He wants me to spend time with him even though he's not over his ex.


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This topic contains 21 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  J 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #775376 Reply

    Anonymous

    Please help…

    I met a man on Facebook a year ago. Nothing came of it until 3 days ago when he broke up with his girlfriend and I stopped dating my summer fling. The stars seemed to align for us which has been super intense because all of our online conversations have been passionate, fiery, and at some points, a little volatile (petty jealousies and witty banter).I knew something would come of us seeing each other because we’re obviously attracted to each other and we’re both REALLY passionate and like to have in depth conversations about life and love and what it all means.

    We finally met the other night after a slew of long texts to one another about how we shouldn’t hold back anymore and just do the damn thing. When I saw him… this flood of emotion came over me and I immediately knew this was either going to be really special, or hurt like a b*tch. We’ve since spent the last three nights in a row together. We just…like each other’s company and in person our conversations flow so well (we both agree on this).

    However, we haven’t been able to perform in bed. Either of us. It’s like we get it going, but then he just loses interest in it altogether, and I can feel him losing speed and I lose interest too. It’s mostly him. We talked about it last night and he told me he still loves his ex. He said he just got no closure from the last relationship, even though he broke things off. He says he will get over it and that it’s just hard for him to move on so quickly after living with someone for 3 months. He says he really didn’t like her (he broke up with her abruptly after being triggered by one of his pet peeves of her, and left the restaurant where they were having dinner with friends), but that he cares about her and it feels weird to him to be with someone else. But he’s very vocal about how much he likes me and he swears it has absolutely nothing to do with me.

    He’s begging me to give him time, and he’s begging me to keep spending time with him. I’m finding it super hard to spend time with him under these circumstances… I just want him to want me. Even though he swears he does.. I’m concerned he’s not only lying to me, but to himself. Should I risk being hurt here? Is it worth the possibility of finding who I think might be my god damned soul mate?

    #775379 Reply

    anon

    I am finding with men that they have a big need to be “wanted” by someone right after a break up. Like they really need a placeholder for their ex while they build their esteem back up to be alone, then find “the one”. And they dangle it in front of women as “hey, maybe you will be the one”, except you won’t be the one. You will be the girl that helps him feel attractive and confident to go out and pursue “the one”.

    That guy likes you, and to be honest, at this point he would like any other vaguely attractive, sane woman who would put up with his wishy washy still in love with his ex vibe. He has an emotional void from his ex, and you are filling it for now.

    I’d tell him to go take a year and find himself, and if he still find himself thinking about you, to give you a call when he is healed and ready.

    #775381 Reply

    Khadija

    Thank him for his honesty and then stop hanging out with him or being in contact.

    He is clearly on the rebound and has you around as an ego boost.

    Don’t be that woman who sticks around hoping for the best its a waste of your time.

    I agree with Anon if after a year he wants to reach out because he is thinking about you give it a go but, this is not a good time.

    #775385 Reply

    Penny

    Agree totally with previous posters. His breakup devastated him and hes looking for comfort & validation from any woman who will be a substitute mommy but not for sex.

    I went thru the same once. I built up his self esteem, confidence, told him how great he looked. Funny thing tho, I noticed he never took much interest in getting to know me as a person. It was all about his woes.

    After awhile then he had the stupidity and nerve to tell me to my face that he was interested in some other woman who wasn’t agreeing to hang out with him. This was after sitting with him for 15 minutes consoling him about all his troubles.

    After that I just dumped him. He still tried many times to reach out for comfort, and still does every now and then to this day.

    Please don’t invest your time or emotions in this guy. I know you really want to help, but it’s a lost cause.

    Take care.

    #775386 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Girl,

    Get it together. Firstly, you should not be having petty jealousies with anyone who you are not actually dating, nor should you be available 3 nights in a row to any man who comes into your life who is not your boyfriend and even then maybe not.

    he dumped her over a triggering pet peave? AND HE WALKED OUT OF A RESTAURANT? Read that again. That is what he will do to you. Does that sound like a man capable of being in a relationship. NO.

    You just knew it would be special. Please read up on what excessive attraction means – it almost always means something bad – it is familiar, not healthy.

    Please get your own house in order about why this man is compelling to you at all.

    #775387 Reply

    Honeypie

    Was just getting ready to say everything tall spicy said. This is not your soul mate!! This is a hot mess from you and him. Petty jealousies on messenger before you’ve even met?? He lived with her for three months and he’s still in love with her? Why are you anywhere near this man? And you’ve spent three days and night’s together. Are You always this intense?

    #775389 Reply

    Anonymous

    The back and forth we have is mentally stimulating to me where other men fall short.

    Part of the reason we just hung out after a year of messaging on and off is because he was too all over the place for me. But me always turning him down made him come back to me every time. Hes an Aries and I’m a Capricorn which is one of the most explosive matches. There were so many red flags with him. I had a moment of weakness the other night and finally gave in and met him…

    I’m terrified of this whole situation because after meeting him face to face, I now know why I was so hesitant to move forward. WE’RE THE SAME PERSON.

    It can be said that all the red flags I see in him, someone could also see in me. I haven’t spent 3 nights in a row with someone in YEARS. I know how crazy this is. It’s like kryptonite to me. He’s like a drug.

    #775390 Reply

    Raven

    1 Word = Rebound

    #775391 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Oh honey …..

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP. Tough love time –
    A. Astrology has nothing to do with it
    B. YOU ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON. YIKES. Codependency much?
    C. He is like a drug. NO, that is the sex talking – even if you were not able to get liftoff. The hormones have got you good.

    Honey, please get yourself to therapy. This whole thing is so unhealthy, it is painful to read.

    If you are not meeting men you are attracted to and then you are only attracted every now and then. YOUR PICKER IS BROKEN. that is a red flag…..

