This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Alice 5 months, 3 weeks ago.
August 1, 2020 at 8:26 pm #799130
What can I do? I’ve had a crush and think I’m falling in love with a married co-worker. I am single.
In hindsight, I see a lot of mixed signals from him like being in my office all the time for no reason other than “just to see me,” rubbing against me at social work functions and lots of teasing. He was not on my radar until it seemed like he was showing me quite a bit of attention.
One night 5 months ago we were drinking at a work event, and he told me he was so glad he was so comfortable with me. As the night went on I admit I was doing some heavy flirting, and he abruptly said, “this isn’t going to happen.” He took me outside and first said he loves me (but I can only assume he meant as a friend) then said he loves his wife. He said if something were to happen, he’d have to quit his job.
I promised him I’d back off, and had such a knot in my stomach worrying I had ruined this friendship. But it seems like things heat up again at times. He offered to help tie the back of my dress today, and then at a party, he asked if dirty talk made me hot. I should mention that I have very little relationship experience which doesn’t help. I do know that I have never had a man look me in the eyes the way he does.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just being played, but I’m so stuck on him. It’s impossible not to be working together in our office due to our positions (we are both on management team). Believe me I know this has disaster written all over it but one look at him and all my common sense disappears and I just start daydreaming all over again. I don’t want to hurt him or his wife, and I logically know I would just end up with a broken heart. It feels like quicksand some days.August 2, 2020 at 4:37 am #799190
It indeed has disaster written al over it. It sounds like either he is only physically attracted to you or he loves the extra attention. He is no relationship material anyway, since he loves his wife and his job and is not willing to put either aside for you.
Don’t do this to yourself. There will be other men looking at you in the same way, trust me ;) I bet it is hot, even more because it is forbidden, but you will be the heartbroken one, not he, nor his loving wife. But you already know this :)August 2, 2020 at 12:10 pm #799221
If it helps I’ve had crushes on married coworkers too. But there’s something about getting romantic attention from people who are taken… it doesnt hold value or appeal. This realization has largely nipped things in the bud for me. Plus I’ve had so much respect at 3/4 of my jobs that I could never jeopardize it with a fling.
I remember one stronger wrong-crush at work where I was terribly conflicted and sometimes even sweaty in her presence. I was on the verge of straight up confessing that I had a crush on her in a desperate attempt to get rid of the feeling. I felt powerless and it sucks. So I can empathize with you. Luckily, besides two disguised work conversations, I never acted on anything and things changed/faded with time. So that might be the case for you too? I personally didnt beat myself up for daydreaming about her though.
It was annoying sure but a colorful distraction. Ironically the nervous energy from the crush translated to more productivity at work. I’d even dress nicer. I even told two colleagues and it became a secret running gag. Of course in my case our paths occasionally crossed and I wasn’t working as close as you two. But mystery is the fuel of my crushes
As for what you should do, I know some girls have used social distancing as an excuse to reinforce personal space with someone. Or bringing up their wives/gfs in conversation. Sidestepping or ignoring sexual topics at work, or lightheartedly calling someone naughty and adding that wasn’t work appropriate topic and they aren’t answering it. I can’t say if these tactics will work but I do feel you need to set some boundaries instead of everything being (I assume) up in the air. You can’t control your feelings but you can control interactions.
I understand it’s tough times and meeting people is harder than ever. But that doesn’t mean your standards should lower. You seem rather lovely with a good head on your shoulders, and deserve genuine attention and love from someone who’s single. So stand up for yourself a bit more :-)August 2, 2020 at 3:05 pm #799243
He’s creepy & predatory…August 2, 2020 at 7:41 pm #799307
He just wants to use you for sex, nothing else.
MM will flatter you, make you feel special and then you start feeling all tingly inside. That’s how they superficially create chemistry with a woman.
