Man Confuses Me


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  • #792585 Reply

    Gaia

    Hi Everyone,
    I’ve never posted here before but I read these forums a lot. I’ve found there is a lot of good advice. So now I found myself in a situation where I need advice/guidance.

    I was seeing a really amazing guy for the past 5 months. In fact, I still think he’s pretty awesome even if he has left me confused right now. We started out just friendly having coffee together in Dec. after we connected on a dating site, then in Jan. he started asking me on real dates. Treated me better than most guys ever have in my life. He texts everyday. At the beginning would see me 2-3 times a week even if it was for 10 min to come plow my driveway or salt my driveway (that’s how I figured out he was interested in me). We got into a routine of a coffee night once a week and a date night either Fri/Sat after. Then quarantine happened. I honestly figured he’d fade completely. But instead we maintained a date night once a week even if it was getting coffee and ice cream or taking a drive. I rarely initiated contact and felt this man was really, really chasing me. He even sent me edible arrangements at work. I’ve never had a man do that before.

    Around Easter, he told me that he told his kids about me and what a good woman I was. This definitely gave me hope that he saw me as long-term not just a casual fling. About two weeks later I asked where we stood and he said he liked what we have and that it was easy and uncomplicated. He also said he wasn’t talking to any other girls (not that I asked he just offered that information). Then a week after my birthday he told me about 2 cookouts, one he was having and one he was invited to, neither of which I was invited to. It was just casually mentioned. It made me question whether he was serious about me at all. So I texted him asking, he said he made his intentions clear, doesn’t know what he wants, and that he really, really likes me, I’m one of the coolest, most amazing, special women he has ever met. I ran into him in person that night and asked him outright if we wanted similar things. He said he didn’t know and he might be making a huge mistake not knowing what he wants. I said, I hope he figures it out and wished him the best. I was sad but I know I can’t force a man into a relationship.

    My confusion though is that he keeps texting me every day still like everything is normal or we are just friends. I can’t wrap my head around it. Last week, he asked to bring my pie pan back to me and so I said I’d be home or he could leave it on my porch if I wasn’t there. I happened to be and it seemed to make him feel weird that I didn’t get up to hug him or act like a girlfriend. He was overly polite and was like “may I sit down” and when I said “be my guest” he just had small talk with me.

    I’m sorry this is long winded, but I can’t figure out if the man is still interested and really doesn’t know what he wants or if I was friend-zoned? I’d like to make him interested again on a romantic level but I don’t know if that is possible.

    Thanks and again, sorry for so long, I just wanted to give a clear idea plus it helps me process this.

    #792595 Reply

    T from NY

    I am so sorry this is happening. It really messes with your mind when a guy acts like your boyfriend, hints at it, then doesn’t follow through.

    I am here to tell you that when a man is being confusing you should always take a GIANT step back. Not to punish him, but to get in touch with your own heart. What is it that you really want? From your post it seems like you want him to be your boyfriend. He is telling you he likes you a lot but he DOESNT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS. I advise you to BELIEVE HIM.

    In summation right now you have a man who isn’t stepping up. Who’s only giving you the time, attention and recognition he chooses. He has a social event at his home that he does not invite you to after dating you for almost half a year. He expresses to you he’s afraid he might be making a mistake by not committing to you.

    My advice is to get clear about what you want. Then if it’s for him to make a decision and choose you – you must LET HIM GO. Not unkindly, but with affection and love. Say to him – “I have enjoyed every minute of the time we have spent together in the last 5 months. But I want to have a boyfriend and be in a committed relationship. It would be unfair to myself to stay with someone who doesn’t know what they want. So I’m going to let you go. If you have any major realizations about us, please feel free to contact me. I am not sure where I’ll be emotionally at that time, but I will always value the times that we shared.”

    It is not your job to figure out what might be holding him back. Or to make excuses for him. That’s HIS work. Don’t give him the benefit of access to you when he’s not meeting your needs or choosing you fully. I wish you the best.

