This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by tammy 1 month ago.
March 6, 2021 at 3:00 pm #847815
This is going to be a long post so here goes. BTW, this was my longest time I dated someone. I’ve never been in a real relationship, even though at the time I considered this one.
We met on Tinder during the first wave. She was really worried about covid so we did a few online dates at first and then in person masked outdoors. It was fun. I thought we had a connection. I kept the online dates creative and we still could do stuff outdoors during the summer. That was when we would hang out the most and longest at a single time, maybe 3 hours. We eventually would try to meet once a week (only for an hour or so) or just hang out online. Winter made it hard. We couldn’t do anything else unfortunately as the second wave hit and everything closed down. I was really worried it would get stale and would be impersonal and difficult to connect beyond the initial attraction since all we could was walk around while holding hands or talk on video chat. I still wasn’t sure where she was at or how much she actually liked me. But she seemed excited to see me in some way and kept dating me exclusively for months (covid style – no sex) and texted everyday. Everything was stretched and we never had a chance to have a deep emotional or physical connection. We would be meet sporadically and never for long. I really hated dating this way. When masked, I could barely see her (glasses) or hear her. It difficult to really connect for me. I prefered online, but then I couldn’t hold her hand or see her in person. It was tough for me cuz I really liked her. I saw a future with her. I would constantly flirt with her and she seemed into me.
So 4 and half months in (which was a long time, but as I said before everything was stretched), I asked if she wanted to meet unmasked and invite her over since we didn’t know when covid would be over. I said I would isolate myself for her. I laid my feelings about her. I said the way we’ve been dating is weird and I wanna get intimate with you. She said “yeah, I know what you mean, its been…(didn’t complete the sentence), I wanna get closer with you too”. I saw that as a sign of interest and that maybe she thought covid dating was weird as well. It was a huge risk for her and she agreed to talk to her family about it, but said we could only do it for a few weeks since it would be christmas and she needed to be with more family.
The following week I asked if she wanted to watch a movie at my place. She came over finally but told me after she came over that she had to leave early. I kissed her then for the first time. We were watching a TV show when her eye had an infection so she had to leave. I wanted to hang out in person to have chance at a strong connection but she was at my place for a total of 45 min. It was not what I wanted. This wasn’t going to change anything. It was barely anything. But she was still fine and good when she left.
This was when things got a little wierd. I texted her again if she could come over. She said only during the afternoon before work. She had a long commute which was another reason why she had to leave early or could only come at noon. Anyway, this meant she could stay for around an hour. I was upset and I texted her that I assumed she wanted to intimate and so far we barely hung out unmasked. I asked her over text if she wanted to stay the night. She said that was a bit of a jump since we just met unmasked and that with covid, work, and winter, the next two months were going to be really hard and that it wasn’t fair to me. She said we needed to talk about it in person. She was going to come over anyway before I asked her to sleep over, but I was worried about what she was going to say. I said no worries, I don’t mind taking it slow. She comes over again and I immediately talk about my feelings more and tell her I was serious about her, wanted a relationship, and wanted to call her my girlfriend at some point. She was smiling and looking sweet throughout this. I then said that the last time we met was too short and asked if she could spare 3 hours at least for once unmasked, even during the day, since it would be a while again since we could do this. I was worried she would have an impression of this based on short time especially since there would be a break after. I basically pleaded with her and suggested all these options about what we could at my place. She told me she would try but she couldn’t unfortunately due to she issues with work timings and distance and that she need to see extended family soon as agreed. I kissed her before she left but I realized I never really got to hear what she had to say. She didn’t tell me anything but was still interested in my life. She was still in a good mood. She even seemed dissappointed that she had to leave. She was only here now for 1 hour. It seemed to go well but I wasn’t confident. I didn’t text her for 5 days after and but then SHE texts me like normal. I’m like ok thats good.
A week later I ask to see her again. She says she can’t cuz of covid and christmas family. But I say I need to give her christmas presents and that we can meet masked. She seemed so excited for that and then said she had something for me too. We met masked and exchanged presents. She was really excited about hers that she opened it at work and texted me about it. She never texts from work. When she gave me mine she said multiple times that she thought about me when she saw this. Seemed like she put some thought into it. When I asked her if we could meet again after the break, she yeah with a slight maybe. But when I said if she wanted to ice skating, she said yeah!
We text during christmas break like everything is normal. After new year, she starts texting less, but I thought maybe that was because she had a new more busy work schedule. A week later, I ask her for a virtual movie. She seemed excited for the movie based on texts. We meet online and she ends it. She said its been impersonal. I said if we could take a break or something cuz I assumed it was all logistics. She said didn’t wanna hang on to something that “may or may not happen”. I asked when she started thinking of this and she said new year, which was 2 weeks after I met her last and 4 weeks after I met her unmasked for the first time for 45 min. I got her hot sauces for christmas and asked her to rank them. I asked her on the break up call if she liked the sauces. She said she ordered them and took a picture. Anyway, I was really shocked by this. She saw how I upset I was and said maybe we can be friends. I said I don’t think I can do that.
