Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Newlywed advice .. help
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 4 years, 2 months ago by
Raven.
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Stargirl
I got married over a year ago. It has been rough to say the least. Before marriage we were in an LDR, then lived together, then LDR again
We had a normal relationship w ups and downs and were overall super in love
But after marriage I have been struggling. He has a bad temper that was always there but seems to have gotten worse. He says he is just reacting to me provoking him but he is the only person in my life that I seem to cause these reactions to.
He yells almost every other day over little things like disrupting him while he’s in the bathroom, nagging him to do housework, etc. and he has always called me names like but says it’s a joke and now he has added to this saying I should wear lingerie in order to turn him on as I’m not sexy.
I know if he read this he would say I am taking things out of context but I really do not know how else to interpret what he tells me.
I think we may have a communication issue due to a language barrier but there are also many many good things about our relationship. He is very supporting, he definitely can be romantic and sweet and overall has a fairly realistic expectation for our daily lives together and building a future together. He can be an amazing listener and partner when he wants to be. He has excellent manners and is extremely handsome, the most handsome person I have ever been with.
I am 29 and I worry that I may have jumped into marriage without knowing him fully due to all the long distance although we dated for 3.5 years before marriage. And I do not know if things between us will improve. It is truly day by day. I tried therapy but he only came a handful of times as he works so late so mostly I went by myself and never really made any progress.
I also worry I am too old to start over, guys don’t want to date women in their 30s and frankly I am terrified of dating again and know how hard it can be. However I am not sure I can fix this relationship as every time I bring up issues in our relationship he says things are totally fine and says this is me overreacting due to lack long term relationship experience.
I feel confused because it’s true I only really dated one person before him so I am not sure if it is that my expectations are out of whack or we are just a bad match. I hope someone can help.Raven
How long did you live together before you married?
What type of language barrier?
Stargirl
We lived in the same town for ~1yr 8 months and in the same house for 6 months
English is not his 1st language he is from Spain and when we met he wasn’t totally fluent yet but now he’s pretty good
He literally just yelled at me again because I didn’t buy the iced tea that he likes and he was mad
I said he still had some bottles and he got even more mad and said just say sorry and shut up
Lol wtf…Raven
Sorry Stargirl,
He isn’t going to change & his behavior will get worse…
He really yelled at you over a bottle of tea?!Please cut your losses & separate-
PS: You’re not too old.
alia
You’re never too old to get out of an abusing relationship. Because before you know it he will be hitting you. Get your ducks in the row and leave ASAP.
Newbie
It does sound bad to me. At first i kind of assumed he shipped you over, but that doesnt seem like it, but still, no good
My man has a habit of blaming others. Its not his best treat really but he knows i wont put up with it. I give him the middle finger sort of speak and do it civil. Tell him to stop using you as a punching bag. Tell him what you dont like and go with thatShoshannah
Sounds bad to me too. I can’t imagine my partner yelling at me over anything, let alone some shopping that I didn’t do. “just say sorry and shut up” wtf, he’s talking to you like to some drinking buddy that he doesn’t like much. that, combined with complaining about you not being sexy enough, and overall law effort in addressing the issue… How do you cope with it? Do you have some support system, family and friends around? 29 is not old and there are plenty of men interested in women who are 30 and older. You may worry about children, I don’t know if you want children, but even so, you have plenty of time. I guess I would try talking to him again, some men suddenly turn capable of change when they realize that you really may walk. But since age is your worry, remember that the longer you stay, the older you will be when you finally decide to leave.
Anonymous
ATTN: ADMIN: I am posting this anonymously and am using my work email address because I’m afraid my husband will find it and there will be hell to pay. If this gets me banned – well, at least it’s in a good cause.
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Dear Stargirl,
For the love of all that is holy, get out.
Whenever my husband beat me, he said that it was because I “pushed his buttons” and that he had never hit a female other than me.
When he f*cked around on me, he said it was because I wasn’t interested in him. (His proof: I pulled away when he “caressed” my boobs. His version of “caress” was grabbing my boobs and twisting/squeezing so hard that it hurt beyond belief – and pain is not something that turns me on.)
(He also said that if I were going to accuse him of it, he might as well do it. (He had BEEN doing it for a couple of years at that point.)
Everytime we went anywhere, he would stare at every female in the place – even though I told him that it made me feel he was comparing me to them and finding me to be an unattractive loser.
He told me I was a bad mother more times than I can count – and that I was just like my mother (who beat my father and threw me out of a window when I was three – and that was just the tip of her abusive iceberg). He denies he ever did that, but it’s true.
He would look straight in my eyes and lie to me. He’d rather lie to me than tell the truth.
At 29 and with no pregnancies to ruin your body, you think you’re too old to start over? Please! Try being 65 and staying in a marriage because you had low self-esteem and didn’t want to raise your child in a divorced home.
Start over NOW – before you really ARE too old.
Stargirl
Thank you everyone
The problem is I am numb to it now. Yesterday he said I was the “r” word (Mentally challenged) because I was trying to open something with a knife and was struggling.
I confronted him about it tonight and he said it was because he freaked out because I was doing something dangerous and making him nervous. I said I think there are better ways to express yourself and what he said was unacceptable. No apology but he said he understand and it was an overreactionI say I numb to it because at the time I didn’t even flinch and was just thinking like I can’t believe he just said that but I am also not totally surprised and I didn’t even say anything in the moment.
Anyway I gave the feedback about his attitude and the yelling and he seems receptive but we will see if anything changes.
I think my hesitancy is also because when things are good he’s like my absolute dream guy and I feel so loved and spoiled and cared for by him. Then when he loses his temper again ultimately it’s like wow why do I put up with this?!
Maybe I will propose a trial separation or something but honestly I just would rather not keep going in cycles with someone I have doubts about for more years.
No he didn’t ship me anywhere I am from USA and he moved here for work and ultimately to marry me
I have friends and family near me but I don’t talk to anyone about this because it’s super embarrassing IMO that I am treated this way and if I don’t leave everyone will feel awkward around him. .Raven
Imagine the next 20 years with this…
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