    #792631 Reply

    Gaia

    Thanks T! I really appreciate the guidance and it’s where I was leaning. I was confronted with him out with another woman yesterday doing the same stuff he made me think was special and exclusive with me. I asked if it was someone new or if he had been seeing her the entire time he was with me. As we had been sleeping together and I honestly thought we were serious I felt I had a right to ask as I made clear from the moment we started sleeping together that I don’t do FWB relationships. I was told to “holy crap relax it was just a friend” and then saw a post from his brother on social media asking about his “hot coffee date” which was definitely not me. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together to get 4.

    I realize that I’m still hurt from him not wanting me and him being the man I thought I wanted. Jealousy is something I haven’t felt in a long time. I’m mad at myself for being way more invested that I wanted to believe. Between those things and feeling jealous I realize that I need to cut him off completely to do what’s best for me. I can’t do the just friends bit with the way my ego and feelings are bruised right now.

    Thanks for listening. It helps to write it out to process and I really do appreciate the advice/information given here.

    #792638 Reply

    Lane

    This is unfortunate in that I find that if a man goes into it dishonestly, they know its wrong in the back of their mind until they are forced to come clean because they know its really not right or fair for them to do that to a lady.

    If you cannot do the FWB thing, then don’t sleep with a man who is not your BF. This is what angers me the most about women today—they say one thing “I don’t do FWB” but then do the opposite by engaging in it. IF you had held off on the sex part, stood your ground, and not engaged in the very thing you said you didn’t want, you wouldn’t be in this position because he would have moved on to someone else.

    Its clear he’s *a player* and you got played. He’s onto his next victim, and she’ll end up in the same position you are. This is his MO, and its time you drop him like a hot skillet instead of sitting on the back burner with all the other ladies.

    #792641 Reply

    Gaia

    Lane-
    I did. It sucks getting played. And I’m ashamed I fell for the good guy routine and actually believed him when he told me he didn’t do the FWB thing either. That’s why I slept with him. But I realize he was probably playing me the entire time since we only had sex like 3 times in the entire relationship (I have 3 teenagers at home and my room is in the loft area of my house so no doors and he has 3 kids at home, one very young so I just thought it was a scheduling thing). As f’ed up as it is, I thought that was a good thing because it meant I was more than sex.

    Doesn’t matter at this point even if I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it. I’ve already dropped him. I’m too old to play these childish games with a man. It’s not worth my time.

    #792713 Reply

    tammy

    he was just enjoying spending time with you casually with the occasional sleepins. he likes you and the non committal easy peasy thing you guys had going. that’s all. he doesn’t seem to want anything serious and is happy hanging out and casually meeting women. you obviously want more. it happens. move on. do a slow fade and demote him to a casual friend status if you can. if you cant do that then its best you cut off all ties with him.

    #792740 Reply

    redcurleysue

    You want serious and he does not know what he wants. Time waster for you or any woman. Wave bye bye.

    #792835 Reply

    Gaia

    I’m really trying to step back and just accept that we don’t want the same things. I know I need to heal my heart because I feel like I got played. I don’t know if that’s his regular MO or not as my best friend pointed out to me since I wasn’t his girlfriend I had no right to be angry/upset about seeing him with another woman. She said it’s my ego that’s hurt. I admit that it is. I also admit that I thought it was a relationship so it hurts like hell that I let my heart get involved. I told myself this morning that I’m going to stop thinking about him and just accept he taught me a lot of things that I want/ don’t want and appreciate what we had while we had it.

    What I’m finding most strange though since I’ve stopped talking to him is that he keeps being in places where I have my normal routine. Today, he actually walked up to me in the local convenience store where I get my coffee every morning and was like “hey, how’s it going? what are you doing?” I gave him a strange look under my mask and said “umm fine, going to work” and he started saying “me too, I’m running late and…”
    I don’t know the rest because I walked away, paid for my stuff and went to work. Now I feel like I was rude but I really don’t know how to engage in small talk with him right now. We live in a small town so I know I should expect to run into him. But we’ve lived in the same area for last ten plus years and haven’t run into each other as much as this week. So I’m finding it strange.

