Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Have I been friendzoned?
- This topic has 16 replies and was last updated 3 years, 5 months ago by
Clara.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Aubrey H
Recently got back in contact with and old FWB. We haven’t spoken in over a year because i unintentionally ghosted him but just recently ran into each other and got into contact. Upon starting to hang out again, he mentioned that he is shocked at how successful I am and everything I have going on with myself and he really loves how confident I am etc and he regrets us not getting serious sooner. That night we kissed each other on the lips goodnight.
A few days later, at about 12am he calls me super drunk and tells me how much he wants to be with me and just all of these beautiful things and how i’m the one, and then his friend gets on the phone and is like “what did you do to him, he is so in love with you, you two need to stop playing games, and that he better be the best man at the wedding”. The next day, he texts me to meet up. So I’m thinking that he wants to meet up to talk about us getting serious and so he starts talking about his night and so I hint at the phone call. And he says “wait, I called you”
So I remind him of the call, and tell him everything that he said and he was in complete shock, saying omg I can’t believe I said that. I was like yeah so do you really feel that way and he says yes but then says that i am more of what he can ever ask for in a woman and that he is very attracted to me and so happy when we are together and that my success inspires him so much. But that he is a jerk and i am such a sweet person and he would never want to hurt me and he just has a lot going on that he has to deal with and he is so scared of getting hurt again (his ex cheated) and he’s scared that we get serious and then I just ghost him again. We just left it at that.
A few days later, he texts me if I can help him with something so he came over and I had already cooked dinner for myself so he had some and said that it was the best food he ever had and was like “wow that was amazing you are going to make someone so happy one day” and then winked at me. I just responded that I know it was so good i had two plates and laughed.
I’m just so confused, because I know by experience that when you’re drunk, the truth comes out. And the times we have been hanging out, nothing sexual, we’ve had such amazing times and we get along really well. He told his friends about me. I just don’t get it. How can you think so highly of someone and profess your love and then say “I’m going to make someone happy one day”.
At this point I feel like I like him too much to see him as a friend, so idk if i should tell him how I feel and then cut off contact or if I should just wait and go with the flow.
Newbie
He sounds super flaky and all words, no action. Im also not so sure drunks say true things.
I can imagine he likes you, but he is not doing anything real to date you. And then are his friends just bs-ing you too.
If you were fwb in the past and i never went anywhere i wouldnt burn that same stove again. Plus he says you are doing so great etc. That sounds nice and true but its also a sign he feels he is a mess himself. And he is saying that. Guy who say you are too good for me are usually right and its best ot back off.
It sounds now he pops in and out with some random stuff. So that does sound friendzone to me. I wouldnt bet money on this guyClara
Newbie, I disagree actually- OP, he sounds super into you. He just sounds like he’s probably young and naive and therefore shy about letting you know ( you both sound young.)
remember, you ghosted him making him even more unsure… i def don’t think you’ve been friendzoned, but the red flag to me here is wedding talk this early…. i just think you both sound like kids. if you were confident and secure in yourself, this post wouldn’t even exist. then again, i may be missing some major context here. feel free to share. I just don’t see this having a happy ending because you both seem a tad too immature for a relationship, but maybe that’s not what you want.
Liz Lemon
I agree with Newbie. If a guy tells you he’s a jerk and has a lot going on that he has to deal with, so he is not available for a relationship– believe him.
I think he does like you. But liking you and making an effort to date you are two separate things. He’s not making any effort. Flirting and then making suggestive comments about how you’ll make someone else very happy one day, is passive-aggressive behavior. And people say all kinds of things when they’re drunk, I wouldn’t take what a drunk says as gospel.
Again, I think he does like you and is obviously impressed by you. But he also has issues and is not doing the work to date you and court you. A guy who is relationship material makes his intentions clear and does not confuse you. It doesn’t sound like this guy is relationship material at this point. It has nothing to do with him being a nice guy, you two getting along, or him liking you. It just means he is not emotionally in a space where he can be in a relationship. He has told you as much.
So the question to me is not “have I been friendzoned”. The question should be, “is this going anywhere and should I be investing my time and emotional energy on this guy?” I think the answer is no. I don’t see this going anywhere even if you do waste time waiting and going with the flow.Aubrey H
Thanks everyone. Ugh I feel dumb I was def on the path to put him on a pedestal. Him and his friends probably had a list of girls they called that night. I just don’t get how someone can claim to feel someway but then switch instantly. I want to cut off all contact but I know if I do hear from him he’s just going to say “see thats why i didn’t want anything serious with you because I knew you would ghost me”. So its like a lose, lose situation.
mama
I’m sorry, but what!?!? What do you mean by “unintentionally ghosted him”? What does THAT mean? That might have a lot of reasoning behind his behavior now. You’ve shown him you can disappear, poof! and while it sounds like he likes you, it doesn’t sound like he trusts you much.
