Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Does he have a point? Is he just moody? Or are we both to blame?
This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Peggy 11 months, 1 week ago.
My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year and a half. I’m a teacher and got a job closer to his apartment for next fall because we wanted to move in together. My bf quit his job in November when he wanted to of his own accord since he was no longer happy in it and wanted more time to have a life since it was very long hours. Because the job he was in paid a lot/he saved a lot of money from it, he has been able to live a long time without another job and could live on that money for a lot longer. He’s been home since December and we have basically been living together since the end of March. He’s being a picky about his next job and hasn’t asked me for any money. I only point this out because it’s relevant to what I’m about to say.
He’s never lived with a woman before (I’ve lived with a couple of exes) so I’m not sure if that’s a big factor here. I’ll admit that since he’s been home I’ve relied on him for certain things. He likes to cook and is good at it, so he does the large majority of the cooking. Also the last few months of my school year was more stressful than usual (my mom had multiple hospital stays which is not typical and I was getting in trouble for my attendance at work) and I was just trying to get through it. He’s not what I’d call a picky eater by default but sometimes when I approach him with meal ideas he turns his nose up at them. Example: How about I make fettuccine Alfredo? “Im not big on pasta a lot of empty calories”. He’s also been on a big fitness kick..going to the gym pretty much every day since I moved in as well. I go most days with him and think it’s good overall, but he eats bad when he wants (drinks at least 2 cans of beer every night for example) which doesn’t offend me because it’s about the bigger picture..my point is don’t be saying I’ll eat anything you fix if that’s not the case. He never suggests recipes to cook (I’m trying to cook different things for variety) and it seems an issue to try to even find something he’ll like. Example 2: I offer to fix a strawberry walnut salad which is healthy and I’ve never made before but eaten from places, he says I don’t know if that will be filling enough. It just seems like he’s nitpicking. I think it’s natural that while I was working and he was at home that he was doing more of the work at home because he was home 8-10 hours more than me. I feel like Ive tried to pick up the slack this summer even though I’ve been pot of the house more than he has and have been helping my mom out with her job search and her house. Sometimes I try to help him or offer to bring him a beer and he says he’s fine. I do as much or more laundry and dishes. But I feel very frustrated tonight as I feel like he was very hard on me about something small. I have had a migraine all day. I missed my new hire orientation for my new school district (it was fine to reschedule), but I was home all day in bed. I asked if he’d pick up some fast food for me since not much was sounding good and he did and seemed fine with doing so. I have done the same kind of thing for him when he was sick and would be happy to go that any time. Tonight when we were in bed I mentioned I was frustrated that the phone cord slid behind my dresser. We live in a small apartment and my dresser functions as my nightstand and although it isn’t the heaviest one to move it doesn’t feel great to move it when your neck or head is hurting…it’s annoying on a good night. Now I admit I should have just asked for help nicely if I wanted it, but he chimed in right away that I could move it if I wanted to. I mentioned I wasn’t feeling good, but he was just kind of a jerk about that he does it for me a lot. That I should do more things on my own. I can take a bit of that as constructive but at the same time why is it that big of a resentment to help someone for something small? Like I get not waking him up to do it..but he’d been up and down to go to the bathroom and get himself a snack and we were watching a movie that neither one of us had that much interest in. I guess I just would like some feedback on the situation. We get along pretty well for the most part and I am still taking time to go see my mom and friends even though we are together a lot. He’s more of a lone wolf and I think he’s socializing less with his guy friends because he doesn’t have another job yet.
I can only imagine it will take him some time to adjust to living /sharing his space with someone.
I think it is pretty normal to argue about little things as long as you don’t hold onto it.
Is he planning to go back to work? does he not have any childhood/school friends to go out with?
You’ve been posting about this guy under different names ever since you started dating him. This isn’t meant to attack you, but you’re supposed to use a consistent name when you post here repeatedly.
