Do you support total transparency?

What they’re doing is definitely unconventional and slightly risky but I like it. How long have they been together?

I’m transparent like that my sister who lives in the same city, and my best friend who I’ve known since a child. I yearn for such trust and transparency but I sure as heck am not premature in giving it.

The only part I don’t like about those two is how contrived the sharing has been. I’ve never shared a password/info just cause. It’s always been for reason and then stayed because I trusted the person. Even if they’ve not been with each other for 2 decades, sometimes you just know a person well enough. I pride myself in being an exceptional judge of character. Even with my ex of 3 years, she knew the password to my phone and uni alumni email. As well as my bank balance. Would’ve been other stuff but there was no point.

Let’s hope in the case of your son and fiance, they both are acting on each other’s character or values instead of emotion.

There a ton of things a couple shouldn’t share immediately after marriage. Assets prior to marriage come to mind easily enough, that’s why there are prenuptial agreements. Then there are personal things like details of past sexual partners which don’t ever need to be revealed.

Anderson, they’ve been together about 5 years. I think it’s this new age millennial thing. In my day it was a big deal to fall backwards and trust that your partner would catch you! LoL

I think this is the sign of the times due to all the ways people can be *sneaky* with technology without their partner being aware of it.

I personally wouldn’t go that far because I do believe their also needs to be a level of privacy even if you’re in a committed relationship, especially when it comes to pre-marriage accounts/property/inheritance that are left solely in your name and/or for the benefit of another, such as one’s children and don’t want them co-mingled as it can become legally messy if you do. Joint is obviously acceptable of course.

I do however believe you shouldn’t be afraid *to ask* if you think something fishy is going on, such as a partner intentionally hiding one’s phone, or computer screen from another, where I am of the belief that if you have nothing to hide, then you have no reason to hide it. I am an open and transparent person in general but I do feel compelled to control my privacy too, especially when it comes to the internet, phones, healthcare, personal accounts, etc. as I don’t want to be tracked by unknown sites/people no differently than I would want to be tracked by an SO/husband. If you don’t trust me, then don’t be with me—its as simple as that!

Warasen, you’re spot on about it being a new generation thing. Came across a person the other day known for funny/controversial quotes: “We are living in a generation where people in love are free to touch each other’s private parts but are not allowed to touch each other’s phones because they are private.”

Shoshannah, to answer your Q. In general, I’m more private and cautious than the average person. But I’m transparent in several ways with a serious partner, and it adds to the intimacy. It just feels good. I’m sure some of my emails or whatever have skeletons from X years ago but I’m not afraid nor ashamed. Okay maybe a little ashamed :( But chances are I would’ve already casually disclosed various details to a serious partner, verbally, past and present. It helps that the people I shared this info with werr mature enough and not the type to snoop looking for dirt or anything.

Thin line between respecting someone’s privacy and wanting to hide things. It’s about the confidence and sincerity that you have nothing to hide. Rather, you may have something questionable to hide but won’t. Perhaps sharing of accounts is suitable for potential life partners instead of serial monogamists. Of course this doesn’t mean your partner is constantly watching over everything you do and keeping tabs. That’s not how it works nor its purpose and interpreting it like that would of course sound suffocating for anyone. If I’m reading an article or book or in a phone call and someone wants to eavesdrop, you’re going to get quite the glare.

Obviously there is an element of risk or naivete in doing this but so do many other things. So far I haven’t regretted it (albeit very small sample size). A spouse/ex who really wanted to take revenge, defame or destroy you wouldn’t need your email or bank account to achieve that. I sure wouldn’t ;)

There’s probably many other reasons such as such transparency keeps me accountable. But botton line, two people can be happily married, and some really are today, without being or needing that level of transparency. So it’s not for everyone. But it would be for me.

I think y’all are kind of paranoid and missing the obvious practical issues.

