I'm trying to figure out his feelings

I can understand your conundrum because dating has become so confusing today because neither sex seems to know what they are doing!

I believe the one who asks or sets up the date should pay for the date if you are not in a relationship. If you are the one who proposed the concert date, then the onus was on you to pay for it. In the future, if you don’t want to pay for a date, then don’t plan one until you are a couple at which point you should pay here and there everything unless he’s rich enough to shell out a few hundred a month on dates! Can you afford that? If not, then you shouldn’t expect a young man to do it either.

I also believe you are going into this with a skewed mentality. A guy shouldn’t have to break the bank to get to know you, and need to understand its become very expensive to date today so I wouldn’t call him *cheap* but financially savvy haha.

I find its best to keep the early dates low key and inexpensive. There are lots of free and inexpensive ways to get to know each other without breaking the bank such as a local museum, street festival, a nature hike, scenic drive and picnic, etc. Back in my day we didn’t *formally date* like they do today. Nope, we did mostly free or low cost activities as it was more about getting to know each other in a lot of different situations to determine if we liked each other enough to try a relationship, become a couple, and see if we continued to meshed in key areas or not.

Don’t look at dating so seriously right now as it should be more about learning about how to communicate, character, traits, communication, goals, compatibility (finances, beliefs, family/parenting, etc.) not *how much* they spend or don’t spend on you. Just listen, watch, and observe to see what type of guy he and other guys you date are that works best for you to the point you gel so well you’re still together a year plus later and naturally planning a future together. BTW my (now ex) husband and I were very poor when we started out but we both had dreams and over a decade later we worked TOGETHER (key word) to build a nice comfortable lifestyle for us and our family. Its really about how you work together as a team that will determine if you’re a good fit for each other or not.

I wanted to pay for over half the dates and the concert and I had no problem doing that because I don’t take advantage of any man by making him pay but my work colleague has been trying to convince me I messed up and should never pay for anything in the beginning stages of dating. She said I made a mistake by not allowing him to be a man and she said he is not a man in love with me because he let me pay and let me unfairly pay more than him and he doesn’t care about impressing me like a man in love. I got confused by her strong opinions on dating so I came to this dating forum for advice. She said I did well in the other parts of dating by letting him initiate everything, not contacting him, not making the first move. He’s made a good effort to initiate everything and make an effort on all 6 dates to show me he really likes me but the money and love thing tripped me up. Can others help me out answering my other questions about how and when a man falls in love? I don’t want to hear any more advice from the lady at work. Some of you think the money thing is not related to love.

Thanks K. It really helped to hear what you said. I have to avoid my work colleague at lunch because she seems to enjoy telling this guy is not in love with me and I messed up. It’s been really confusing me. It’s a relief to hear a pov that’s realistic and not rigid while I’m trying to figure out dating in general and this guy.

I’ll think a lot about what you said about the tug of war over the bill. It’s been more awkward once or twice than outright fighting and he ends up treating me nicely. I realize now I have to give his feelings more time and I have to give myself more time to get to know him before sleeping with him. He has been pressuring me to sleep with him and insists it will make us feel closer. Like I said in my first post I don’t know if this is typical manipulation but I did hear guys can’t fall in love with a girl without first being intimate. Can somebody share their thoughts on this?

And whatever your work colleague says, just let it go in one ear and right out the other. She’s entitled to her POV. You don’t have to take it on board. Don’t share any more about your personal life with her.

PS women are NOT required to sleep with a man to get his love

Thanks so much K and Shoshannah! I didn’t know this guy has been trying to manipulate me because he seems so sincere in our messages and talk IRL and I thought guys pushing for sex was normal. I stopped talking to work colleague already because her insistence she’s right and I’m wrong and I have to listen to her because she’s older than me and knows more is really disturbing. I’m having trouble knowing who to trust. I really wanted to trust this guy because he seemed to be the man I always wanted to find but the red and yellow flags made me unsure. Glad I found people here that have been nice and helpful.