    #792860 Reply

    Lane

    Believe it or not but its common for some men to do this when they stop something with a lady. They don’t want to keep you but they don’t want to lose you fully either, on the off-chance you might change your mind, and go with his NSA/FWB (no commitment) plan.

    Its not your job to figure him out. Its your job to protect your heart from men who don’t want you to possess theirs. This is why you need to be very skeptical of a man’s intentions as its most likely a case of lust/infatuation that doesn’t evolve or develop into love, which is much calmer (you know he loves you), and goes much deeper (progressive integration), than surface level stuff. My son (age 28) said it well when he told me he’s never been in love. Its not that he doesn’t want to, he actually does, its just that the initial infatuation never develops into love, after spending time with her, he just can’t envision or build a future with her in his head, and that’s when it ends, with him. This very well could have been him where he was infatuated but after some time wasn’t able to envision you as his wife (that’s a true commitment), so he didn’t take it further.

    Irregardless of why he ended it with you, its your job to set the standards, boundaries, and course for not only your personal life but dating life too. Always be highly skeptical of a man’s intentions until he makes it CLEAR he see’s you as his life partner; until then he’s just one of the many actors auditioning for a role that he may not qualify, or be qualified for as the leading man in your life. Dating takes a lot of willpower to not over-invest before the man makes an actual investment, and continues to invest without stopping even after your married. If a man can’t at least see or envision himself marrying you (true commitment) within a few months, its best to walk away.

    I had four men propose to me within six months of dating between the ages of 18 – 23. That’s the type of commitment you should look for, and a man you should stay in a relationship with, if that’s they type of relationship you’re looking for. I wasn’t looking for that type of commitment back then, as I was young, didn’t want to be *tied down* as I still had a lot I wanted to explore, so I turned them down, or didn’t go through with it after realizing I really wasn’t ready for, nor wanting it. If you don’t know where a man stands, that’s a tell-tale sign he doesn’t either, and not the one you want to hitch your wagon to, unless your prepared to go on a wild ride.

    #792898 Reply

    T from NY

    I’m so sorry you live in a small town and you’re gonna have to run into this asshat. It will hurt for quite awhile and you’ll get through it. Although I agree that it might have been smarter for you to try and find out exactly what was going on in the relationship while it was happening – I’m not sure if this man would have been honest even if you brought it up. Not because he’s a liar per se – but because a lot of men rarely take the time to ask themselves how they’re feeling or where a relationship is going – they just go with the flow and what feels good. But I think this is where men can improve because good men KNOW women ARE wondering what is up. And they KNOW women usually want eventual commitment. You thought things were progressing organically and I think you have every right to think that, and to now be upset. There are spoken and unspoken contracts in every relationship and this man acted like he wanted to be your boyfriend and led you to believe with his actions that he felt that way.

    I also believe men sometimes meet an amazing, high-quality woman and so “try on” acting like their boyfriend but then – when the feelings don’t follow – they don’t know what to do or say because they are cowardly and don’t want to hurt you, OR they just keep acting the same – although their heart isn’t in it – so they don’t lose the companionship, ego stroke or sex.

    Of course you have a right to be upset. He meant something to you and you hoped he would be your realllll boyfriend. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Good for you refusing to engage in small talk that would just make him feel better about not being an upfront guy. I’m glad you didn’t coddle him. I strongly recommend consistent zero contact. No contact is for YOU. To grieve, and heal until you feel stronger. Don’t listen to anyone that says you shouldn’t be crying or disappointed. Although you won’t let a “situationship” last that long next time without clarity, he had his part in this too. Tend to you – you’ll be fine.

    #792906 Reply

    Gaia

    Thank you for the responses and help through this. I am hurt but I will get through it. I have an awesome, amazing life that is full with things I love and good friends so it’s not devastating to me. It just caught me off guard because I really, really did think this was a normal, progressing relationship. His actions all indicated that it was and in the beginning he was really good about making me feel secure with the progression because his words and actions matched up. That’s the weirdest part about this and why I feel a bit duped.