    You are a rebound who makes him feel good. You are nothing to him. Tell him to call you in a year when he is no longer seeing anyone.

    #775392 Reply

    Anonymous

    He took me out last night with one of his good friends who just got divorced. He treated me with so much respect and let me give my input to his friend who said he really liked us together. When the night was over, he told me how much he enjoyed spending time with me and that he liked how I got along with his friend. That’s when he broke down and told me he still loved her. He keeps saying things like “Just stop worrying about it and spend time with me” and “I’m not going anywhere” and “You just have to give me time, I’m already getting a clearer head every day.” Would he say those things if he was planning on dropping me once he got his confidence back?

    I know it seems like I’m being blinded by lust, but the fact of the matter is, he hasn’t even made me orgasm yet. And when i look at him and think about him, I don’t really get physically stimulated, I see his eyes and crave more of his WORDS.

    EVERYTHING you all are saying to me makes total sense to me. Believe me, I’m not blind to the MASSIVE possibility that this could crash and f*cking burn, but is there ANY possibility that he could actually really be telling the truth?

    #775394 Reply

    Anonymous

    Not to mention, he asks me about my idiosyncrasies. He asks me about my life. He wants to know about me and what makes me tick, I can tell by the way he treats me.

    He remembers details about me that I don’t even remember telling him, and he follows up with questions when I say something ambiguous about myself. He’s showing definite signs of being more than friends with me.

    I’ve been confiding in my sister about it and from reading his texts and observing the situation, she’s a supporter of the idea that, yes I’m a rebound, but that the things he says to me make it clear he doesn’t intend on walking away.

    I’m ready to walk away from him if he is being detrimental to my life, but he hasn’t done anything deliberate to hurt me. The only thing that hurting right now is his honesty, and how can I be mad at him for that?

    #775395 Reply

    Khadija

    It sounds like he is desperate to have someone around and you desperate to find the one.

    He is hurting right now and seeking comfort and validation on your time.

    If you wan to hold on to hope so be it.

    Its only your heart and time on the line.

    #775396 Reply

    Ss

    You just are not getting it … as everyone has said above this is not at all the situation you have made up in your mind – this amazing romance that was meant to be, bloody star signs even! You are not talking sense. Forget his words and look at his actions. He is so devastated by his breakup with his ex that can’t even have sex with you … think about that… he cannot get it up to have sex with you because he is thinking of his ex. Why on earth would you want this?!

    I’m going to give you the same advice as the others above me- walk away. You dont need to burn any bridges in doing so. You just need to say that you respect his honesty and care about him, that when he has had time alone to heal you will hopefully be around but that the current situation is just not healthy for you.

    Please stop the big romantic story in your head – it is not real

    #775397 Reply

    j

    He has literally told you he is still in love with an ex. I don’t think it can get any worse. Stick around all you like, but you will get hurt. I dont know why you dont just find someone who is CRAZY about you. They do exist, you just need to be available.

    #775398 Reply

    j

    Yeah if a man couldn’t get sexual with me because he’s attached to another, I wouldn’t stick around. You must have zero self respect.

    #775400 Reply

    Anonymous

    UPDATE: he just unfriended me on Facebook.

    Thanks everyone for the advice. I thought some of you were being a bit harsh, and you probably could have been a little nicer about it… but DAMN YALL WERE RIGHT. and I knew you were deep down.

    Feeling a little empty inside. Don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.

    #775425 Reply

    Sophia

    “That’s when he broke down and told me he still loved her. He keeps saying things like “Just stop worrying about it and spend time with me” and “I’m not going anywhere” and “You just have to give me time, I’m already getting a clearer head every day.” Would he say those things if he was planning on dropping me once he got his confidence back?”

    Wow. Tells you this yesterday and unfriends you today.
    Clearly he’s a mess grasping frantically to try to get over her.

    You dodged a major bullet headed straight at your heart.
    Be grateful.

    #775428 Reply

    Better off single

    Take a break from him and focus on you.

    It takes 28 days to break a habit or get over someone. Maybe taking a month away from eachother might gain you both a little more clarity as to what you both want.

    #775437 Reply

    Anon

    The guy just does not KNOW his truth. He is still stuck on some other woman and afraid to be alone. He does not know what he wants.

    Dating is about slowly learning about a person. Not finding an emotional prop.

    If this guy comes back, and you “try” here is a little test for ya. Have a bad day, very bad day and ask him for some heavy lifting emotional support. Watch how he avoids supporting you.

    You are this dudes therapist. He is so afraid to be alone, he even needed you as a date. We do not make good choices when we are fearful. We grab whatever.

    #775441 Reply

    Let go

    If a guy i was into told me he still loved his ex i wouldn’t want to continue and whatever connection we had would disconnect. I would be so turned off because I’d feel foolish for even wasting my time and I would move on.

    #775445 Reply

    anon

    Never mistake a man coming to you for emotional support as a man who is interested in you. 2 things a man cant get from a man, sex and emotional support.
    A man needing emotional support can feel like love/a strong connection. The check on that is if it is two ways. If he supports you back? That is a good sign.

    But bring up something minor to a guy, maybe eh, I am a little worried about my parents or work has been rough. Ask for some support. If the guy who leaned on you pulls away, you have your answer.

    I can not tell you how many guys I listened to, advised, supported who left me high and dry. One guy who I helped thru a rough time ghosted when my mom died. He circled back later and was like “oh, it just seemed like a lot”.

    #775477 Reply

    J

    “Feeling a little empty inside. Don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.”

    Can you go to Youtube and search Numindframe anxious attachment type explained. I think this could be you. I think this could help you. She is brilliant at explaining this and it may help you.

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