This man is a predator and sees you as an easy prey. Shut him down immediately by having a talk. Tell him you don’t play around with MM and that he should keep his distance.August 2, 2020 at 11:31 pm #799334
T from NY
As much as there is temptation to lose your self in attraction and chemistry – the relationship you’re describing has no substance and will not nurture you. Every time he bats his eyelashes at you think about his wife. How would you feel if your man had a woman participating with him in this kind of behavior without you knowing? No need to beat yourself up. Just learn this – it is not a special thing to be some man’s side piece.August 3, 2020 at 10:49 am #799398
This is how humans operate as mother nature in her infinite wisdom decided to induce humans with a bunch of hormone’s that although can’t be stopped, they can be controlled if you put in the effort, like Anderson did, to do so.
Crushes are a natural part of being human too, as is the desire to be desired, so I’m not looking to bash either side because it often happens in places where humans are in close contact with each other.
I’ve had numerous secret crushes over my lifetime but I never acted on them, especially in the workplace because I know personally how horribly it can go, so I made a pace with myself in my early 20’s to never ever go there! I admit, I’ve had some playful fun with co-workers, even married ones where there was some light teasing but that’s ALL it was and if it started to go to far I shut it down pronto and kept it professional from there which is what you need to do.
You are in control of your emotions and need to use your *willpower* mother nature also provided you with as that’s what you use to change your thought patterns. I suggest having a picture of his wife and kids on hand, in a place that’s only visible to you. The moment you start to have a fantasy of him pull it out and look at them as that will become your focal point, not him. Pretty soon their picture will be burned into your memory and those thoughts will begin to subside.
Also need to set boundaries by no longer engaging with him in that manner. Just excuse yourself or remind him that you need to keep it professional from hereon as it could really hurt your careers and its not worth it. Another reason to end the crush is knowing how much you could lose professionally and financially by continue to engage in this. Keep it real.August 3, 2020 at 3:09 pm #799434
“…but you will be the heartbroken one, not he, nor his loving wife.”
Believe me, the wife will be hurt – and humiliated – and quite possibly unable to trust anyone again.
You will do irreparable damage to her.
His daughters – if he has any – will be hurt and will need therapy to learn how to trust any man enough to marry him.
You can try to rationalize it with, “If I don’t do it with him, he’ll just find someone else and do it anyway,” which is true.
It’s also true that you’re not the one who made promises to her like to forsake all others and keep yourself only to your spouse.
But he won’t be able to betray her in this specific instance without your participation.
But remember the advice you’ve gotten here if you let your crush progress to the point that you marry him yourself – and there’s another young thing at the office that’s eager to lap up his b*llSh*t about “I love you, but I love my wife, too.”
(And in case you haven’t figured it out, this guy loves himself -no one else.)August 3, 2020 at 3:33 pm #799438
Don’t engage further with this man. The whole reason MM start “friendships” with single/married coworkers is to see if an affair will develop. First the small talk, teasing, flirting to test if you have loose boundaries.
There are blogs galore online of women trying to break loose from the the obsession with being involved with MM. Some have been stuck for years.
Remain professional and cordial, but distant with this man. Have a talk if necessary. Go to HR if he persists on hitting on you. Please don’t interpret this as real interest in you as a person.
His motive here is FUN. You might say “sure I can handle it”. The fact you have spent energy on this site posting about it means – you are getting emotionally attached to this guy. Sure crushes are fun & they make us feel good. Don’t let it go any further please.August 3, 2020 at 9:13 pm #799487
This post makes me sad, because we live in a world where not enough women support other women. This is your chance to support one, to stop this because you don’t want to participate in inappropriate behavior with a married man.
His wife could be you someday. Would you want another woman allowing this with your husband? I’m not saying it’s your responsibility to keep him faithful, but it is your moral responsibility to say no to a married man. To tell him his actions towards you are unacceptable because he’s married!!
Wouldn’t you want that if you were married? Wouldn’t you want the other woman to say no? Do as you would want others to do to you. Don’t play with or entertain married men. You play with Fire you’re going to get burned. You do realize if he cheats with you it wont mean anything right? The guy can’t even keep his marital vows, doesn’t say much about him. In fact, you should consider that unattractive!
He’s using you for an ego boost and only sees you through lustful eyes. If you allow an affair to happen just know what goes around comes around and I’ll leave it at that.