    As sad as I am about it, I’m the one who brought it to an end by asking where we stood or were going. Not meeting his friends or family in the 5 month time frame was an eye opener and made me start questioning if he was the right fit for me. In fact, I told him exactly that a few weeks ago. I do think interactions with family/friends say a lot about the person you are so having not seen him in those scenarios I wasn’t sure he would be a good fit for me. I knew how he interacted in public and with the community (he’s a firefighter) but not on a more personal level. Hindsight makes me wonder if it was because this is a regular theme for him but that could just be coming from a place of hurt.

    I actually called it a “situationship” to my sister this morning and said I was not going to allow myself to be fooled into one again. She’s actually a little upset with the guy because she defended him to me and told me to look his way in the first place.

    Thank you for not saying I was rude by walking away. It was so strange the way it happened. I just couldn’t deal with it. Might not have been so bad if it was like from the other side of the coffee island but he literally was within kissing distance when he walked up to me and started talking. I’ll be polite and walk away. I do wish him nothing but the best. As much as I really want to call him names I do think he is a decent human and deserves whatever he is looking for when/if he figures it out.

    No contact is hard but each day it gets a little easier. It’s very weird to go from texting every day to not at all. It’s like I lost a friend and lover in one so it feels like mourning but stranger because he’s still alive. Like today, I got a raise at work and he was the first one I wanted to tell about it but I’m not going to de-value myself like that.

    Not sure I’m making any sense but this has been a great thread helping me work through the breakup of this situationship. Thank you all for the words of wisdom! Also, it has prevented me from engaging in my petty side which wanted to mail him glitter bombs lol

    #792915 Reply

    Newbie

    Did someone say glitterbombs? Lol im so curious what they are and used how to punish.
    You clearly sound like a smart woman so your learning curve is quite steep in this case. Yeah its amazing how we can get duped. The sad thing about it is, in some cases you cant know. Some people think that if you are not commited you have no right to feel duped. I strongly disagree unless its been said loud and clear a guy wants nsa. This is not the case. He implied he was in. What else can you do then to go along? So after a while your instincts kicked in and they were right. Anyway, im very sorry for you especially since the guy still seems to be clueless. But you will get over it

    #792929 Reply

    Gaia

    Newbie- Glitter bombs are balls of glitter that you can send anonymously in the mail as a gag gift. Since glitter gets everywhere some would see it as a punishment. It was just a brief thought, however, I know the guys sense of humor and he’d probably laugh about it and like the attention even if it is negative attention. So sending glitter bombs or bags of gummy d*cks are out (yes, you can send those anonymously too).

    As for the rest, yeah I feel like things would have been different if I had known he wanted only casual dating. I can’t change it though and all I can do is appreciate the good that came out it.

    #794022 Reply

    T from NY

    I’m glad this thread has helped you and love the talk of glitter bombs (although that seems mild punishment to me after some of the stunts he pulled not getting off the pot so to speak) But anyway… I just wanted to point out for your future interactions with other men – just because this guy didn’t choose to get serious with you didn’t mean he’s only into casual dating. That might be the case, but it may not. I don’t want to add on while you’re hurting – but I think we as women have to internalize that men can think we’re awesome and try really hard, and sometimes the final push of feelings or motivation to give up their freedom to one woman just doesn’t materialize. I don’t know if that’s what happened here or he’s just a huge player. But either way — a man that hasn’t made you his girlfriend by 8-10 weeks, most likely won’t. And if the subject comes up around that mark and the guy isn’t ready – another month is about the MAX to give or let them go to figure it out.

    What you have every right to grieve is that he wasn’t too “decent of a human” allowing you to believe your connection was so close you were the only one or that he was progressing with you even if slowly. I believe men know pretty quickly. So just sayin – finding just a small amount of that righteous indignation is healthy I think. But mostly tending to you HOWEVER messy that looks like with your no contact zealousness. We are rooting for you.

