Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Need some advice about my relationship
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 2 years, 3 months ago by
Maddie.
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Sylvia
Hi, I need some advice on this situation. I’m really sad about this. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and everything has been going great. He got laid off from his job 3 weeks ago and I noticed he’s been acting different. We are long distance but since he got laid off, he told me he is going to apply to jobs where I live so we can be close to each other. I was so excited about that and then when we were talking last night, he told me about a conversation with his sister and she lives where I do and she asked if he was going to be moving out here and he told her “no I’m not planning on it”. I felt like he lied to me and wasn’t honest with me and I caught him because he told his sister something different.
And then a few weeks ago, he asked me if I wanted to get married in a year and I said yes and I was so excited. Then, when we were talking last night, he told me he “doesn’t remember” telling me that. And when I asked him why he doesn’t remember or if he does and just doesn’t want that anymore, he couldn’t answer me. He literally just said “nothing I’m going to say right now is going to make this better. Let’s talk tomorrow”.
I am really hurt because I feel lied to and misled and feel like he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Ever since he lost his job, so many things have changed, and he doesn’t text me good morning anymore and doesn’t text me until 6 or 7 at night.
How do I handle this situation? I just don’t know how it can get better from here or how I can move on from him telling me this. I just don’t know if there’s anything he can say now that would make me feel any better and I’m starting to doubt our relationship.
Raven
You posted as Lily yesterday…
How did you meet & have you always been long distance?
Sylvia
We met on hinge and yes, we have but we’ve been able to see each other a lot and we alternate visiting each other and stay for 1-2 weeks each month.
Sylvia
I’m hesitant to post my real name on the internet haha. But thanks for the advice :)
Maddie
No one minds if you don’t use your real name, but the forum asks you to stay consistent with your name from post to post. Otherwise, it’s hard for people to get the full story with all the details and give back good advice. Or they may waste their own time thinking they’re answering 2 different people.
Unfortunately, what you are learning here is he is a boy when it comes to handling stress and problems. Job loss is a big deal, especially for men. It can screw with their sense of identity, they don’t feel like they are “winning” in life anymore, it’s a very difficult time. However, he’s showing you that he will turn away from you in those times instead of turning towards you. It’s best to work out big life problems as a team. Some men want to go into their caves first and withdraw a bit to deal with things on their own, but they’re supposed to come back afterwards if they’re still good partners. They’re not supposed to avoid talking about important relationship milestones, lead you on, say one thing then “forget,” or be totally inconsistent. Those are all red flags that he’s not ready for a serious relationship and will make a bad partner for you.
The biggest thing that makes me say that is after 8 months, there’s been no plan or even conversation really about how to shorten the distance. It’s just indefinite that you’re apart. You’re right that now would be a logical time for him to start applying for jobs near you if he really wanted to take the steps. Or to at least tell you he never wants to move, because that allows you to decide if you would be willing to move and if he’d be happy and escalate the commitment further if you did move. If the answers are no, you’d know to move on. He’s being unfair right now, and even if he doesn’t know what he wants in this moment, after 8 months he’s still handling himself very badly and being disrespectful to you.
At best, he’s trying to figure out what kind of future you want and is trying to ask you but is a terrible communicator. And at worst, he doesn’t know what he wants, he’s immature, he’s only comfortable with long distance because there’s so much built in space and he has commitment issues, and he’s terrible at facing stress and life problems. I think it’s very normal you aren’t sure how to move past this because it’s such a big red flag and he’s caused major trust issues by being inconsistent and untrustworthy in these half baked conversations about the future.
What do you want?
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