But aside from all that, maybe find a man who can show you how they truly feel without being three sheets to the wind. Just a thought. :)
T from NY
You have received some really good advice on this thread. I definitely agree that a guy being super into you, and making the actual effort and investments into courting you are two very different things. Men who act ga ga over a woman – but tell her he couldn’t possibly make her happy – are almost always correct because they’re basically admitting in manspeak “ya you’re so high quality, I know what kind of work it would take to keep you happy, and I ain’t the guy to do it”. Believe concrete, appropriate actions and consistent words not drunken admissions and minimal effort flirting. This would be the second chance you gave this guy to progress your relationship. He showed you the first time when he didn’t make you his girlfriend. I would step way back and refocus on yourself and other men.
Liz Lemon
“I want to cut off all contact but I know if I do hear from him he’s just going to say “see thats why i didn’t want anything serious with you because I knew you would ghost me”. So its like a lose, lose situation.”
He sounds manipulative and childish. I wouldn’t let him control the narrative here. You don’t have to make a dramatic scene of cutting off contact. Just fade away and stop being so responsive to his calls and texts. If he asks why you’re distancing yourself, you can just tell him upfront that you are looking for a real, solid relationship and he has made it clear he’s not in a position to do that. He told you straight up that he can’t. So it shouldn’t surprise him if you believe him.
Newbie
Yeah i agree with T and liz. What he is saying is he got so hurt from you not being available for casual sex anymore. Thats hmmmm. So dont let that keep you from walking away. There must be a reason it was a fwb situation and if youre already so impressed with a drunk phone call and some flattery words i think it was also him in the earlier situation who didnt want to progress. These guys are boys. If you are doing so great for yourself then take advantage of that in finding men who are also doing great and would love your company and support.
Liz Lemon
Good point Newbie, he’s basically hurt that the OP won’t have casual sex with him anymore! OP, you didn’t really “ghost” him because you were FWB, you were not in a relationship. And he never wanted a relationship, so don’t feel bad about walking away. He’s immature and he’s manipulating you. You’re better off looking elsewhere to find a guy who will commit to you, and tell you how he feels about you without needing to drunk dial, like Mama said :-)
Aubrey H
Thank you all. I must admit I am head over heels for this guy and I really hoped that we could make it work. I was hoping we would be able to leave the past in the past and start a relationship but I feel like he always only contacts me when he needs something and he recently asked to move in with me for 3 months because we live in diff states but he is permanently moving to my state within 2 weeks and needs a place to stay until he finds something. I told him yes in the beginning but deep down I feel like I am only saying yes in hopes of us starting something serious because I know in my heart that I cannot see him as just a friend.
Newbie
The moving in part is a really bad idea and counterproductive if you want something with this guy. You really need to read why men love b*tches and dont let this guy stay for so long. What if he makes a mess and you want him gone asap?
Liz Lemon
It won’t take him 3 months to find a place to live. There’s no reason you need to let him stay with you that long. Or at all!
You realize having him stay with you is a bad idea? It’s only going to mess with your head. You said it yourself, he only contacts you when he needs something; and you’re only letting him stay with you because you’re secretly hoping he starts something serious with you. But you know that won’t happen, right? This guy has been playing with you and stringing you along for a long time now. If he wanted to start something serious with you, he would have done it already.
Sorry if I come across as harsh but I think this is a horrible idea. I’m willing to bet you two wind up sleeping together eventually, and you will get more attached and emotionally invested and will want even more from him, and he’ll blow you off. And you’ll be in even more pain in the end. I hope you can find the strength to tell him to find somewhere else to stay. Doesn’t he have any other friends?
Aubrey H
Thank you all. Yes he has family and friends out here but he feels more “comfortable” in my place. I know its a horrible idea and I know I will end up hurt in the end. I will wait until he brings it up to to tell him that I don’t think its a good idea.
@Newbie
I just started reading the book Relationship Goals by Michael Todd to get some clarity. I will look into the one you reccomended to read next.Newbie
I can imagine its not that easy to switch off your feelings especially when he can be flirty and full of half baked promises. I would consider telling him the truth. That when he reached out, you realized you had feelings for him. But that he is sending you mixed messages, that dont give you much clarity about his attentions. So that you consider him moving in with you a bad idea. Something like that. You set boundaries but also give him a reason why. And he understands he must either step up or tell you no. I bet it will be an answer like: yeah bla bla bla bla but im not ready/now is not the right time/ i dont want to hurt you. Listen to what comes after the but
Clara
“Only contacts me when he needs something” = really bad sign. That goes for friends or someone you’re trying to date. The only relationship where someone would be contacting you only when they need something would literally be like a coworker in a different department who needs a work thing. Anyone you actually care about shouldn’t be treating you this way.
Please please listen to others and don’t move in with this guy! Every woman on this thread hates hearing this, but I think you should let him go entirely. Thanks T from NY for validating that yes, there is good advice on this thread. Good luck Aubrey- I can tell you when you are ready for and in a wonderful relationship there isn’t all this anxiety and analysis paralysis.
Clara
Not every woman on this thread, I meant every woman on this forum who posts a thread and has to hear those dreaded words “let him go.”
-
AuthorPosts
