How to handle an emotionally unavailable man


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  • #386326 Reply
    Stefanie

    Great advice to start a new year with from Evan M Katz:

    1. Being emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean he’s dead. It means he’s not serious about falling in love at this point.

    In other words, he can be a good guy and do everything right – but if he’s not acting like a boyfriend, you’re wasting your time.
    “Now the fact that we are emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean that we’re no longer desirous of a woman’s attention and affection. It also doesn’t mean we’ve lost the ability to perceive attractiveness and beauty and it most definitely doesn’t mean we’re no longer interested in sex. We will want all of those things, and we’re still going to work toward getting all of those things. Understanding this is essential to understanding the emotionally unavailable man…Women often seem to assume that because a man is single, educated, employed, handsome, possessed with great taste, a great wardrobe and is a generally good guy, he is automatically on the market. This is an absolute fallacy.”

    2. Ignore the positives, believe the negatives. Maybe it was our overt actions (not claiming you as a girlfriend). Maybe it was our silences (one week after a date). Maybe it was our actual words (I’m not looking for anything serious right now), but you didn’t pay attention. Says the author about women who ignore the signs:

    “They figure if they can determine why we’re emotionally unavailable, then they can just help us address that issue and all will be right with the world. Still though, no matter how stern our warnings, no matter how many times we tell you that our emotional unavailability is serious and not a game, you still find away to allow yourselves to fall to the point of no return.”

    3. Just because he’s emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean he’s evil.

    “If we communicate to you, in no uncertain terms, that we’re very interested in you, but not interested in anything serious with anyone, and you choose to proceed, we see that as the green light to be the naturally great guys we’ve always been. This means we’re going to be thoughtful, we’re going to be charming and we’re going to make your friends laugh when you introduce us to them. We’re going to check on you when you’re sick, send you good morning emails and good night text messages. When we go out together, we’re going to do everything we’re supposed to do to make sure you have a good time and if you let us, we’re going to do everything in our power to please you sexually. Why? Because a good guy takes pride in making sure a woman in his company has enjoyed her time with him.”

    Amen. I dated lots of women during my single life. You’d be hard pressed to find any of them who would say, “That Evan is a miserable asshole. He has no idea what makes women tick. What a terrible communicator. He’s so selfish and insensitive that he’ll never make a woman happy.” In other words, he can be a good guy and do everything right – but if he’s not acting like a boyfriend, you’re wasting your time.

    4. You claim to be a powerful woman, but you don’t act like it. (Oh, boy, now we’re cutting close to the bone…)

    You can’t expect him to value you like a girlfriend if you don’t insist on being treated like a proper girlfriend.
    “Men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself. If you’ve been giving us all of you while requiring nothing more than our bare minimum then that negatively affects how much we believe you value yourself and we know in our heart we can never be with you. No matter how much we want to, we can’t build up the motivation to give you everything if we know you’ve been content with us giving you barely anything. We need to be challenged, we need to know that you’ll accept nothing less than everything.”

    This is why I tell you repeatedly to act like the CEO and treat men like interns. If he’s not showing up and you’re putting up with it, it’s not his fault. It’s yours, for not firing him! You can’t expect him to value you like a girlfriend if you don’t insist on being treated like a proper girlfriend.

    #386329 Reply
    Harley

    yup………….I’ve been realising this for a long time now.

    Am starting to do a lot of “firing”.. takes me a few months to get round to it.. but I’m doing it.

    And online guys… “fired” at the 1st strike !

    #386340 Reply
    celesteannv

    Love this.

    #386390 Reply
    dmk

    oh, that’s fabulous!!

    #386391 Reply
    Lylah

    Thanks, hadn’t seen this mail yet! Dated a few EUM before… Definitely sheds some light.

    #395440 Reply
    Suave

    Boy I wish I would of read this prior to Xmas.

    #395451 Reply
    Sherri

    Just fired a guy on Monday after a week of dating. He gave me the “I don’t think I can fall in love again.” And previously had told me he wont get into a relationship if he was not in love ….. MOVE ON BUDDY!!!!

    #395458 Reply
    Vanessa

    Haha Sherri. Love it! Some women would take that as a challenge. haha

    #395463 Reply
    Ivy

    Yes, I read it before and it’s one that always stands out in my mind…it’s an awesome post. It’s so easy for a woman to interpret caring and romance as a man changing his mind about wanting a relationship and this post was a real eye-opener.

    #395473 Reply
    Lane

    Awesome post Stefanie!

    Would answer 75% of these posts if most women read it, applying it is a whole different story though. Women need to learn how to be a ‘boundaries girl’ if they want something real and meaningful which means not giving all of herself away too early, but keep the man pining for more and only entertaining the men who are single, emotionally available, and wanting the same thing she does where there will be NO MIXED SIGNALS and CLEAR AS DAY! Women set themselves up for so much heartbreak when they tell a man she’s not looking for a casual fling and then ACTS like a woman who’s into casual flings (has sex too early)!

    Although I don’t agree with unless “he ACTS like a BF” because a lot of men can ACT this way and still be emotionally unavailable, so its up to the woman to make sure he gives her the title of GF before she “fires him”…love that one! If a man FEARS losing you he will step up, if not he won’t.

    #395519 Reply
    Misty

    This is a great article. I’ve always been a huge fan of EMK. Funny thing about the EUM…they’re so sure that they know what they’re doing, they never see the relationship savvy woman coming until it’s way too late and they’ve already fallen for her.

    Sadly, a great number of Western women don’t know how to truly be a “relationship savvy” woman!

    #395541 Reply
    redcurleysue

    So true….hope women listen. We are a gift…we need to believe.

    #395951 Reply
    Alex

    Two thumbs up for this articLe! Thanks again Stefanie:)

    #395952 Reply
    jane2

    Thank you Stefanie!

    Sums it all up well – this article is a keeper. I also wish I had read this before Christmas… But at least I’m seeing it now! It is never to late!

    #395957 Reply
    STefanie

    I think this should be required reading at all high schools! Thanks everyone.

    I really feel for all the confused women posting here. Because when you are willing to see clearly, a man’s behavior is not all that confusing. They are actually pretty direct and easy to understand if you know you must look at their actions and not their words and the two should match up, with more weight going to the actions.

    #396612 Reply
    jane2

    Yes required reading in high school. I think it should be required memorizing! ha ha

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