Home › Forums › The Community Lounge › Is he looking to replace his wife..with me?
- This topic has 2 replies and was last updated 1 month, 2 weeks ago by
Eric Charles.
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Sandy Young
I got on a dating app and after the first few hours got a message from a guy clearly paying for a higher subscription. His profile stated he is well educated/ creative background as mine, so I decided to give it a go. After chatting we made plans to meet and he came out to see me a couple of times. The 2nd time, I suggested we go to happy hour and he started drinking dry martinis. I don’t know how we got into politics but he is a middle-aged, entitled – angry white man. He sent me a nice message on the way home but I basically ignored the message and he did not further pursue communication.
Several months later I asked whether he would like to meet up at a newly opened museum. I work all the time and though I connected w/ some other people, things never go beyond messaging or one meeting. I was only looking for the guy’s company as we both hugely appreciate the arts.
After the museum, we went to grab a bite and I realized I was somewhat attracted to the guy. The things that are holding me back:
1) his ex-wife is asian as I am and he seems to be dating mainly asians. His wife is highly educated and accomplished, creating insecurities.
2)political polarization as I don’t think I can trust someone so angry and entitledThe above point being said, is life too short not to take a chance or is this doomed from the start? Our only shared value is appreciation of the arts. I am financially independent and I’m looking for good company, a partner I can trust for advice if I need.
Also somewhat concerned with societal expectations to conform to certain expectations in wealthy circles.Not been on the dating scene that long, I may be looking for fun/ casual vs life long partner. If the fun/ casual things happens to lead to trust devotion that would be ideal.
Raven
I’m curious, exactly why did you message this “middle-aged, entitled – angry white man.”
Eric Charles
KeymasterHey Sandy,
It sounds like you’d like to pursue this – and if you do, nothing wrong with that.
You laid it out here. You mentioned that he did come off like an angry White man but that you were also attracted to him.
As far as his ex-wife goes… she’s gone, so there’s no use in you comparing yourself to her. After all, when this guy had the choice between her being there versus her being gone, he chose gone. So I wouldn’t worry about whoever she was or what qualities she had.
And as far as politics goes… polls have shown that men and women have grown apart politically over the last decade. By that I mean, on average, men have skewed slightly more conservative while women have swung significantly more liberal.
Of course, there are conservative women and liberal men – I’m speaking on average across the sexes. I bring this up because if we’re talking about men and women on average, there’s going to be a political rift more often than not.
If politics is extremely important to you and something you must talk about and agree on, then your political difference would be a deal-breaker.
But seeing as how you were attracted to him in spite of the difference in political views, it seems like it isn’t a deal-breaker for you. So I wouldn’t worry about it much.
To be honest, I don’t even look at this subject as “politics” when it comes to relationships. I look at the coupling in terms of how much each person feels the need to be “right.”
That is, if you have two people who both feel they need to be right at all costs, then a difference in political opinion will be a problem. Pretty much any difference will be a problem.
Whereas if one or both people are easygoing for the most part and can let things go (especially unimportant things), then it’s a non-issue.
You said that right now you’re open to having something fun/casual, so the stakes are lower. But I’d remiss in my role if I didn’t mention that this is how every situationship starts (“life’s too short”, “I feel attracted”, I want fun/casual but also a perfect long-term relationship would be great too).
I’m not saying that to dissuade you from pursuing it, just that it’s wise to have a way to stay grounded if you follow the siren song of “fun & casual”. Are you someone who’s able to do “fun & casual”? Have you been able to in the past? Did you have a way of making sure you stayed grounded and clearheaded?
That would be my only caution.
If you do pursue it, I hope everything goes well and it’s great.
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