Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › I need help to understand my boyfriend's love language
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Gigi.
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Gigi
My boyfriend and I have grown distant lately, he’s less responsive but we still meet and does little nice things for me which show that he cares and loves me. I am calling him more and we’ve been together for almost 7 months. Today I texted him a lovesong and he said it’s a wonderful way to start the day. I called him now and I couldn’t hear him cause he was driving but he said he’s going to a birthday party. I wanted to invite him to a dinner tomorrow so we can spend some quality time and bond. He was trying to tell me that he got some plans but we can do it or something like this. We agreed to talk tomorrow and I just dropped him a text have fun show these sexy dance moves (like insight joke we have) but he didn’t reply. Should I call him tomorrow? It was an awkward call on my side or I’m just tired and I’m overthinking it.He is also planning to go abroad in few months but we haven’t discussed when how things will be for us long distance will be hard. He might be disconnecting because of that but my friend says that he’s acting like a hurt 15 year old boy and me like a scared teenage girl and that he told me he might be leaving way in advance without concrete plans but was waiting or expecting me to ask him to stay cause I already told my bf that its okay if he leaves and it ends and that I’m glad I met him- thinks that I should have asked him to stay and didn’t fight for him and if i dont, will regret it. It’s my first relationship and first time I fell in love.
Maddie
You shouldn’t ask him to “stay,” especially if you’re young, so you’re right about that. If he has a good reason to go (a good job or educational opportunity or wants to explore a different way of living) or just wants to go in general, you can’t decide for him. But if things are serious between you, you can and should be actively talking to him about it after 7 months together. It is also perfectly okay to tell him that while you’re supportive of whatever he chooses, you’re struggling a little bit with how to feel about the situation. In general, when you are in a healthy relationship with a good boyfriend, it is okay to be vulnerable and to share feelings to work together to resolve issues. If he is mature, he will listen and want to help.
It does sound like you’re both avoiding difficult conversation about the future, so that avoidance would put a wedge between anyone dating. It sounds like maybe he’s not made up his mind yet which is why he’s not talking about it, or maybe you’re right that he has and isn’t sure long-distance will work so is getting more distant. Or he doesn’t realize how much it’s affecting you, which is why it’s okay to tell him what I suggested above.
I will caution you that if he’s not being upfront in discussing his future plans with you or involving you, that’s not a good sign in regards to being a man who is committed and thinking about building a life with you. While, again, this isn’t about you asking him to stay, he should want to know how you feel, what kind of things you’re looking for in the future from a relationship in general (would you be open to moving, would you be open to long distance, would he be gone permanently or is it short term), and be making a decision with you together. Even if the decision is to break up over the logistics. And he should be taking some initiative to involve you in the process through conversation, not putting it off. It being so difficult to discuss doesn’t bode well for making it together as a couple who needs to problem-solve and face life and stress together.
And I don’t think it’s about his love language. Love language is about how you each give and receive affection, how you and your partner best feel cared for and show that care to others. I think you feel he’s pushing away and not communicating enough period about an important issue so you’re trying to fill the space and pull him closer. But you can’t pick up all the slack in making a relationship work because it’s a two way street. Your anxiety sounds like it is really about all this, not about how much you should be calling him. That’s why you’re looking for ways to “bond” and don’t feel like you’re on solid footing together. Too much guessing and uncertainty and dancing around important conversation that still needs to happen for you to feel secure in the relationship progression. And that’s a totally valid way to feel in this situation.
Lane
It sounds like you trying “too hard” to fill in the void you are feeling and he could very well be feeling a bit suffocated by you.
I think you need to take about 5 steps back and give him space as you don’t need to reside in his pocket and should be able to do things by yourself so you can maintain some independence in the relationship. You are acting “co-dependent” IMO by trying to fix something that might not even be broken, and in doing so could very well be making him think if you are the right fit or not.
His short term trip could actually do you both good, give you the space to miss each other but I have a gut feeling you will be too needy, bombard him, and it could very well make him step way back or out.
What I do know is that if you step back and let him fill in the space again; start gaining some independence and not be overly reliant on him; it might just be what you both need.
Zoe
Give this man some space. He is trying less because you are trying more. Looks like he cant breath because of all of your love songs
Gigi
That was the first time I send him a song in the whole relationship but yes I have been trying way hard and truth is it exhausted me. For example today we are supposed to meet but I haven’t contacted him yet as I am really thinking to take your advice and let him initiate to find the balance again. If he contacts me I will reciprocate but I will take a step back now so we can miss each other. I hope that it’s not too late. He isn’t going on a trip but back to university (he postponed it due to covid) he studies abroad.
Maddie
Not contacting him when you already have plans made is just playing a game. That’s not the kind of leaning back that makes a man reach out, that just builds distrust and creates further confusion. You are both young, though. There will be a lot going on for him at school and you’ll just need to talk about it and see what you both want. And then see how it goes because once he’s away, you may find it’s not working anymore and you may also find that you miss each other. But avoiding it and playing games about who is contacting whom before then won’t help your situation. Neither will acting out of fear and anxiety and doing all the work. You’ve been dating 7 months, playing games once you’re already in the relationship doesn’t help. You shouldn’t be trying to fill in all the space between you like you’re doing now, that is doing too much as it exhausts you, feels unnatural, and doesn’t ease your anxiety. But totally withdrawing instead of talking about an issue doesn’t fix the issue even if the guy does start to initiate more.
Gigi
You are right! We did meet and went for a walk then watched a movie at my place and had sex. We talked about him leaving, he hasn’t made up his mind yet, told me he was going to miss me but long distance will be hard and his not into that but told me to stay in touch and that he might return back after his studies. I will obviously not gonna wait as much as I love him. It also explains disconnecting from his side. We haven’t reached a conclusion about it but at some point he asked me to stop talking about it cause it makes him sad. Anyhow, we agreed to stay together for the time being and see what happens once he leaves.
Ren
Go meet him or ask for his address. If he doesnt want to give it to u for 7mos thats means his hiding something. You could be the sidechick
Gigi
I don’t need to ask for his address or get suspicious cause I don’t want to stay in touch while I still got feelings for him and he doesn’t want to be in a long distance thing. The only thing we can do is an open long distance relationship or something similar but I can’t hang in there waiting if he’ll come back. Mind you that when I first met him he left and thought it’s over but after 2 or 3 weeks came back so he’s really puzzling whether to take the step again or not. Hasn’t put a date on it and when conversation goes there he wants me to stop talking about it. I made a joke how much sex can we have for 2 more months (because the last 2 times we finished together and agree that our sex is amazing) and he got really upset and asked me to stop reminding him of that. It’s hard to live in the moment and enjoy each other’s company with the idea that it ends soon but also we haven’t again defined the subject cause it wasn’t really a tough talk about what the other needs or wants and if it isnt aligned, we both know we will not continue seeing each other so it’s kind of avoided. He then went home and texted me good night (hasn’t done that for a while).
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