Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He likes me but is unsure about a relationship, how could I persuade him?
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Maddie.
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Leah
I am 24 (F) and he is 25 (m), both post grads at a university. We have been seeing each other (but never called it that) around once a week for about four months, which developed quite naturally from a friendship. We’ve met each other’s friends several times and he makes such an effort with mine. Tbh he’s such a gem, and I also can tell he genuinely likes me, especially in the last month. I tried once to ask what we were and he “doesn’t know what he wants” and when I asked any deeper he closed up and said he didn’t know. We’ve only ever kissed drunk, and I think it’s because he sees sober intimacy as a form of commitment. Just before Christmas after a very lovely evening I told him I liked him and that if he didn’t feel the same I wasn’t sure I could see him anymore. He again said he didn’t know what he wants or if he wants “anything stable”, and he also expressed that there was an “asymmetry” in what we feel, although he “of course does feel something or I wouldn’t have got so close to you,” but “according to your ultimatum we should stop seeing each other.
And now we’ve gone from texting everyday to nothing for 3 weeks. From the ways his friends have interacted with me (very positively), I’m not sure he’s ever had a relationship. I don’t know if he thinks commitment of any kind would be a massive time burden/commitment for him. He’s not a player at all, he has not seen anyone else in his 2yrs at the uni.
I think when posed with the ultimatum he gave the easiest answer but now I’m in a position where I can’t go back and re-explain that i did not mean a massive commitment and that once a week what we were doing is fine, or ask him what he doesn’t want and if we can discuss it, and what is he worried about because if things don’t work out they don’t work out but why not try.We have a mutual friend, and I was wondering if it might be a good idea to ask the friend to to encourage him to make up his mind and decide that he wants me. And what I should ask him to say- “bruh she’s so hot what are you doing” or to find out what the issue is and tell him a relationship is not a big deal and why not try and that he should text me.
Or whether I should ask him myself if he has thought more about it.
Or whether I should start from scratch and try and rekindle the spark we had.Tallspicy
This is one of the most sad posts I have ever read. So this is going to sting so you wake up:
How many times and in how many ways do you need this man to reject what you want? Words and actions he is already showing you he does not want what you want and feels pressured by the level intensity and discrepancy in interest. And when faced with maybe we should not be engaged… he did not say, I really care about you, can we still be friends?
You are being selfish and disrespectful to yourself and him by trying to convince him as if that is actually possible. Maybe, but gross. You want to convince someone to be with you? Where is yours self regard? Where is advocating for yourself to stay away from men who dont want what you want? You think he did not commit because you asked for too much, he did not commit because he doesn’t want you to ask for anything. It is not a negotiation except for you abandoning yourself to get someone who is not interested in both words and actions to be with you.
So you can see it: he rejected you by not asking you out properly, by telling you more than once he did not want something, he bailed when you expressed feelings and by only kissing you drunk. Yikes! Rejection rejection and rejection.
But this is not about him. He has been clear. It is about why on earth you dont walk away and insist he likes you. By 4 months he should be your boyfriend in actions and words, this guy is neither.
Liz Lemon
I agree with Tallspicy. You should never have to convince a man to be with you!
For whatever reason this guy doesn’t want what you want– and the reason doesn’t matter, because you can’t fix him. He’s made it clear he isn’t interested, so all you can do is move on.
Liz Lemon
I’ll add — a man can be attracted to you, but still not be in a mentally healthy place and ready for a relationship.
Women often think that just because a guy expresses some level of interest, he wants to date them. That’s not always the case. I’m not negating that this guy enjoys your company and may feel attracted to you. I’m saying he’s not in a healthy place for a relationship & clearly doesn’t want what you want. A man who wants to date you will make that clear.
Maddie
He’s not emotionally available for a relationship with you, and probably not with anyone if he’s in his mid-20s and never had one. You’re not going to change that. Chasing an emotionally unavailable man and hoping you can be the one to change him actually reflects emotional unavailability within yourself. Otherwise you would not be banging your head against the wall to plot how to convince someone to want a relationship, you’d appreciate his honesty because it allows you to be open to someone who wants what you want and doesn’t doubt what they want. I recommend you look into avoidant and anxious insecure attachment styles, since that will probably give you a better understanding of what’s going on here and why you’re stuck on chasing him. But as the other posters said, you should never need to convince someone they should be with you. If it’s about chasing and winning and not about an organic *mutual* connection, then you’re trying to choose the wrong type of partner for youself. Definitely do not get mutuals involved, that’s just prolonging drama and probably eventually getting other people annoyed, including the guy.
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