This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Liz Lemon 2 months, 2 weeks ago.
December 4, 2023 at 8:23 am #943188
I make quite a bit of money but I have noticed guys use me for it. It’s a recurring theme. I know I need to set a boundary. In past relationships I’ve paid for vacations, dinners, you name it. I started seeing another guy in October and he got into a tight spot. His story is that he’s a type 1 diabetic and ran out of money paying for insulin. I understand Lantus is pricey. So out of good faith and lack of healthy boundaries (and my old pattern) I sent him $200. I hated I repeated my old pattern. Last night he said he needed just $10 to get a Lyft to work. Should I keep seeing him until I get my boundaries firmer? Backstory, my ex was a narc and extorted quite a bit and I’m backpedaling on what I said I would never do again. It kind of makes me feel gross.December 4, 2023 at 9:51 am #943190
Do you tend to date men with very different earning potential than you? If so, why? Money isn’t everything by any means, but if you are able to take care of yourself, the men you date should bare minimum be able to take care of themselves as well. Then you can at least start from a place of being equals going into dating and building a relationship. Eliminate these power imbalances and opportunities to be taken advantage of right from the start by choosing men already on your level. Giving each other money and relying on each other comes later, after a relationship, serious intent, and mutual trust is firmly established and you’re at the point of starting to merge your lives because you’re on the same team. This never needs to happen with a person you’ve only known 6 weeks unless you’re getting something out of giving these guys money (for example, you may like being needed, and feel that being needed gives you a sense of purpose or power or fulfillment you’re not providing for yourself… or perhaps you believe if you’re financially needed it will keep them from leaving you in the future).
If you feel gross, listen to your instincts. They may be telling you this isn’t the guy for you, and that’s okay.December 4, 2023 at 10:01 am #943191
it is not your boundaries you need to work on , it is your self confidence. It is not something you can buy with money, you say your ex was narc. Narcissistic people tend to go for people they can easily manipulate – low self esteem, no boundaries etc. Boundaries are of course important too but you would never go out with a guy who has no money or a guy who is asking you for money if you felt like you deserve the world.
Don’t bother with this guy, he knows that you will pay, if you say no now he will leave you so make this your choice not his.December 4, 2023 at 12:37 pm #943192
Why would you want to keep dating someone who’s demonstrated within only a few weeks of dating that he’s broke/financially irresponsible and will mooch off you?? By the way, there are programs for someone who is low income/unemployed/in financial difficulty to get low cost or free insulin, don’t get sucked in by that one again.
Drop this guy immediately, stop dating for a while and with a counselor and work out why you can’t set boundaries, why you feel you have to caretake and why you’re so willing to part with your hard-earned money. Otherwise you will for sure attract this over and over again.December 5, 2023 at 5:43 pm #943195
Date men who have their finances together ans stop bailing out the ones that don’t. He is now going to use you as his personal ATM. Pull the plug on this one and learn from your mistakes.December 6, 2023 at 11:47 am #943201
This is 100% a you problem. You are choosing to date guys who are financially shaky and choosing to step in and fix their problems. You should ask yourself why you feel the need to do that.
I know someone who does similar things with guys she dates– she tends to date guys that earn a lot less than her, and is constantly paying for their dates/dinners, paying for their vacations, driving them around in her car because they don’t have one or have a crappy one…I’m not sure why she does it, I think she wants to feel the guys “need” her, or she thinks their dependence on her means they won’t dump her. The financial investment translates into emotional investment for her, she gets more emotionally invested in these guys than they do to her, because she’s spending all this money on them. It’s a very unhealthy dynamic because it’s not a partnership of equals in the sense that both people are bringing the same level of investment (literally) to the relationship. Anyway, you should take an honest look at yourself and ask yourself why you’re doing this, and break the pattern.