EX reached out after a month. Why would he?


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This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ellen 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #779833 Reply

    Ellen

    My ex and i broke up a month ago. It was an extremely painful breakup, considering he had already checked out of the relationship a month prior, went from wanting to be with me forever to acting shady, lying, and caught him texting another woman etc. He never was honest with me about why his behavior changed, other than him blaming other factors and saying he wasn’t ready for a long term commitment. So that was it and I took myself out of that muddy relationship.

    I have taken time to grief and heal, it’s been pretty hard but I am holding strong. Today he called me and left a voicemail, after one month of no contact. He wanted to check in and see how I am doing since it’s been some time. What the actual f u c k? I honestly never expected to hear from him again.

    Had this relationship ended with more integrity,I would have more decency to respond and make contact. But because of how I was treated and how he turned into a completely different person, I just don’t I want to jeopardize my peace for his ego stroke.

    But I can’t help and think, why would he reach out knowing how badly he messed up? Or is he in some sort of denial? This was my first serious relationship so I never had to deal with ex stuff.

    Advice and input would be greatly appreciated <3

    #779835 Reply

    Better off single

    Maybe he feels bad and wants your forgiveness?

    #779844 Reply

    K

    He’s probably feeling guilty and wants to ease the guilt or is going to sniff around for another chance.

    Given that he cheated and the unpleasant way it ended, I wouldn’t respond and would block him on your phone and email and anywhere else he can reach you. Don’t let him get to you and don’t give him another chance to hurt you.

    #779852 Reply

    Patti

    He wants to test and see if the door is still open. He already told you he doesn’t want a relationship. He will reach out if hes lonely and/or horny. You are familiar territory. Unless he specifically says he wants to try & work out the relationship, I would tell him you’re moving on. Popping up after a month with a casual “how are you doing” doesn’t count.

    #779857 Reply

    K

    Also… things probably didn’t work out with the other woman he was pursuing. So he’s checking to see if you’re foolish/desperate/naive enough to let him back in.

    #779858 Reply

    K

    I’d be very, very wary of giving him another chance if he says he’s sorry, he made a big mistake and wants to try again. It’s only been a month. No one changes that fast. You have to keep in mind that giving an ex who screwed up as badly as he did a second chance is a tremendous risk and the odds are against it working out.

    I honestly wouldn’t respond since it’s only been one month. You’ve done the hard work of healing and moving on, don’t go backwards just because he yanked your chain.

    #779866 Reply

    Paige

    The woman he cheated on you with either probably dumped him or something else didn’t work out, now he’s crawling back to you. Men are so typical.

    And if you take him back, he is only going to be around until the next woman catches his attention. He’ll get distant and leave and the cycle starts all over again.

    But it doesn’t have to be this way if you don’t allow it. Block him if you have to, but if you grant him access, there is a super high chance that he’s going to hurt you again. Don’t take that risk. There are better men out there.

    #779867 Reply

    Ellen

    Thank you all for the inputs.

    If you notice on my original thread, I never said he actually cheated since I don’t know the facts. The woman he texted he eventually told me it was a friend from college and just catching up, she lives in a different city. I mean it doesn’t really matter since the whole thing was shady, but just wondering as to why you guys are immediately thinking it was cheating?

    I also assumed it was cheating as a self defense mechanism so that I can move the hell on, but to this day I don’t have any straight answers…

    #779868 Reply

    Goddess

    Classic male thinking of some men thinking something is better out there. Grass is greener. They dump you when there is some actual work required of them in a relationship. Like working through issues.

    I’m done with those types. They do tend to pop up after a few weeks or months when they dont find anyone or they get dumped.

    They are hoping you are still keeping the bed warm. Believe me if they left you, this is all they are coming back for. Some warn and fuzzy booty.

    Please move on.

    #779869 Reply

    K

    “went from wanting to be with me forever to acting shady, lying, and caught him texting another woman etc. He never was honest with me about why his behavior changed, other than him blaming other factors and saying he wasn’t ready for a long term commitment.”

    Those are all the classic signs of someone who is cheating and also you used the word CAUGHT him texting another woman. That’s why we all jumped to him being a cheat. And despite his explanation that you’ve now given, it still sounds off.

    #779871 Reply

    Khadija

    Do nothing and keep your peace.

    Things don’t miraculously change after one month.

    I agree with Patti he is checking to see if the door is still open.

    If a man isn’t begging for forgiveness, offering plus showing ways he has changed, then it is a waste of your time.

    #779873 Reply

    Honeypie

    I remember your original post. How agonising this was for you, and I applaud you for being so strong and walking away without contacting him.

    Are you second guessing yourself here with what your gut told you? He’s likely back because he misses you, but you don’t know what the place the missing comes from, not his actual intention.

    Could be he’s lonely, hit a low spot, looking for validation, or whatever he was chasing has ended, or anything- no one knows.

    It strikes me that he behaved badly towards you and relationship at the end, and you aren’t inclined to therefore be curteous although you seem intrigued.

    What do you intend to do about it? Do you feel inclined to respond ?

    #779875 Reply

    Ellen

    Thank you all for support, and for validating my immediate decision that there’s no going back. And he doesn’t even deserve any sort of contact from me other than silence. I am doing it for myself first and foremost.

    Today has been so hard as the wound opened up again and bleeding. Makes me feel like a piece of old clotting that you want to throw away only to go back to old stuff and try and keep it around for longer. The thought of the potential of him cheating on me during the relationship ( which is pretty likely) digs deep in my heart and my core as a person. I am afraid this will block me from real love in the future and me having no trust in men, which i am already there anyways.

    Moving from him it’s gonna be easier due to realization of the narcissistIc person he is. But moving on from the fact that I got taken for granted and got treated as a worthless feminine being is so hard and I am carrying this deep scar now. I felt deplorable in this relationship. And i feel as if so many men are like this and there’s no decent men out there.

    Is there hope for genuine love nowadays? Should I even bother?

    #779877 Reply

    Ellen

    Hi Honeypie, i was all over the place with the decision as to whether reach out or not. What kept coming up over and over again was every single moment of how badly I felt toward the end of the relationship and the icy And emptiness in his eyes while we were breaking up. There was an immediate anger emotionally, and a lot of physical tension, which just goes to show I am no where ready to talk to him let alone listen to what his manipulative mind has to say.

    I think I always wanted to know whether he missed me and thought about me, and now that I have the answer it makes it that much worse cuz you are now left with a bunch more unresolved questions.

    I know in my heart that I would feel 100x worse if I make contact and he just checks in for the sake of it and ego boost and then leaves it at that. The other alternative is that he wants to get together and is remorseful ( I highly doubt it). But even if that’s the case, I’ll never ever be able to trust this man again. So it’s best I don’t respond and just keep my peace and try to climb the 10 steps again which i worked so hard for the past month and now I am back to ground 0.

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