Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › No Contact after texting after first date
This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Tallspicy 1 day, 19 hours ago.
Hi ladies, I’m a seasoned dater by now and I know what to do (lol but I still can overthink). It’s more like me chatting with you ladies a little bit.
I talked with a guy for like a week and we met for lunch the past Sunday. We have a lot in common, especially with similar passion and hobbies. He play guitar and keyboard as hobby and I am semi-pro singer (we both have tech jobs, and in late 30s). We had a great conversation for like 2.5 hours.
Later he texted me that he enjoyed talking to me and we should definitely practice some songs together for fun and I texted back it was great meeting him.
And he sent me a video of him playing keyboard and singing. I sent him a previous recording. Just a normal conversation like him praising my singing and I said I’m not as good as him with instruments, etc. Then he said he had to learn music theories and I tried to agree that I’m not good with theory either even I can be on key. Then he said it worked out well for me :). Then he said he had to go to bed for an early start and saying good night. It was 11:30PM. I just replied good night.
Then he never texted me after that, it’s been 4 days. I am a little confused…did I say anything that he thinks is self centered so he called it the night? Or he is just not interested?
I know we shouldn’t ask why but I can get insecure from time to time. Please understand, love
you only had one date with him. He thanked you for the date but didn’t really make any solid plans to see you again.
You can message him asking how was his week and go from there or just simply forget about him.
sometimes the date goes well. but still things don’t progress. I have gone on few dates which went well. but I never agreed to meet them again because I was pretty indifferent and didn’t see any kind of romantic liaison with them going ahead. Doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy the first meeting. these things happen you never know. you can send a casual text and see what happens. or just put him out of your mind.
Don’t beat yourself up! It sounds like you had a perfectly nice text conversation. If the guy was put off by anything you said, then he wasn’t that into you.
You just never know with these things. It was only one date. He’s probably dating other women and may have found someone he clicks with better.
I agree you could send a friendly casual text — just one — and see what happens. If he doesn’t reply with enthusiasm and set up another date, I’d let it go.
Thanks girls. No big deal. I wasn’t planning to text him again at all with or without this post. And he did mention I’m the first person he met in person after he switched to this specific app. So I didn’t expect much. Just thought the texting went fine after the meetup
I’ve had first dates that were awesome and either he disappeared fast like in your case or he just never contacted me again. Here’s what I know about men: they are great at being all in during the heat of the moment, meaning what they say at the time and then later, it’s like it never happened for them. That was fun, they think. And that’s all they feel about it and they’re done.
I learned to watch what they DO. Are they setting up another date? They meant it. If they just talk or disappear, for some reason it was only a passing thing to them. And that’s nothing to do with me. They aren’t really available, for some reason, when they act like this guy acted with you. So let me reassure you that you didn’t do or say anything wrong to that made him run. He wasn’t ever going to be there with you in the first place.
I go on first dates and then I lean back. If I liked him I make sure to say thanks for a great time, would love to see you again. Then he knows if he asks the answer is yes. Next move is his. I don’t care if he makes another move or not. A good first date is nothing more than a good time unless it’s followed up with an invitation to another date.
He’s a flake. He’s trying out different girls to hang out with. He is definitely soft ghosting you in his own “nice way,” but he should have been honest instead of leading you on. People like this is the worst, and I’m sorry you are going through that :-( I am here for you.
Do NOT message him (it shows your cards). Just relax and wait to see if he sets up a second date. If seven days go by from first date and he hasn’t set up a second date, he’s really not that in to you. But that’s OK because there’s many fish out there.
Dating will be a lot more fun if you don’t read anything into it and just be in the moment …like a guy.
Good afternoon Mel
I definitely identify as a man, and due to helping a close female friend (and having a little time on my hands), I find myself on this site.
All I’m going to say is ….. Wow.
Just – wow.
Some of the advice you’re getting is not the best, Mel.
