How to handle my bf about my issues?


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This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Sandybean 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #791481 Reply

    emcee

    Hi,
    I’ve been with my bf for seven months. Everything’s great! We were able to get to know each other during the lockdown as i stayed in his place for a month. I like that he treated me very well and he is the one who’se putting an effort to resolve our conflict every time we have disagreements.

    The last time we’re together though, I got upset as I found out he hasn’t deactivated his dating app although he is not using or even opening it anymore. He mentioned he just got no time to deactivate those. I also told him my other issues like i’m bothered we have different stand on marriage and kids. Lastly, I don’t like how he communicate with his ex constantly (He is not hiding anything from me though. I can see his phone/laptop anytime i want to) I left his place after that and told him I don’t think we’re compatible. We weren’t really able to talk about the issues when i left as i’m the type that i need some space /breather when i’m upset.

    He messaged me a day after asking how i was but I told him, our issues hasn’t been resolved. He told me he was just busy with work. He messaged me again after two days but i was cold with him as I felt he wasn’t even dealing with our issues. Now, it’s been 3 days that he hasnt message me so I sent him a message …i don’t want to sound i’m attacking him so I just played it cool and didn’t mention any of our issues. He told me his day was rough and busy. I backed out and told him good night and just call me when he is not busy anymore.
    Now, i don’t know how to deal with this. I felt that he is somehow a lil distant. He used to always message or call me consistently first. He told me he is always there to talk to me anytime and he never left me unanswered so far. I might be overthinking but he might also be thinking about our relationship that we’re not really a good fit or it can be that he is just really stress about his work/business (he has his own business). So i don’t know anymore how to approach him. Should I just wait for the meantime until He is no longer stress? At times i also feel that he doesn’t want to discuss this issues. But these are important for me and i don’t want to waste my time staying in a relationship that’s not fit for me. Advice on how to approach this?

    #791482 Reply

    Newbie

    For a relationship thats so great you sure found a lot to not only nag about but also punish him for. You are ruining this all by yourself. First the dating app, he just hasnt deleted it. I have a dating app on my iPad for 5 years that is unused for 5 years. It just means i and he are lazy cleaning up apps. He is on contact with his ex but nothing strange is going on. So why call it an issue then?
    This is 7 months so to have heavy talks about kids and the amount seems very early plus you seem rigid, like his plan has to be follow your plan.
    And now he is pulling back. Probably wondering if he really needs a controlling nag like you in his life. Yes im harsh but o hope you use it for good. When a relationship is so good, like you said, then only fix small things

    #791483 Reply

    emcee

    Thanks newbie for a different perspective!
    However, i dont think there’s anything wrong to discuss what’s our stand about kids and marriage. We’re not teenagers. I am late 30’s he is early 40s. I’ve always been in a long term relationship and stayed long avoiding the important talks (been there, done that!) I wouldn’t let myself be in a long term relationship again just to know were not compatible.

    Also, I didn’t nag or anything. I just mentioned to him i don’t think we’re compatible. I got upset because i discovered about the dating apps and for me, it’s disrespectful to be in a relationship and yet still have an active profile on dating apps. Thats when he told me he is not using it. I didn’t check about the apps anymore nor check about the messages with the ex, I just know that they’re talking as it’s displaying notification every.single.day! and although i have access to his phone or laptop, i don’t like to intrude his privacy so i don’t check to verify what are the other messages but it’s really bothering me so I would like to discuss these things instead of stressing myself out and yet not say anything.

    #791486 Reply

    Newbie

    Seeing your ages i dont think its weird to talk about kids, but not in an argument way. You draw conclusions from it. If he says he doesnt want kids or doesnt know, it would be a reason to quit an move on.
    My main reason to call you a nag was you said he messaged you and you responded with: our issues are not been resolved. Thats passive agressive punishing

    #791488 Reply

    Lane

    I agree with Newbie in that you are very passive-aggressive which is not how you deal with problems but create more problems.

    There’s a saying “pick your battles very carefully” because when you go to war, no one wins, and will only leave a bloody path of issues in your wake until one or both of you surrenders.

    You are not his mother! He’s a grown man who gets to decide what he wants to do, who he wants to speak with, and if he wants or doesn’t want kids/family. If you don’t like it, then you walk away. That’s the non passive-aggressive way of handling it by ACCEPTING you are too different in key areas that matter, not compatible, and best to find someone you are better matched with.

    I would stop talking to you too. You told him the two of you were “incompatible” and once those words came out of your mouth, you can’t just unsay them, and pretend everything’s hokey-dokey when they aren’t. You ARE RIGHT, you aren’t compatible and should free him up to meet the lady he can be compatible with, and you can now meet the man you are compatible with. This is the purpose of dating—determining if you are the right fit (gel well) or a square peg and round hole. You don’t gel well as you are controlling and passive-aggressive, and he doesn’t see the need to twist himself into a pretzel just to pacify all your needs and demands.

    #791507 Reply

    Sandybean

    I agree with all that has been said. Also, put yourself in his shoes: he reached out to you twice since you walked out on him. You snapped at him twice before a conversation could even take place because you ASSUMED that he’s not dealing with your issues (how could he possibly deal with it alone?). Why in earth would he continue reaching out to you when all he gets is some passive aggressive response? Especially after you told him you’re not compatible? I would soooooo move on from this if I was him. Not because you’re a bad person but because YOU are the one UNWILLING and UNABLE to address your issues in a responsible manner.

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