How to apologize?

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Dyanne 4 days, 5 hours ago.

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  • #854815 Reply


    Before I start, I would like to ask for a little grace. I know what I did was wrong, and that’s why I need to apologize.

    A little over a year ago I hooked up with a man who was engaged at the time. We were at a friend’s party and seriously drunk. I would not have allowed it to cross that line if I was sober. He broke off his engagement not long after. From our friendship before the incident, I know the relationship had been suffering for a long time (bringing this up makes me feel a little less bad because I’m trying to tell myself that it wasn’t all my fault). We didn’t start dating right away and a few rocky months went by. We’ve been going steady now for about six months and I’m so deeply in love with him. But it’s like her shadow is always over me. I feel so ashamed every time I hear her name (she has a ver common name) and somehow feel like him and I don’t feel like we deserve to be happy together because of the pain it caused her.

    I want and need to apologize to this woman, but I’m not sure how to go about it. Should I ask her to meet me somewhere? If she doesn’t want to see me or has blocked me or doesn’t respond to my message, how do I continue? Leave a fb message/DM? I have her address, is a letter an option? Since I’m already at fault, I want to be as respectful and considerate as possible when approaching this apology. Thank you.

    #854884 Reply


    do not contact her! why would you even want to remind her of what happened?
    you said it wasn’t great between them anyway, did you force him to sleep with you? No! so why are you blaming yourself for their breakup? Maybe he used to to find an excuse to break up with her.
    I understand that you feel bad for her, did you know before sleeping with him that he was engaged ?
    He cheated on her, that’s on him, he should be the one feeling guilty.
    one other thing I want to say here… you are dating a cheater , are you not worried that he will do the same thing to you?

    #854893 Reply


    Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. If you must unburden yourself, go to confession and be done with it. Keep this poor woman out of it, and next time you want to do something about something like this, keep your mouth shut, selfish lady. You help someone cheat, that is your burden, don’t vomit it onto her like you are doing her a favor. Your guilt is yours not hers. Hrmph.

    #855080 Reply


    Turn this around… how do you know you caused her pain? You say you know their relationship was already on the rocks. Maybe she was relieved to be out of the engagement. Maybe they would have gotten married and divorced quickly. You don’t know how she feels or what is good and right for her life. If they were meant to be together they would be. None of this would have happened. You don’t owe her an apology and you should not contact her.

    The only person you hurt is yourself. You drank too much and slept with someone you wouldn’t have slept with minus alcohol involved. OK. So you know better now and you would not do that again. You learned by experience. Let yourself off the hook. Keeping yourself on the rack and turning the screws isn’t helping. Judging and condemning yourself so severely is an act of violence against yourself. You don’t deserve it. I think you may also feel guilty you’re with him and you two are happy. You will sabotage what you currently have if you don’t work through this.

    By the way, grace doesn’t come from random strangers on the internet. Grace is always available to you, if you let yourself receive it. Please let yourself receive it now so you can be as happy as you deserve.

    #855084 Reply


    No. She’ll know immediately you’re apologizing out of guilt, not for her well being, and will probably tell you to go to hell. I know of a similar situation, and if that second woman ever reached out to the first one for any reason, the first would have had a complete meltdown and it would have been even more horrific for everyone involved. The first relationship didn’t end because of the second woman, it ended because the relationship was dysfunctional. Though her man acted out about the dysfunction in one of the worst possible ways (cheating), and responsibility for that was on *him.* The second woman existing didn’t end the first relationship, though, even after they were caught. The first relationship ended later after they then failed to work through the issues leading up to the cheating, which the act of cheating itself finally brought to light.

    I wonder if you’re worried that karma will come back and so fear is driving the impulse (you still feel unsteady because could he do the same to you)? I’d actually talk to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. You can tell him you still feel bad and guilty about how you initially hooked up and ask him more about why the engagement wasn’t working out before he met you. This isn’t for prying about the ex, it’s to discuss what’s gone wrong for him in the past to make sure you two aren’t going to find yourself in a similar situation (assuming you haven’t already discussed it). Was it just compatibility issues and inexperience? Was it him having bad communication and has he since worked on it? Is your conflict resolution and problem solving together better than in his past relationships? I’ve completely discussed what went wrong in my serious boyfriend’s prior serious relationships to assess our compatibility, and he’s brought it up as well anyway because he doesn’t want a repeat of those dynamics. We didn’t do that immediately, but after you’ve been together seriously for 6 months it shouldn’t be weird to discuss.

    #855096 Reply


    The best thing you can do for her is to wish her well. Silently and from afar. Move on from this and don’t do something like that ever again. That’s probably the best you can do. Start living with integrity. Don’t contact her EVER. You made a horrible mistake — don’t make another one.

    #855101 Reply


    Completely agree with, Maddie. I was wondering if your need to apologize was more about your underlying fear of karma and/or your boyfriends unfaithfulness.

    And as all have already advised – please do not reach out to her.

    #855127 Reply


    Nope nope nope. Leave her alone. I’m not going to dig you out. We all do sh*tty things at one time or another but contacting this woman will just cause you a load of crap, make her feel crap and will not absolve you.

    I get why you carry this guilt and perhaps you are also subconsciously concerned your bf might cheat on you since he cheated with you.

    #855166 Reply


    He will do it for you, he will do it to you…

    #855234 Reply


    Please do no contact this woman! You have selfish motivations and want to apologize only to make yourself feel better not her. We all make mistakes and have to live with the consequences of our actions. If you want to make amends, try being a better person and learn from your mistakes.

    Obviously, something wasn’t right with their relationship if he was out cheating on his fiance with you. He did her a favor by breaking up their relationship so she can now go find the right man for her. Just be careful because if he did it once, he can do it again

    #855620 Reply


    I slept with a friend a short time before breaking up with my ex. The breakup was long time coming, would have happened anyway, maybe me sleeping with someone else just made me bite the bullet sooner. My friend was also friends with my ex and he was feeling incredibly guilty, but never told my ex. To this day, he doesn’t know and I think it’s better this way, confessing would have caused him unnecessary pain and wouldn’t have changed anything. He is now in a relationship, they are doing well living together and we’re in good terms.

    Enjoy your relationship and let her find her one. Nothing good can come out of you confessing, find your peace another way.

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