestly, the let’s be adults comment indicates he had not.
Be careful, anything you do here could be seen as understanding what you are getting into because he already told you. So you need to explicitly ask.
Something like this when he suggests the date: I like the idea of meeting, but we were not aligned on what we are looking for last time. Has something changed on your end?
Anything short of yes means he has not thought about it and most likely has not.
And next time, ask a man on the 3rd or 4th date what they are looking for.November 28, 2020 at 10:41 am #827591
T from NY
It’s a pandemic. Dating was difficult before that, let alone now. And I’m not trying to be negative – but we don’t have any idea how much he actually likes you – he may just be looking to get laid. Which is his right as an adult to whatever he’s looking for. But I agree with the example Tallspicy wrote or something very close to it.
Agree also that if he says anything short of I feel like I’m ready now with the right person etc – he’s still just looking for casual. If he said well I wouldn’t be opposed to that, I would like to just see where it goes etc – be very wary. Some men like to hint at they would be fine with a relationship, but they’re actually just saying the minimum they feel is truthful to hope it’s maximum enough for you to go forward. I would also make sure you let him lead, do not talk any more about it and let him SHOW you his investment. A man truly interested will show you he is.
Mod edit: Sorry, for some reason the spam filter acted up and didn’t let this post through. T had posted this a little earlier today.November 28, 2020 at 12:44 pm #827605
Sorry – that was a major typo on my part. After a few DATES not months, I asked what he was looking for. Sorry – I shouldn’t be posting so late in the evening it seems hahaha. You all have mirrored my exact thoughts so thanks. I may ask what he’s thinking if he brings up hanging out again but honestly I’ve put him in the “no potential” box at this point anyway.November 28, 2020 at 4:40 pm #827640
T from NY