Is it time to break up


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Is it time to break up

This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #939600 Reply

    Misty

    I love my boyfriend so much . This is a situation I feel where I have to ask myself “is Love enough” or is it time to move on

    6 years together and in our early/mid 30’s. We own a house together . We are not married and I am ok with that. What I am starting to not be ok with , is our lack of progress in trying to have a family . The things I love about him;
    I can trust him , he is a genuine good guy with a good heart , he is fun , easy to be around , non judgemental , all the qualities that make me want to be better human being . These are issues in our relarionship

    1. He’s very unsure of what he wants in life . For the past 6 years he has said he wants to leave his job , but he still hasn’t . He doesn’t know what he wants to do next . I have tried to be the supportive girlfriend and listen to him , give some ideas , prompt him to think more about options . But he’s still there and he gets depressed about it . Some weeks he will be grumpy, withdrawn, snappy , and rude – and I know it’s because he had a bad day / week at work . It’s always taken out on me and I try to not take it personal . But when I do so much for him it’s offensive when he takes out his crap day on me . I feel that his uncertainty about his job makes him become incertan about everything – about our future , about us , about where he wants to live . Meanwhile I am here , knowing that I want him only , I want kids , I want to build a future with him. And I am waiting for him to show me it too.
    2. He doesn’t show his love for me. I know deep down he loves me. But I don’t see him show it . I don’t ask for much , but it’s the little things that he doesn’t do . Like help me when I cook dinner , buy me gifts or something from the shop etc . I think that quality time is his love language as he always gets affectionate when we go away on holidays , but when we Return – the romance goes. He never compliments me . I get told by my colleagues , friends etc , that I’m pretty , have a good body etc but I never hear this from him. On the other hand , he fishes for compliments – asks if his hair looks good, if he’s lost weight , if his shirt suits him etc
    3. He never asks about my day , and when he does I don’t think he even cares to teally listen . I feel that I am always listening to him and he never asks about me , what I did in the day , etc . It’s always about him .majority of the time. I don’t think he even realises what my job entails day to day .
    4. We don’t have sex . We’ve done it about 5 times this year . And I’ve tried to initiate but he’s always too tired , because of work and sports . I’m wanting to have a baby and how are we supposed to when we rarely have sex. I’ve talked to him about it but he doesn’t really try . I’m scared I’m going to loose my opportunity to have children . Every single month I check the day I will be ovulating and then get so anxious about how I can try to have sex with him. He’s said a couple of times when we’ve argued that he doesn’t find me sexually attractive anymore . I don’t know what else to do – I look after myself , eat well , and dress well . I don’t know if this is him being defensive because he has a low sex drive maybe . I’ve always been the initiator of sex 98% of the time in the early days when we were doing it often

    I’m not perfect either . Where I have done wrong in this relationship is putting his needs before my own . Not doing my own hobbies . I feel like I’ve become boring . Just cleaning , cooking , working , going to gym . Is all I do . With the ocassional spending time with friends. I am working on getting back to putting me first , but also I am trying to decide if I should stay in this relationship . We’ve talked about having a break a few times , and he gets tearful and I cry and then we never follow through . But it’s feels that we are going no where :(

    #939601 Reply

    Misty

    I would also like to add he takes me for granted. Sometimes I try to think it’s because my love language is acts of service and his isnt ? Well I cook dinner every night , do the groceries , clean the house , fold his clothes , wash his clothes , walk the dog . When he gets back from work he gets to relax , be fed , not clean up after . And play on his phone . He does help sometimes and will vacuum and do washing or clean kitchen – he does it well but only about 10% compared to me . I do ask him to help and he will do it when asked . He gets annoyed at me if there is not much food in the cupboard . And we’ve had so many arguments because I will respond that I’m not his mother and he can make himself his own food sometimes . He doesn’t mean any harm . I think he was brought up getting his own way all the time . He’s siblings joke that his mum did everything for him as he is the youngest , and I can see it now in his actions.

