This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lily 1 week ago.
October 30, 2020 at 4:56 pm #822651
I met this guy online more than 15 years ago and we met in person only twice before we started seeing each other more often this year. He keeps acting hot and cold. He usually texts me after we see each other and says he enjoys his time with me, and we chat and flirt all night, then the next day he acts coldly and sometimes disappears for a day or two.
He asked me twice if I want to get married and have children, and where I see myself in 5 years. We are both in our 30s and don’t know what we want, I am not sure if I want to get married and have children and he told me the same.
Last week he texted me after we went for a walk and told me that he likes me and he regrets that we didn’t try this since many years, and mentioned that he wants to see me more often, but is afraid he will lose me as a friend if things don’t work out with us. He suggested that we meet more often as he is off for a month. He texted me during this week but didn’t plan anything and was cold.
We were texting today and he told me he enjoys his time with me but he is not sure about his feelings for me, and I told him that I too love seeing him, but I am getting mixed signals from him and it’s confusing me. He said that what matters is that we like each other and he suggested that we keep seeing each other, and we can see how this develops.
We are meeting tomorrow but I am not sure if I should keep seeing him, as I don’t want to be with someone who is not 100% sure about me, and his cold and hot attitude is driving me crazy, any advice?
PS: Sorry if my English is not good, as I am not a native speaker :)October 30, 2020 at 9:19 pm #822682
Take 1 Giant Step back…October 31, 2020 at 2:12 am #822708
This guy has no idea what he wants but is asking you to stick around and be available for sex & attention until he figures things out. Ouch!!
Talk about wishy washy. This will not end well for you.November 25, 2020 at 5:20 am #827035
I am the writer of the post, we met the day after (which was three weeks ago), and then he disappeared again.
He texted me a few days later, and I answered briefly. He called later that week which he doesn’t often do, and he told me he was nearby walking with a friend, and asked if I was out for my daily walk and would like to see him, but I was already with a friend and apologized.
The next day, he texted me and said that he really wanted to see me the day before, I told him how did I come to your mind since you were already out with your friend? He told he hasn’t been in the mood the past 2 weeks and his friend came to his house and forced him to go out, and he said he was in the area where I usually walk and didn’t want it to be awkward if we bump into each other. I then asked him, what is happening with him and where he disappears, he apologized and said that his mood swings affect him a lot and make him sometimes want to distance himself. And then he said that he honestly has concerns that our relationship is not developing as it should, that he wants to have strong feelings for me but isn’t feeling it, and wants to see a future with me, he told me maybe we need more time or maybe his heart is closed and can’t let anyone in, and then said but what matters is that I am really happy when we are together.
I felt that this is not getting anywhere, which I already knew. I told him I feel you seem to be conflicted because you are not very consistent. And that I deserve someone fully into it. If you are ever at that place, I would love to hear from you, but in the meantime, I prefer that we stop seeing each other. He asked if I don’t even want to see him twice a month and go for a walk as friends, I said I prefer not. He then told me he is in shock and don’t know what to say, but if that is what I want he can’t do anything. I didn’t reply as I felt that there was nothing left to be said.
He texted me yesterday asking how I was doing and I answered that I was doing fine, he then asked if he did anything wrong, I told him not at all, I just asked that we don’t stay in contact the last time we talked and that maybe you didn’t get it, and when you texted me I felt it wouldn’t be nice that I don’t answer you. He only liked my message and didn’t reply which I understand.
Did I do the right thing cutting off contact with him, though we were friends before dating? I feel bad for him but I know that I have to cut contact to move on. During the past few days before he contacted me, I realized that I was focusing more on understanding what is happening with him and why he keeps disappearing rather than focusing if I like him as a person.
I started seeing a therapist last week, as I am I trying to understand myself better and work on my insecurities, as I figured out that I really I don’t know what I want from a relationship.November 25, 2020 at 6:48 am #827047
Yeah i think you did very well standing up for yourself like that and be clear in that you didnt want to continue. Also you adressed his flaky behaviour. So all good. He is the wishy washy one so i guess its not that weird everything drips down on him like water on a duck and he can just act like he its a new day. I would totally delete and block as i find it very annoying he didnt even hear that part you said. Good luckNovember 25, 2020 at 7:06 am #827051
Bravo! The thing you need to embrace is that having boundaries may not get you what you want in the moment, but by not abandoning yourself to situations that won’t give you what you want, you are open to finding it without distraction!!!
Proud of you! He is not a loss, staying engaged is a loss of your precious time!!!!!November 25, 2020 at 8:20 am #827058
Good for you! You absolutely did the right thing. He was being inconsistent and stringing you along with these weird half feelings ” I want to like you more but don’t” kind of cr*p and it was plain insulting that he expected you would just hang around and see if he changed his mind.
Well done for organising therapy too. Honestly you will feel so much better about dating when you are emotionally stronger because you will be less inclined to put up with wishy-washy flakes!November 25, 2020 at 11:22 am #827083
T from NY
This is absolutely the behavior of self love. It’s not reading inspirational quotes, or getting pedicures, or drinking wine and crying to a girlfriend (even though those things are all wonderful) – It’s about making HARD decisions about some guy you really like but INSTEAD of hoping against hope he’ll act the way you want him to, or invest in you in a way he never historically has – you get really REAL with yourself about what you need and then make decisions that will Increase PEACE, and therefore, the QUALITY of your life. You did that Lana. Great job!November 25, 2020 at 1:28 pm #827104
Lana, wow your follow up post is so refreshing! Good for you!
I would only like to add that you could stay friends with him later down the road when you have figured out what you want in a relationship and if you truly only have friendly feelings for him. If you do decide to stay friends, make sure that you keep yourself open to meeting and dating other men.November 25, 2020 at 2:49 pm #827123
Do not be friends with this man. It will drag you into hoping it will work out. He was never your friend.November 25, 2020 at 4:01 pm #827135
Thank you ladies for your lovely supporting comments.
I am now sure I made the right decision cutting him off and moving on. He was selfishly comfortable with keeping the door open just enough for me to have hope and stick around. I deserve more than being strung along and waiting around for him to make up his mind.