In a dilemma


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This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 3 months ago.

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  • #930852 Reply

    Jess

    Gotta know this guy through Tinder on Xmas eve. We text each other everyday till now and he asked me out on next Friday. I think I should have asked him earlier regarding his marital status. But anyways, I asked yesterday. He’s 45yo, just finalised his divorce few months ago (delayed due to covid), has 2 kids (16yo & 13yo). I thought he seems too fast to want to start a new relationship but he told me the issues started 5 years ago. They divorce without fights, no cheating etc. Just amicably ended their marriage. Now I don’t know if he’s just looking for comfort or he’s really ready to start afresh. He’s really nice to chat with and I felt comfortable about it. No sugar coated words. Any advice please.. thanks..

    #930853 Reply

    Raven

    You don’t have to jump straight into bed or into a relationship with this guy.

    #930855 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You haven’t met this guy in person, right? I think you’re getting ahead of yourself. Generally speaking, it’s a bad idea to chat a lot before meeting someone you’ve connected with on an app. It creates a false sense of intimacy. You feel like you know the person through chatting but you really don’t, you have to spend time with someone in person to truly know if they’re a good fit for you. Plus you don’t even know if you’ll have chemistry or find the guy attractive until you meet.

    That’s general dating advice. Specifically, regarding the situation you describe– honestly this guy doesn’t sound like a good prospect for a relationship, if that’s what you’re after. He’s only been divorced a few months. His kids are 13 and 16, so I assume he was married 17+ years. A few months is not enough time to process the end of a decades-long marriage. A guy is not going to rush into another relationship the minute he’s divorced. He’s going to need time to himself, time to heal (healing is necessary even if the divorce was amicable, as he claims), and time to date around. So I’d proceed with caution if I were you– he most likely is “looking for comfort”, as you said. I’m sure he’s missing female companionship, so he’d be glad to spend time with you, and sleep with you (to be blunt)– I just don’t think he’s ready to jump into another relationship at this point.

    #930880 Reply

    Jessie

    Thanks so much for the sound advice. I have the same sentiments as well. Well, I will just go with the flow and be open with other options. Have a great day ahead. 🙂

    #931253 Reply

    Jess

    Liz Lemon, you are so right.

    We finally met on 6 Feb night. In fact, we flirted via texting a fair bit that week or even earlier. Then he asked if I’m OK to meet at a hotel with him. I obliged because I also have not have intimacy with a guy for many years. Met him and things happened naturally. But he couldn’t enter me as I was very nervous (I’m still a V). He tried to “mast” me but I didn’t reach climax due to anxiety. We went for some quick bites and showered together. Went back to the room for a quick shower and sent me back. We met the next 2 nights for dinner and went home after that. We last met on 11 Feb night for dinner. When we met at the train station, I felt something amiss. He didn’t even hold my hand anymore. Even after dinner and while walking along the river, he put his hand into his pocket. Then I have prepared for the worst. He finally spoke and told me he realised that he is not ready to commit and he has no confidence that things will work out. He’s just very afraid. Then I probed further, he told me that his ex wife actually have an affair which had hurt him badly. He kept apologising and said he wanted to put a stop before he hurt me further. He said let’s just be friends. I thought I’m OK with this. But I was wrong. Reality sank in and I cried buckets the next day. I thought I just sank in abit but I didn’t expect I have sunk in so deeply. All the little gestures meant so much to me. I wanted to tell him that I will wait for him but I didn’t. Wanted to save the little bit of pride or whatever for myself. What should I do now? I’m in a total wreck and so lost. I lost my appetite and looks in a daze and felt agitated as well. Please give me a piece of mind. I need to wake up. 😭😭😭

    #931259 Reply

    Raven

    @Jess, I feel for you…
    I’m curious, what did you except to happen?

    #931264 Reply

    Jess

    @Raven
    I really felt so stupid..
    I thought things will work out and can progress further..

    I told my guy friend about my situation.. He just told me that it’s obvious I was being cheated by him.. he asked things like did he show me his divorce papers & how can I trust what he said so easily.. sexually impulsive is what he described me that made me felt so awful after he left me.. if we did not have physical intimacy, I wouldn’t have felt this way.. 😔😔

    I really felt dirty of myself..

    #931265 Reply

    Jess

    @Raven

    But come to think of it, if he really has the intention to cheat, he would have ghosted me instead of still meet me up for dinner and tell me face to face.. I really don’t know..

    #931266 Reply

    Raven

    Ok, lesson learned. You can stop kicking yourself.

    Important lesson: You can not sex a man into a relationship. This fantasy started with you two meeting at a motel. Your expectations were way off base.

    Next time, spend less time texting & messaging. Get to know your dates in person.

    #931267 Reply

    Tallspicy

    This did not happen to you, you let it happen. Over investment, over expectations, sex too soon, newly divorced man. Please look into why you got so swept up. That is on you. No man is real until he is your actual boyfriend. Until you learn that, you will over read into situations.

    #931401 Reply

    Jess

    @Raven
    Many thanks for your advice. Lesson learnt.

    @Tallspicy
    After I read back all of my conversation texts with him, I realised that I’m the one who’s eager to move ahead fast. He didn’t have the intention to meet up that fast. I guess I initiated too much. Which guy will reject someone who throws themselves to them? Well, it’s correct that I allow all this to happen.
    I have learnt my lesson. I will try to take a step back and enjoy the moment instead of rushing through. Thank you very much. 😌🙏

    #931406 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Just seeing this now. I’m sorry this happened to you, but I’m not surprised. I agree with the other posters’ comments. There’s nothing you can do but take this as a learning experience.

    I’m going to assume since you said you’re a virgin, that you’re pretty young and inexperienced with relationships? A 45 year old divorced man is not the kind of guy you should be seeking. Try to date guys your own age & get some experience. All dating is a learning process. Unfortunately this experience was painful for you, but you’ve hopefully learned from it.

    #931409 Reply

    Jess

    @Liz Lemon

    I’m glad to see your reply. Many thanks!
    Actually, I’m 41 this year. I guess I’m too gullible & don’t have much experience in terms of handling relationships & recognising red flags. This lesson has taught me alot.

    #931410 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I see! You definitely live and learn. We’ve all had painful, disappointing dating experiences. All you can do is take what lessons you can from this.

    One thing I will add, since you’re in your 40s, a lot of guys in your dating pool will be divorced….don’t be the first woman a guy dates after his divorce, if you want something serious. A guy fresh out of a divorce, who hasn’t dated other women before you since ending his marriage, is not going to be in a place for a relationship. You see that now. If you date a divorced guy, make sure he’s been divorced for a while (some say at least 1 year, but it could even be longer for a guy who was married a long time, like 10-15 years), and dated other women since his divorce. Those guys are more likely to be in a mindset where they want to settle down and have a relationship. Just my two cents.

    #931414 Reply

    Jess

    Thanks @ Liz Lemon.

    I will keep your advice in mind. :))

    #931460 Reply

    tammy

    i think you probably pushed him into this. too much too soon when he was clearly not ready. i agree with all the above posters. nothing much you can do now but to move on. next time take your time, meet few times, have gud conversations, figure just what both are luking for and then decide.

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