    #794037 Reply

    Gaia

    I’m keeping all this in mind for future interactions with men. And I do feel some righteousness indignation toward him. The feelings are still messy, one moment sad, one where I’m missing something, one where I’m angry, one where I hope he comes back in a week saying he was stupid and I was the most amazing thing to happen to him. Im pretty sure it’s normal to feel all these. I wish it was that easy to say he just wasn’t into me, but those were definitely not the vibes I was getting. And that ticks me off for making me question my own intuition. So, I’m focusing on the things that make me happy, doing stuff I enjoy and spending time with my close friends. I have 2 close women friends and both are moving to other states so it’s like a triple whammy in the past week. I’m really trying not to dwell and just enjoy my people while they are still here.

    #794038 Reply

    Gaia

    And glitter bombs are still not completely nixed yet 😂

    #794043 Reply

    Newbie

    There is one thing in your interactions i picked up on earlier but forgot to mention. In your timeline you dated 5 months so roughly Jan-may. Around easter he told his kids about you. Two weeks later you asked where he stood. Then you heard about the cookouts you asked again and after that you ran into him and asked again. Af that moment he said he wasnt sure. In your original post you dont mention the other dates he had but in the follow up you added he saw someone doing what you and he were doing (probably cooking) and you asked if you knew her for a long time already. And when was the hot coffee date?
    I cant put my finger on it, but asking over and over what his intentions are doesnt exactly comes acros as secure. Why was that? Insecurity or you felt he wasnt all in? And are you officially over now? That part is also unclear to me.
    Im not trying to confuse you here but i read other responses and was strongly guided by them thinking he was leading you on. But it could also been your own insecurity that set this in motion in case there was nothing going on with the other women. He told his kids about you. For most man that would mean he is serious. At this session you could have made it clear to both of you if that meant you were a couple now. But i guess that talk didnt happen. Because you had to ask and ask and ask. Im curious because you can maybe learn from it next time in making things clear by asking more thorough. So you dont have to keep looking for reassurance the weeks after.
    Maybe i misunderstood the timeline but i do think you need to work on communication (to get answers) and security and not satisfied with half answers. Im saying all this with the best intentions

    #794047 Reply

    Gaia

    Friendly since Dec. then dating in Jan. to two weeks ago I guess. I thought him mentioning me to his kids was another positive sign but then the dates started tapering off to an hour a week. I’d still hear from him daily but it felt off so I asked if we were heading somewhere. That’s when he said he liked what we had because it was easy and uncomplicated and that he wasn’t talking to other girls nor was he having coffee and ice cream with anyone but me. I tried to accept that, but the following week on our coffee date he mentioned all his cookouts and it really threw me off. I also told him on this same convoy that my people were hoping to meet him like my mom and friends. He straight out said he didn’t want to meet my mom because were old so we shouldn’t have to do that. That nagged at me and so that week I asked point blank via text where we stood and he responded that he didn’t know what he wanted, made his intentions clear (I’m saying solid no after rereading texts and going through convos in my head), that he wasn’t using me, he really, really liked me and that I was an amazing special woman and that he didn’t want to hold me back from a committed relationship. I ran into him that night and said, so I guess we don’t want the same things. He said he didn’t know what he wanted and that he was probably too stupid to figure it out. I said I hope you figure it out, kissed his cheek and left. All that week he was blowing up my phone with texts, memes, and normal convo and then he made plans to bring my pie pan back which he only wanted to drop off if i was home. Even though i told him he could just leave it on my porch table. It felt weird because i decided not to treat him like a girlfriend would since he doesnt know what he wants. Two days later I ran into him having coffee and ice cream with another woman whom he did say was just a friend but I have a hard time believing because she hadn’t been mentioned in 5 months. My ego is hurt because either he moved on really quick or she had already been in the picture and maybe others idk. My last response to him was yeah, OK apparently I was just a friend for the past 5 months too. Maybe not the best response but I’m pissed that all signs pointed to more and that’s what I felt at that moment. He hasn’t messaged me since nor I him. This past week I’ve run into him several times the last being when I felt rude by just walking away when I was getting my coffee. His behavior was confusing but it’s not for me to figure out. Maybe I was a bit insecure in asking where we stood but for five months we moved at his pace and I felt it was time for him to give a little at mine.

    Hope that helps with the timeline for you. Right now, I’m not in contact with him at all. No social media either.