A man I work with had a stroke and was hospitalized and remained in a coma for 8 weeks. His wife couldn’t access anything – his phone, computer, bank accounts. She couldn’t notify people and couldn’t transact family business. On top of the distress over his illness she was massively stressed out because she couldn’t lay her hands on phone numbers or email addresses she needed not to mention couldn’t access funds because his paycheck went into his account before he transferred to their joint account. (Yes he’s OK and yes they have powers of attorney in place now.)

For these practical reasons my BF has my phone and computer password as well as my main email account and my FB account too. I have his. Wouldn’t’ occur to me to check up on him, although we have an agreement that our lives are open books and the other is free to look any time they want to. It’s a great sense of trust and a great sense of freedom. I like that I”m that close to him.

If you’re a “private person” then this level of access would bother you. But in my book, you can’t have real intimacy while hiding or keeping some things from your partner. I don’t think it’s as big a deal as you’re making it out to be. To answer your question, yes I support total transparency when both parties are on board for it.

Thanks Anderson. I see that it’s better to agree to have open access to everything than snooping, of course – but I still think it’s best to do neither. It reminded me – my ex partner, it turned out during the break up, was checking my browser history throughout the whole relationship, behind my back. His reasoning was that he wanted to check my porn fetishes, but I call it BS and of course, he was seeing tons of other stuff too, anything that I would ever google search, whose profiles I check, which forums I go to and so on. Never mentioned anything, so I had no idea about this level of control for 6 years. We were breaking up when I found out anyway, but now when I look back I honestly think that this was a sick relationship and I still feel suffocated when I think about him. K, thank you for the explanation too, sure, if it works for you, then great. Personally, I don’t feel the need for full transparency to feel intimate.

AN FYI to all… it can be difficult to impossible to get social media accounts disabled if someone dies. Not pleasant to think about but personally I don’t want my FB page out there after I”m gone.

Also, a friend of mine recently had emergency open heart surgery and her BF was able to post to her FB account what happened and the updates so all her friends knew because he knew her login information. It was a great help to her and a great relief to all of us her friends. He otherwise would have had to go through her phone and her email and try to figure out who was who… which would have been time consuming… and yes he has those logins too.

I know it’s hard for some of you to imagine, but for me and a number of people I know, trading access with a trusted significant other to phone computer social media accounts is not a big deal. If someone I’d been dating over a year wasn’t willing to share that information I’d be very curious as to why not.

I’ve never once looked through any account of my BFs and if I had questions I’d ask him face to face, not go through his accounts behind his back. He has an ex texting him lately, I know he’s long done with her and I’ve told him I’m uncomfortable not because I don’t trust him but because she knows he’s with someone else and she’s playing games. He said he asked her not to text any more because he doesn’t want me to feel uncomfortable. I know he’s good for his word. Technically I could go look at his texting history and see what she’s said… he even handed me the phone and invited me to look and I said, no I trust you’re handling it.

But… I’m not into blind trust. He’s earned it. And I’ve earned his trust. I also trust my instincts. If that were to change as I said I’d talk not tap into his accounts. I know he feels the same.

Great discussion on all viewpoints on this topic.

At the very least this post highlights the need to make sure someone has your back in an emergency.

K– just an FYI- FB has a feature where you can give someone control of your account in the case of your death. I can’t remember specifics, but I know I did it (several years ago), because I made my sister the person who would do it for me. You probably have to send FB a death certificate, or something, but they will give the person you designate full control of your account (including the ability to delete it). I assume the feature is still around.

Warasen that was exactly my point. It’s definitely a good idea to talk to your son if you’re concerned.

I never met a couple that did this but i have read it on this forum a few times where couples did it before marriage. I think it can be a good idea in for instance identifying minor issues that can become bigger issues later on. So you already have a heads up on how to deal with this together. Seeing the divorce rates i would say it can maybe help to stay on the married side of the statistics. But sure its bo guarantee to anything and i feel like your son and fiancee are beating rhe fun out of it a little bit. But thats probably their character

Haha Yeah that doesnt surprise me at all. They will probably start working in insurances later on