Your last post was around Christmas and was under the name Victoria I think, you were freaking out because you felt your guy was not ready for marriage and was not planning to propose. In that post, you indicated that you’re not really on the same page financially, that he doesn’t approve of your relationship with your mother, that you live (or lived) with your mother, and a slew of other issues. You have severe anxiety around this relationship by your own admittance (and you met this guy less than 2 months after your former fiance threw you and your mom out of his house at Christmas….so you didn’t take time to heal after that traumatic relationship end). This guy is younger than you and has very little relationship experience, I recall. You had the feeling that you and him are not really on the same timeline as far as marriage and kids, hence your anxiety in your last post. I remember other posts of yours too, I won’t get into them but I do recall very clearly that you have a history of posting here about issues with this guy.
Again, not attacking, but trying to provide more context. You won’t get good advice if people reading the post don’t have the background.
Ok, so in a normal healthy relationship, sh!t happens and you work it out and let it go. I have an example, this past Monday I had the day off work and my bf didn’t. We were texting while he was at work and joking around, and he took the joke too far and upset me. I told him that what he said was hurtful, and he immediately (within minutes) stepped away at work to call me and apologize. We talked about it for a few minutes and I pointed out why it was hurtful, and he understood and apologized. I accepted his apology. That’s it. We moved on. I’m not over here 3 days later obsessing over what it means for our relationship.
Sometimes people are insensitive jerks in relationships, it’s how you handle it and address it that matters. So this whole issue with moving the dresser and what he said, etc– is this how he normally treats you? Are there deeper issues here? Or was it a case of him being a jerk for just a moment, but he’s normally a good guy who makes you happy- if that’s the case why can’t you let it go?
I get the sense from your multiple posts about this guy that his treatment of you causes you major anxiety. That he’s nitpicky and often resentful (your previous post about your mom and Christmas comes to mind). I have told you in my previous posts that it feels like you are desperate to orchestrate a certain outcome with his relationship (i.e. marriage), and he may not be the best guy for you. Other posters have told you the same. So really, I can’t answer your question of whether he’s moody, or whether you need to do more things for yourself, because I don’t know either of you. But I don know that you come to this site often with a lot of discomfort and anxiety about this relationship.
Ashley I’m a bit confused about what you’re really seeking advice on.
Is it cause he doesn’t appreciate what you cook? Is it because he’s unemployed and home too much? Is it because he wasn’t sensitive about your migraine and left you to get your cord behind the dresser? Is it your mom and school?
It’s a bit all over the place. And reading what Liz Lemon said (not sure if you really are that Victoria) but there seems to be a lot going on here.
But I second this paragraph that Liz wrote.
“Sometimes people are insensitive jerks in relationships, it’s how you handle it and address it that matters. So this whole issue with moving the dresser and what he said, etc– is this how he normally treats you? Are there deeper issues here? Or was it a case of him being a jerk for just a moment, but he’s normally a good guy who makes you happy- if that’s the case why can’t you let it go?”
Tell us truly what you’re having problems with. Do you deep down feel that the relationship isn’t working?
In regards to ‘insensitive jerks’ don’t put up with that sh!t… Life is too short to be miserable!
All you need to say to him is “get present” because complaining means someone is not present.
I’m sure it’s the same poster. (I can’t remember if she posted as Victoria, Amy, whatever, I know she’s used different names and has posted at least half a dozen times here). I remember the details, just because she posts very long and detailed posts, and has been doing so for a year and a half. There is a lot of anxiety and rumination behind her posts.
Again, not trying to attack here, but knowing the history, I think this relationship has the OP walking on eggshells a lot of the time. That comes through in this post– the cranky nitpicking about the food, being a jerk about helping the OP with the phone cord when she’s been in bed all day with a migraine. It’s not treating the OP with love and care. If you feel genuinely loved and cared for in a relationship, you aren’t anxious and ruminating over every little interaction. If I’m wrong OP, please tell me.
I don’t get the bit about the meals. Since he does not like your suggestions,why not just ask him what he would like to eat…simple and to the point! Or leave him to get his own food when he is being grumpy.