Just for reference, I’m part of the older generation, I grew up with FOUR older sisters. Watching their lives unfold has taught me a lot. And gave me certain advantages. I knew how to talk to women from a young age.
But I’m going to be totally honest. I’m not here to trigger or upset the modern feminists amongst you, because honest objectivity can do that.
But Mel, if you like him, and you honestly believe that you have a chance of happiness with him, are you going to do NOTHING, and let that opportunity slide past?
It sounds like you both enjoyed the date. It sounds like you like him, and want to see him again. You wouldn’t be here looking for validation otherwise.
So, exactly what is stopping you from texting him?
Fear of rejection?
That feeling, should it happen, lasts for seconds.
Your happiness could last for years.
So text him. Nothing heavy. Just tell him (yes, do not ask him – TELL him) that, for example, you are free next Wednesday or Thursday, if he would like to see you again. That way, you’ve made it appear that you are busy or have options on the other days, even if you don’t. It also means that HE has to decide if he wants to see you, HE has to choose the day, and he has a finite time to answer. If he doesn’t answer, then you’ll know he’s not bothered.
But if he likes you too, he will, then it’s all good.
One of the biggest differences between men and women is that us men live and operate in the real world, while women tend to stay in their thoughts, feelings and imaginations.
He has NO IDEA what you’re thinking, any more than you know what he’s thinking. But it’s you who is here on this forum looking for assistance. I can only message you.
He cannot guess your thoughts. So tell him. He’s not a mind reader.
Don’t worry, you won’t come across as needy.
He won’t judge you. Men LOVE it when a woman makes even the tiniest move, because it’s such a rarity.
You’ll look in control of your life, ‘in demand’, and decisive.
I hope he likes you.
And if not, good luck in your future dating escapades.
OK Fozzie… since you’re male and an old school one, how about you enlighten us as to what a guy is thinking when he doesn’t contact a woman for days after the first time they’ve had sex??
In my book, it’s not my job to text a man who hasn’t contacted me after we’ve had sex to tell him when I’m free, AKA push him into another date. I’m very surprised you’d advise that with four sisters and you’re of an older generation. The advice from older generations is usually “let him contact you, don’t chase.” In the good old days, “girls don’t call boys.”
Before I learned not to have sex with a guy until we’d been seeing each other long enough to want to be exclusive and had had “the talk”, I figured out by painful trial and error that a guy who didn’t text or call me within 24-48 hours after sex wasn’t interested in me. He wanted sex and got what he wanted and boogied. If they came around after that it was only because they were bored, no other dates were working out and they wanted sex again. No exceptions. One guy who was interested, called 24 hours later to let me know he’d just been handed a huge project at work and was going to be tied up for a week but wanted to see me the week after (offered specific dates, times and activities for me to choose from), and didn’t want to go silent on me and have me think that he didn’t like me. (We dated for 9 months before he moved away and we decided we didn’t want long distance. We are still friends.) That’s what it looks like when they’re for real. There is no “busy” “sick” “grandma died” or any other BS excuse. Takes 10 seconds to text or a minute to call and talk, no matter how busy you are. Longer than 24 hours or 48 hours at most, and in my book the guy is toast. But better yet, just learn not to get yourself in this position, which I think the OP has done now.
Muppets give Awful advice…
There’s a sudden influx of people posting the similarly worded “he’s not a mindreader, contact him” and “you’re getting bad advice from other women here” and other odd comments.”One of the biggest differences between men and women is that us men live and operate in the real world, while women tend to stay in their thoughts, feelings and imaginations.” Not even remotely true, and kind of a ridiculous, irrelevant statement.
I suspect from the way it’s all worded, it’s the same person.
Thanks for your observations.
If you want some enlightenment, I can assist, as long as you are prepared to listen and think logically. You asked my advice, then, without a beat, told me what you want to hear.
I have never been a woman.
You (I assume) have never been a man.
The genders are very, very different.
I’m sure that if we both listen, we can help each other.
Firstly, the most important factor is this:
Women control sex.