    #939602 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this way? With a guy who’s uninterested in sex, doesn’t show love or affection for you, doesn’t ask you about your day or demonstrate an interest in your life, takes you for granted, and doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life?

    I understand breaking up is hard, really hard. Especially when you’ve invested years in the relationship and have a house together. But from what you’ve written, your relationship sounds extremely unsatisfying.

    Why are you with this guy? Honest question. I know you said he’s good hearted, fun etc, but lots of guys are good hearted and fun. It takes more than that to be a good partner. What are you getting out of this relationship?

    #939603 Reply

    Misty

    Yeah , you are right .
    I have been asking myself the same question . I’m not really getting anything out of the relationship except for being with a good person who I can trust and who I’m attracted to . What is a relationship supposed to be like after 6 years ? I actually don’t know . I’m struggling to answer that question, but when things are good he makes me happy by just being with him .

    #939604 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I’m not an authority on relationships by any means. But I’ve been with my bf for 5 years. He’s by no means perfect, but he makes me feel cherished- there’s no other word for it. He’s attentive to what I say and do, he’s affectionate and loving, he’s generous, he cooks for me, he cleans because he’s an adult who’s responsible for the house. We’re honestly best friends, we can talk for hours and spend multiple full days together without getting bored or tired of each other. We tease each other and flirt. I find him interesting, I truly do. He says stuff that makes me think, he shows me cool new things/ideas, he makes me laugh. He’s great with my son (who’s a university student), gives him advice, jokes with him, treats him like his own.

    Of course, he can get on my nerves too- he can be stubborn, he’s more cautious/reserved while I’m more impulsive/spontaneous, sometimes I find him too uptight and rigid compared to me! But that stuff pales in comparison to his good qualities.

    I will add, we’re both in our 40s and divorced with one child each. I think the fact that we were both married before helps the relationship– we learned from our divorces. And there’s no pressure on us to have children, so we’re together because we truly want to be, not because anyone’s biological clock is ticking (which I think may be the case for you?)

    My point with all this is, there’s more to being in a relationship than just being with a good person you can trust. You deserve to feel loved and cherished. You deserve a partner who is your best friend. You deserve a partner who will contribute 50% to the household. What if you have a child with this man? You’ll be doing all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare.

    #939608 Reply

    AngieBaby

    First of all, stop trying to have a baby with him. Bad idea for a lot of reasons.

    You’re allowing him to under function by over functioning. He is not acting like a man, he’s acting like a boy and in six years he isn’t growing up and stepping up to the plate for himself or for you.

    The way you ask the question says all – you KNOW it’s time to end this relationship. Permission granted.

    #939611 Reply

    Misty

    Thanks yes true and harsh reality. Any suggestions how to do this while owning a house together . It will take some time to sort out logistics, financial side of things .

    #939613 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Either one of you can buy out the other’s share or you can put the house up for sale and split the proceeds 50/50. Talk with a lawyer.

    If it’s at all possible to leave once you tell him the relationship is over that would be ideal. Even if it’s for a little while. There needs to be some space.

    How do you think he will take it when you tell him you want to end things? Will he get angry? Will he promise to change? Or do you think he might be OK with it?

    This is not going to be easy, I’m sorry to say. But if you don’t take control of your life, you will be out of time to have children and will have lost a lot of time you can never get back.

    Love is great, but it isn’t enough to sustain a long term relationship if you don’t have common values and goals.

    #939615 Reply

    Misty

    Thanks for the advice everyone. We’ve argued so much particularly in the last 6 months , and it always ends in a conversation about breaking up or threats to break up . So I think he will be ok and agree . I feel we both know it’s the right thing to do but too afraid. I think I might go stay with a friend for a bit and then sort out the house. It kills me that I’ve wasted my time but I guess that’s life

    #939617 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    It sounds like you both know it needs to happen, if you’re arguing and threatening to break up constantly. I’m sorry, it sucks!

    At least you figured it out now while you’re still young and have time to meet someone else to have children. I have a friend that stayed in bad relationships too long, is in her late 40s now, and just married a guy she’s crazy about. But it’s too late for her to have kids now. She regrets it.

