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- This topic has 13 replies and was last updated 3 years, 9 months ago by
Vera.
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Vera
Hi all, I need some advice !
I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months. We have seen a lot of each other and even have said I love you to each other .
He wants me to stay over pretty much every night (when he doesn’t have his kids). But this was getting to be too much for me . I need some space and the comfort of my own bed . He did offer to stay at mine too but I said id rather sleep at his when I can .
The few nights I said I can’t stay over he would get upset and convince me to stay and I would.
He has said that the intimacy of being in bed ( not just sex) is important to him.
I understand that but I can’t stay with him every night . So this week we were together and at 11pm he said where are you sleeping tonight ? I said i am going home . I’d love to stay but I’m tired , I need some rest , it’s easier for me with all my things there , I need to work in the morning .
He got visibly upset . I said to him I love you and I care for you , and I’m just getting used to us sleeping together and I’ll get there. He said “let’s see what happens” like a threat to our relationship . I said I need you to not make me feel like our relationship is in danger bc of this . He said no it’s fine etc but was visibly distraught . I told him if we do weekends and Thursdays it’s easier for me . He wasn’t too happy .
The next day he wanted us to meet. When we met he was cold . Not affectionate . He started saying that clearly I’m not happy and he started listing all the ways he can’t make me happy (?) . I said I am happy what to you mean. Then started saying ohh there’s a reason behind you not wanting to stay over etc etc . He then started saying a bunch of other things – he feels his actions are not reciprocated , that I’m still living the “single life” (not true at all. He has whole weekends with his kids and I see my friends and sometimes go to parties it’s not a big deal ).
Anyways he said he wanted a break ultimately . It really hurt . I wonder if he really was just using me for the overnight . How could he blow up like this ?
I’m giving him space .
When he said that it seemed he wanted me to beg him to stay . I didn’t . Not sure what to do hereVera
Also I should note that I am very affectionate . I also bring up the future more than he does . For example the night previous , when I told him I can’t stay over . He asked what’s ideal , i said well if things go well , down the road if we move in together then obviously we would sleep over nightly .
So it doesn’t make sense he feels I don’t like him enough .Lane
Why can’t you be HAPPY you dodged a major controlling manipulative bullet? This man showed you his bad side pretty early, which is what you want and need so you can run like hell before you get in too deep.
Do not give him a second chance to treat you badly again. Take the “out of sight out of mind” approach. Binge on some ice cream and watch some comedies for a few days, and then keep reminding yourself that its not about being in a relationship, for the sake of being in one—its about being in a relationship with a good man who loves you to bits and treats you like he does every single day, for months, years, and if you’re really lucky, a lifetime :o)
Raven
Do what my Mama did with the hot skillet. She threw it out the door…
Ewa
He can’t accept your boundaries so it is time to let him go . He seems like he can’t take no for an answer. You’re lucky it’s only been 3 months
Maddie
He wasn’t just using you for the overnight, but he’s deeply insecure and controlling. Trust your instinct, he very likely did want you to validate him and beg him to stay. And your instinct told you not to do that, because that’s not healthy at all, so you rightfully didn’t. Like Ewa said, he doesn’t respect your boundaries, or your needs, it’s all about him him him. And like everyone said, you’re dodging a bullet here so let him go. A man ready to show up for a serious relationship doesn’t tell you everything is fine in the moment then throw a temper tantrum and deal with issues by taking a break / break up because something didn’t go his way. You can’t trust someone like that. It probably hurts now to end it with the whiplash he’s giving you feeling intense, but it’ll hurt much more if you continue with him!
AngieBaby
That’s not a “break” that’s a break-up and it’s a ploy to get you to do what he wants you to do. Emotionally unhealthy guy – everyone’s right, you’ve dodged a bullet. Guys WILL show their true colors within 90 days. Block him, grieve it and move on.
T from NY
I really hope you heed the advice from all the above posts. I’m frickkin proud of you for standing your ground all the times he tried to get you to do what HE needed or wanted, but you clearly voiced what your body and spirit needed (rest. your own bed. etc) Controlling men demand these types of things (I wanna see you all the time because I love you, I wanna call you all the time, don’t go with your friends because I miss you, etc) under the guise of caring for you. But his actions after you communicated your boundaries speaks volumes.
PS. Saying I love you 3 months in, and spending so many nights together is rushing it, in my opinion. Slowly allow someone into your life. There is no fire. Continue to trust yourself and let this one go gently back to the universe.
P
Listen to T from NY they always have wise words.
I went out with a guy like this. He pulled the same stuff on me, it got really bad before I finally moved on. This would have just gotten worse. Keep moving forward.
Eva
Girl, this is what manipulation looks like. You shouldn’t give him space, you should give yourself space from him. Permanently.
mama
In the beginning of my relationship, my boyfriend was like that too — wanting me to stay over every night. I wanted space and that it’s hard to get used to being with someone when you’ve been on your own for so long.
He responded with support and love. Told me he’d miss me on those nights but that it would make him look forward to the nights we DID spend together even more. Then on those nights he would do his own thing and not pester me. He didn’t give me a guilt trip, didn’t give me attitude or sulk, or tell me he needed a break. He didn’t manipulate me at all.
This guy is showing you who he is. Pay attention very carefully!
Sophia
I’d toss him a stuffed teddy bear to sleep with on my way out the door!
AngieBaby
Sophia, ROTFL!
Vera
Thank you all for your replies ! I enjoy reading your thoughts and your experiences . It keeps me strong to read them when I start doubting myself .
It is truly difficult to wrap my head around it with the seemingly sudden change in character but I’m staying strong -
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