I shall repeat this, just so that no one has any doubts.
If heterosexual sex happens, it’s because a woman wanted it, or allowed it, to happen.
Obviously there are occasional criminal cases where a ‘man’ will use force to get his way.
But, on the whole, a woman holds the cards, no matter what a man says, or does.
And, for most women, with that sexual engagement comes an emotional attachment.
So after the first sexual encounter, men KNOW that a woman generally has him on her mind. It isn’t anyone’s ‘job’ to get in touch first, or wait to be contacted. After all, up until that point, it’s usually the man who has done most of the work to get the relationship up and running.
If a woman wants a man to ‘chase’ her, she’ll only ever be viewed as recreational, and he probably won’t commit.
Ladies, most men are very simple.
If we like you, we like you. We have already pursued you just to get you out on a date’s. But even more chasing after sex? Er ….. no.
When women were more traditional, men pursued women, because we knew most young ladies were reasonably chaste.
These days, there seems to be very few traditional women left in the dating arena. So does a non traditional woman really deserve a man’s traditional values ?
Subsequently, is it really such a terrible idea to text first?
It is actually the best thing to do.
If a man has been lying about his intentions, simply to get you in the sack, you’ll know.
If he wants a committed relationship, you’ll know.
Then it’s up to you if the relationship has a chance to be real, or if he’s just an addition to the body count.
But here’s the thing. Women need to do their due diligence on a man BEFORE sex. It’s vital.
I’m sorry to say that the modern day casual sex/hook up culture is controlled by women.
Men can only have a one night stand if a woman says yes to sex. Otherwise, he’s going home with a hard on.
I’m not blaming, or being disrespectful. It’s just real world facts.
I fear that the ‘good old days’ are gone forever.
Riddle me this fozzie… why has every man who was my boyfriend either called or sent flowers (several men have done that) after we had sex the first time? Yeah, never ever call a man first after sex. Never. And always be clear sex is something you have as a committed activity where all perusing others completely stops.
But, I will throw you a bone… contacting after sex is way different than after a date. There is nothing wrong with the original poster suggesting getting together again. He either bites or he doesn’t. And let him lead from there.
Maybe you need to read my message.
You asked for some advice from a male perspective. You have it. I can’t be responsible for whether you agree or like it. The OP can take the advice, or don’t take the advice. It’s up to her.
As for yourself, I have no vested interest in your opinion either way.
But as I stated, objective honesty can often trigger.
You say that ‘Several’ men have called or sent flowers after you have engaged in the ‘committed’ activity of sex.
And you NEVER contact a man first thereafter.
That’s entirely your decision, you have to do whatever is best for you.
I did say, that if you make a man believe that you do not have an emotional attachment after sex, they will view you as ‘recreational’ and probably won’t commit.
Good talking with you.
I didn’t read everything you wrote, Fozzie, because it became obvious after a few sentences you were not going to give a direct answer to my question, just spout a bunch of double talk. You’re mistaking your points of view with “facts” and “objective honesty.” I think you’re the one triggered as you’re the one posting long-winded responses. Now I’m sure you’re the one posting recently under multiple names talking the same stuff which FYI is against the rules of the site. Write whatever you want – people here will start ignoring you pretty fast when they catch on that you’re only here to stroke your own ego and be a sh*t disturber. I’ve said all I’m going to say to you, and I won’t bother to read anything else you write, and no matter what name you use it will be apparent it’s you.
Sounds like a ‘Love Doc’ flunky…
Fozzie, I am not Angie baby, and I asked you zero questions. I stated that you should never call a man first after sex.
I love that you say your are objective as though your male opinion is fact and the women’s are emotional drivel. When unless you have scientific studies, your objective facts are rage same emotional drivel as everyone else’s.
I contact men first when they are consistent and committed. And only about 25% before. My contact is a reward for showing up consistently, not a lure to get them interested. They pull back during courtship, I pull further back. Not one man who has ever been my boyfriend did not lead.