    Don’t think of the time you spent as wasted– look at it as a learning experience. In your next relationship you’ll know what you don’t want. And you won’t stay with the wrong guy just because he’s nice and fun.

    #939618 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Always date men who have a clear vision of their future and purpose and are working on, dating anyone else turns you into a mother and therapist and not a girlfriend or wife.

    #939620 Reply

    Maddie

    I want to echo what the others have said. Do not have kids with this man. I think he’s not having sex with you in part to avoid that outcome, which in this case is really doing you a favor.

    I also want to reiterate what Liz said, which is do not consider this wasted time. It will take time to mourn and get over the relationship for sure, but when you’re ready for your next steps and future dating, you will know what you want, what works for you, what doesn’t, and you can develop better conflict resolution skills (after experiencing what didn’t work in this relationship). This will not only allow you to find a better match, but will allow you to show up as a better partner too. Better partner doesn’t mean overfunctioning and doing everything for the other person, it means striking a healthy balance, not settling for less than you deserve, and taking care of yourself so you can show up better for others. Putting your own airplane oxygen mask on first so you’re available to help others, so to speak. This may involve getting more comfortable with a partner who naturally shows up for you, too, instead of feeling like you need to do everything.

    My husband and I have a really good relationship so far in no small part due to all we learned from our past relationships that didn’t work (and I had many, many crappy ones before I met him!). I stayed in some way too long and that does put more stress on family planning, but I have no regrets about it all putting me on the path to end up with the right person instead of having kids with the wrong one.

    Change is hard, especially after 6 years, but people tend to grow a lot between their mid 20s and their 30s, and you both did not grow together. That is okay, you don’t have to feel bad for knowing what you want, telling him, and then deciding the relationship didn’t work after giving it plenty of time and opportunity to be different. He will probably be upset about a breakup, because of course he cares about you, but stay strong by keeping in mind that you do everything for him and a breakup means he needs to either start doing things for himself and face himself and whatever indecision or even depression he might have, or he has to find another woman to do everything for him. Either of those requires effort, so it is certainly easier for him to not want any change in his life. It is very mature of you to recognize that love isn’t always enough if the compatibility is not there too, so I think you’ll get through this okay and find yourself in a much better place in the future.

    #939622 Reply

    Misty

    Thank u all so much , this has been good therapy for me

    #939623 Reply

    Ewa

    I just feel like he wants you to break up with him, men sometimes do that, because they are not brave enough so they will put you in a position where you have no other choice.
    Him telling you he is not sexually attracted anymore is very telling, this is not going to change no matter how much you try.
    when it comes to sorting out financial issues, one of you can move out for the time being, while you both decide what to do with the house. It won’t be easy for you, but it looks like he couldn’t really care less, so he won’t fight for this relationship. Be prepared for that.

    #939625 Reply

    Lane

    I agree with others in that, at 6 years in you should both be moving toward the same objectives, have goals, and be working as a team to accomplish them. That is what a partnership is, and if one isn’t on board then your standing alone.

    I can see you are very lonely in this relationship. You have also adopted co-dependency issues in that you are too dependent on him for feeling loved, sexy, adored and heard. In hopes of achieving it you are doing more yet he still thinks of you less. That is a losing dynamic. Men are the GIVERS in the relationships, and if a man isn’t doing more of the giving, and you RECEIVING (female energy) then you are going to have a very difficult relationship.

    I’ve been with mine for almost 7 years and we are still going strong. He is not only a good man (honest, loyal, trustworthy, kind) but he cooks, does laundry, cleans, and freely GIVES his love and adoration to me every day without me ever having to ask him. This is what a healthy and balanced partnership looks like, where both contribute to the relationship always have goals, short & long term and continue to work towards them as a team. If my man never set goals, didn’t contribute, and bitched about his work day, every day, I would be happier alone!

    If you want children this relationship will suck you dry because you will essentially be a single mother with an adult child too—NOT a goal you should be aiming for!

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