Home Dates

If you want to take it slow then talk to him tell him that you want to take it slow and don’t let him be in control.
Don’t do anything you aren’t ready for and take your time if you need it.

Yay for Caroline!

She’s right. It’s not about what we think is too soon, its about what YOU, OP, thinks is too soon. You should feel relaxed and happy in your decisions- if you feel anxious or unsure, do not move. Also know that when a man is truly interested in you he can’t get enough and you can’t “do” anything wrong – if he’s the type of person who blows you off just because you refuse to go home with him, than he wasn’t worth your time anyway.

good luck

No I wouldn’t accept a home date after just 3 dates….amazing or not! It’s not to say I haven’t but I learned from experience. I made it clear to guys I met online I wasn’t going to be having sex with them after 3, 4, 5, etc dates. Even having made it clear things would still get hot and heavy and I would have to stop them. It’s far too easy to have a couple glasses of wine over dinner and your reservations and boundaries go out the window!

I dated a guy who was a chef. He wanted to cook for me. He lived about 45 mins away but I agreed since he had come to me for the first 3 dates or so. I got there around 2 and he drug out dinner until 8! It was dark and pouring down raining by then, I had already told him no half a dozen times to spending the night and I finally left and drove home in terrible weather just because I was trying to be nice and wait for the dinner he had been prepping and marinating and working on all day. But in the end I feel he was trying to manipulate me into staying and having sex. I didn’t agree to see him again. p

It’s just so much easier if you save home dates for later when you are comfortable enough to be intimate together.

I don’t think sex can happen “too soon” with a guy who is truly open to a relationship, who’s totally into you and isn’t a misogynist. As written above – it’s what YOU are ready for. Many women feel vulnerable and different in their expectations after sex so put off having it until they are ready. My take is that waiting can indeed weed out men who are just looking for that, but it in no way guarantees a relationship even if you wait 10 dates.

I recently hit it off with someone quickly, a man who expressed he was looking for the same things as I am – long term etc. I wanted to have sex on the 3rd date but told him I just wasn’t comfortable sleeping with someone who was still swiping on Tinder (where we met) but was also did not know him well enough to call him my bf. Some women may not want to sleep with someone they don’t well enough – but for me – sex is exploration of someone. Anyway. He came up with the idea of not sleeping with, or dating anyone else but we agreed we are not bf-gf yet. We are getting to know each other and that includes sex. It’s working out well and he’s treating me respectfully and contacting me and seeing me daily.

The point is – each relationship and the people in it — are different. Take some time to reflect what you need and gently, playfully assert it to the guy. If he’s into you it will not scare him away.

Dear T from NY,
I’ve seen you give such great advice to posts that it’s really great to see you give an example of following your own advice. Congrats and I hope the dating situation you’re in continues to flow in a positive direction.

Ari,
You don’t have to have red flags to redirect the suggestion of a home date. If you’re not comfortable and it’s moving too fast, let him know you’d feel better if you can continue the other types of dates you’re having — or maybe make it a special one that reflects either of your special interests that maybe he shared with you. You can also actually tell him you feel a bit uncomfortable coming to his home and why, and then that will open up the rest of the conversation about both of your expectations.

Enjoy the journey, how exciting for you! AND T from NY as well! :)

thank you mama
oxox

How old are you guys and what does he do for a living? Its hard to tell what his intentions are but 3 dates isn’t that much in the grand scheme of things and you probably don’t know him well enough to trust him. He could be wining and dining you and now wants sex. It’s kind of hard to resist hooking up with someone in that scenario..Usually your gut instincts are right so maybe just go with that? Also consider your own safety. Don’t tell him you’re not gonna have sex because first of all that’s awkward and potentially rude if he’s actually genuine. And second if it happens then you’ll look a bit dumb..maybe politely decline and meet in public? If he’s already paid 3x you can go dutch? In my experience home dates turn into booty calls..but its all up to you and your situation etc. Best of luck! :)

Ames thank you, I feel my gut may be telling me it’s too soon to accept that type of date. We are both in early 30’s.

I guess my next question is should I pay for our next outing when I suggest somewhere public? I don’t want him thinking I’m using him, but then again isn’t it called courting for a reason, as in the man is supposed to court the woman?

You should pay for one out of 4-5 dates if he makes more money. Stay in public for now and tell him you do not do home dates until you suggest it.

You can’t scare away a guy who is really open to a relationship or who is really into you. Just be calm. Live your life and let him lead. I think it’s unfair when women get angry if I guy is “just looking for sex”. It’s their right to want whatever they want as long as they don’t lie to you or treat you unwell. He could be a very nice guy — but he has a sex drive. He may only want something physical, he may wonder how much you like sex. Men see sex as just another aspect of the relationship. Women see it much differently.

Sit back. People show you who they are pretty quickly. If he doesn’t make more plans — he just in a different place than you emotionally, or just isn’t your person. That’s what dating is all about.