    #794048 Reply

    Gaia

    Also not sure if this matters or not but he said about 2-3 months in that he loved that I wasn’t like other women because I wasn’t needy or clingy. Around the same time he would tell me things like he couldn’t get me out of his head and that at random times he would think about me and that being around me made his face hurt because he was always smiling. It’s why I’m thrown off by the whole situation.

    #794062 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah i understand how this happened more. I was also asking because at some point you want to date again and to see if you let things unnoticed. A lot of relationship fall flat after 3 months and have to do with the guy really making up his mind. From what you describe he had the talk with his kids (and saying you are a good woman i felt was a bit strange) and then realized it wasnt it. If you Google 7 steps or stage a guy falls in love, you will notice the pattern.
    Anyway, take care. You will get back on track no doubt about that. And no glitter balls

    #794065 Reply

    Lane

    I know you are hurting, and feel blindsided but trust me, there was nothing you could have done or said to scare a man off if he’s fallen in love with you! He likes the *idea* of love but it doesn’t sound like he’s in the right headspace (frame of mind) to go there yet. He will, in time, and this probably isn’t the right time for him.

    My BF did the same thing yours did. Romantically swept me off my feet but the difference is, I only wanted ‘casual’ as I was too busy running my business to get enmeshed in a relationship, so our temporary fling worked great for me. It ended, we went on our merry way, and never expected to see him again. Nine months later he popped back in, as the ship he worked on needed some more re-work (how we met). I was very hesitant to re-engage again as he consumed too much of my time, the last time, and my business suffered for it. However, I agreed to see him again after some prodding from my employees, who knew him, and it was like the 9 month gap never happened—we just slipped right back into what we had the last time. I again KNEW it was “temporary” going in, we would have some fun time, and we would go on our merry way again.

    It didn’t happen. He started saying the OPPOSITE of what he did the last time, I however didn’t buy into it, and kept my emotions in check because again, I knew the flowery words were fake, like the last time, so just ignored them. He sailed away again a few months later but this time he kept contacting me, sent me a “love song” where I point blank asked him what the hell he wanted, and his response was “I want you!” I then reminded him of the things he said the first time but he told me “I was in a different headspace back then, I had a lot of financial issues going on (which I knew about), and not in a position to start a relationship. My life is now sorted out, and I want you to be in it.” He immediately planned for me to meet his family after that, and then threw out the “my girlfriend” to see how I reacted to it lol—that was over 3.5 years ago. When I sell my business (darn Covid!) we will be taking the next major step in our relationship (commitment), as we chose the location, and house together, and now its just a matter of me moving into it full-time.

    What I’m trying to say is that a man needs to be in a certain *mindset* in order to move forward. If his life isn’t in a place where he can give 100% to a relationship, then he can’t get there. This is why you need to find out what his life really looks like: Is he having any financial hardships? Personal issues (work, kids, ex, family)? Juggling too many balls in the air (plate is full)? Time is limited? These are big indicators that he won’t be in a position to progress/move forward. He may want to but they are holding him back too, if that makes sense. Something to keep an eye out for, and also not give a man who is not your BF so much of your time. When single (mot a man’s GF), continue to meet, and date others that way if one egg breaks (like this one) you have others in the basket that you are still getting to know, spending time with, and might actually find a better egg :o)

    #794070 Reply

    Gaia

    Thanks Lane! In an odd way your story gives me hope. I’m not sitting around pining for him. Like I said, I have a full amazing life prior to him being in it. In the beginning I was very skeptical of him. It wasnt until he kept coming around during the pandemic that I let my guard down because it seemed he might be serious. Plus, he had all the qualities I was looking for in a man. I had been regularly dating prior to him and on dating sites but he was the first to make it past date three and then was consistent with words and actions up until 2 weeks ago. You might be right about his headspace though. His oldest daughter got her first job, is learning to drive, he’s going for a better position in the company he works for and he’s got fire practice and dive practice stuff picking up. So it could be that or when push came to shove he realized I wasn’t it for him. I don’t know. I miss him and little things keep making me think of him but it’s only been a week since I stopped communication with him. These things are probably normal. I went back on dating sites at least to get an ego boost. I know he’s not the only man out there. But man, it sucks that he met a majority of my standards and I still feel blindsided.