I am not in disagreement with your co-worker! In the beginning, prior to a relationship, I let the man plan the dates and pay for them because as I stated earlier, the one who plans the date should pay for the date. Additionally it tells you their level of interest whereas a man who’s interested is willing to pay to get your time and attention, a man who isn’t doesn’t. This has has nothing to do with “love” it has everything to do with a man showing the woman he would make a good provider IF they partner up, as its in a man’s DNA to be a PROVIDER for his woman and their family. Men who cannot provide don’t get the woman, only those who can do IF you are a woman who expects the man to provide.

There are many men who LOVE the woman but are unable to provide for her so don’t get the two mixed up as they are two separate and distinct issues and ultimately depends on what the woman requires in a mate.

As for him pushing for sex and saying “it will make you closer” is hogwash!!! Men can easily go without sex for years if they are “in love” with the woman. This was very common back in the day where they courted each other for two to three years and didn’t have sex until their honeymoon! Many of those who held out (such as my parents, grandparents, uncle/aunt, cousins, etc.) are still married or remained married until their deaths btw so now know sex doesn’t equal love and love doesn’t equal sex. However you do need to know that a man who’s *pushing for sex* just wants sex and should push back harder (not give in) as they will eventually give up and move on if you don’t put out which clearly tells you they aren’t in love and aren’t going to fall in love. That is the BEST test to know how a man truly feels about you.

In my opinion this guy is completely not into you for a relationship and will only keep seeing you because he would like to have sex with you. If you sleep with him, he might hit you up for more or, he might do a one and done.

I think your work friend has a bad rap on this thread, but in my opinion a lot of what she’s saying has truth. Using the love word is too much – but I don’t pay for dates in the beginning either. A man courting you — calls, texts, asks you out and pays. I have just never paid for dates, except the occasional coffee or round of drinks, until I was in a relationship with someone exclusively. Everyone is different I suppose. But letting the man lead SHOWS you his interest level. And if he doesn’t have the money he can plan inexpensive dates.

A LOT of guys will go out with you if you pursue them – but as you see, they won’t offer to pay, don’t text you much, don’t respond to your texts quickly and don’t initiate dates (unless you try and arrange for sex). She is also right that — if a man likes you — you’ll know it. I would get back to living your life and being open to men who would want a relationship with you.

Hi Amy,

I suspect you’re fairly young, and I applaud your desire to learn about men and dating and understanding the differences between the sexes.

I’m an older woman (mid-60s), but I have the benefit of having experienced “trying to figure out how to date” in my 40s after a divorce. If there’s one thing I’d like to impress upon you, it’s to avoid being intimate with a man until you’re sure you’re in an actual, official relationship with someone whose words and actions match. I don’t think most women fully grasp what happens to our hearts and heads when we have sex with men who may or may not even contact us again. The experience goes against our nature as women, it hardens us, and we often look back on those encounters with tremendous regret.

I didn’t address the other issues (who pays, your work acquaintance, etc.), because as I see it, the most important thing right now is to not cave in to this guy’s pressure to have sex. It’s too early in your situationship to know if his main interest in you is sexual, and the price you’ll pay emotionally if he “hits it and quits it” just isn’t worth it. You’ve got lots of time and there are lots of good guys out there!

I hope my post gets red and the key word here is “afraid”.

He has caught on that you are needy because you are pushing.

If you really like the guy didn’t lean back and start valuing yourself.

*read

Thanks JC and Katie for sharing your experiences! JC, I’m young and I’m really trying to learn. I haven’t made many mistakes with this guy and I’d like to keep it that way but I’m not sure about seeing him again. Katie, I’m sorry about what that guy did to you. When you left because you weren’t happy did he care or did he try to manipulate you to stay for sex? I’m trying to prepare myself for what will happen if or when I stop dating him.