    #794109 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    It’s normal to miss him, it takes time to get over a disappointment like this. You’ve gotten some really good advice here and I’m sure you’ll get over it and be OK. You seem to have a great head on your shoulders. I’m sorry he was such an a$$ and led you on for months but you will learn from this and move on. I think you did the right thing by not engaging with him in a friendly way when getting coffee. It will just mess with your head to be friends with him (especially if he’s dating other women). You need time and space to heal.

    One thing that struck me in this thread is that you only had sex 3 times during the 5 months you were dating. I understand the situation is complicated with both of you being parents, but still. Aren’t his kids with their mom at times? You couldn’t do it at his house when his kids weren’t there? It’s just my personal opinion but I think if a guy is really feeling “it” with you, he will do what it takes to have intimate time alone with his woman. And if he feels an emotional attachment to you, the sex will bond him to you further. So I’m wondering if this guy wasn’t really feeling “it” with you but enjoyed your company so didn’t want to stop seeing you, although he was clearly not ready to commit to you either.

    Of course there are guys who just want sex, and you want to avoid those guys, but I would raise my eyebrows at dating a healthy man who did not want regular sex. I’ve been in that situation, and something was always wrong in the background. A guy who is into you, who feels “it” with you, wants to sleep with you. If it means arranging custody schedules and squeezing it in when the kids aren’t around, so be it. When I first started dating my bf (we’re both in our 40s, divorced, with one kid each), and we started sleeping together, we couldn’t get enough of each other- we were doing it 3x a week. This is just my personal opinion, of course, but my future advice would be to be wary of a guy who isn’t into you sexually. At the very least I would definitely question the lack of interest. It shows there is some kind of disconnect or some other issue (and like I said, I’ve been there).

    #794110 Reply

    Gaia

    Liz-
    I didn’t think it was that odd. There was a lot of sexual tension almost all the time. He has his kids full time and they never see their mother. She has nothing to do with them at all. I have teens and they have the bedrooms with closed doors not me. Plus, I rarely bring men that I’m dating. The only way we could ‘schedule’ it was when all my kids were gone. And I waited to sleep with him. Maybe, he thought it was bad? or he didn’t like the way I sent him home the last time we had sex (TMI but it was a slap on the ass with a ‘good game’ comment and that he could go home, timing was impeccable because his fire alarm went off right after) although he seemed to think it was hilarious. It could be he just wanted to be friends and not more. If I didn’t feel like I was romanced, pursued/chased, and feel the sexual tension between us I could understand that but I felt those things and most things he said to me made me think he thought I was a woman to be treated well with respect and that it was a naturally evolving relationship. Not hot fiery passion that burns out quick but like a soft gentle growing love/relationship. I worried about the bonding effect between us because I know men bond through activities and we hadn’t been doing many things together because of quarantine and sex was difficult without scheduling and I know that takes the fun out of it. I really don’t know. It could be a variety of things/reasons. I can’t worry about that. If he’s not feeling it, he’s not feeling it. He’s well aware of how to contact me if anything changes on his end. Right at this moment my plan is following the no contact rule to get myself to my emotions about him under control. Maybe after I can be friends with him or maybe I’ll decide I don’t even want him as that.

    #794111 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    That’s too bad about his kids’ mom! So he is definitely a single dad with his hands full, if he never gets a break. I had just assumed he shared custody. And I don’t blame you for not bringing him home for overnights with your kids there. It sounds like it was hard to get any alone time at all for sex. I don’t think scheduling it is necessary a bad thing, for people with kids it’s the only way sometimes.

    Bottom line, you will most likely never know what exactly was going on in his head. Like you said, if he’s not feeling it, he’s just not feeling it. It really sucks that everything seemed to be progressing so well and he pulled the rug out from under you. I’m sorry about that. I think no contact is the way to go. You should take care of you, at this point. Later on you can decide if you want anything to do with him.

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