A day later, I asked for another call to talk. She called me on video chat again later that week. She then said “I don’t feel the same way about you and I don’t know why and I’m worried that it’s not gonna change and if it doesn’t I’ll just hurt you later”. I was even more shocked by this. I thought it was all logistics (covid, work, distance etc). She maybe its cuz of covid cuz we haven’t been meeting up often. I said yes of course. I told her it gonna get easier from now on. That I can come to you more. That we were just getting started. That we just met unmasked. That we connected throughout covid when it seemed impossible. That its been really hard for us but we were making really slow progress. But she kept saying “I have this worry in my head that it might not change”. I even said we could go on a hike soon and have half a day to ourselves and that then she would know. Yet she kept repeating the same point. She even said she was gonna move closer to me eventually but still was done with me. I didn’t get it. I asked if I did anything wrong or if I pushed her too hard, she said no. Later that night I texted her saying that I wanna end it on good terms. She said that I was really sweet and she was sorry about everything.
How did she go from agreeing to meet unmasked to ending it with less than 2 hours of masked time? WTF happened? Who dates something for that long without going to the next step in anway and ending it the moment we touched? Was I bad kisser? It killed my self esteem thinking it was something physical. She seemed fine after I kissed her and even held my arm when I was walking her back. Or maybe it was the way I pleaded with her to come over for longer after that? I was never angry. I’m not the most alpha guy and I made sure she know my personality early on. I’m a little nervous sometimes. On our last talk where I said I wanted a relationship and more time, I was a little desperate. Was it my confidence? Why text me first after that? Did she know to end it right then but only was nice to me during christmas with the presents and all? Was it actually that she was worried and didn’t wanna take a risk since I was already so committed? That it “may or may not happen” and she was worried? Or did she find something about me that made her lose interest? Or that she couldn’t gain interest? She kept using that “worry” word and I felt like she was telling the truth. But why did she change her mind about me in the middle of nowhere? Or was it the way I acted? Did she like me before and not like me after? Did she never like and was always on the fence? Why be excited for christmas presents from me? But say no to meeting me again until I said I wanted to give her presents? Was it actually covid? Did she not wanna meet me for those 3 hours I asked for due to real logistics or that she didn’t feel the same right then? After 2 hours? Why agree to come over again after the first time? Did she actually start thinking in the middle of the break? Or was it right after I asked her to stay the night and she said we have to talk. Or was it AFTER the relationship talk? How could things have changed to suddenly within 2 hours? We texted almost everyday for 6 months. After I asked to isolate myself for her and she agreed to meet unmasked, we met each for a total of just 5 hours with only 2 of those unmasked during a month and half. I thought maybe it was that she couldn’t feel a stronger connection, but that was clearly due to covid and that fact that she only came over for 2 seperate hours. But she refused any of break and didn’t even wanna give this the benefit of the doubt after 6 months of covid dating. I wish I could have asked her what she was going to say when she said that we needed to talk after I asked to sleep over. If she was gonna end it then, that was only 45 min of unmasked time. But she was still gonna come over before I asked her for that, so idk. Since it was stretched, I have no idea at what point she actually decided I wasn’t the one. It was wierd to go from wanted to hang out unmasked and then not wanting me at all, especially when it was a while before we met and the break up. It could be that she decided early and didn’t wanna do it during christmas. She told me she was thinking of it after new year, but Idk if she was thinking of it then or decided then. It makes no sense. The fact she was pretending to be excited for the movie before the break up is now more confusing because I now have no idea idea when she actually decided and when she was just pretending to be nice to me. If I knew when she changed her mind about me, it would make it easier, but thats so hard to pinpoint since there were so many mixed signals throughout and too many breaks in the middle of very few meetups, unmasked or otherwise. Idk if she got bored of me, or if she didn’t like the way I kissed, or if she felt my confidence was lacking, or that she really didn’t know as she said. And the timing of it makes everything so much worse for me (think about dating someone like that for so long and she ends it the moment you touch, even if the kiss wasn’t the case) since I have no idea when she realized and for that reason why. It was so reckless of her to do this for 6 months and judge this within 2 hours. But Idk what she thought. Or if there was something else and it was just about me. Also, why rank the hot sauces and take a picture of it. That was AFTER we met last. She never sent me the photo, but that was strange since she broke up with me two weeks later.
Now I’m wondering if I could try this again with her after covid ends and if she’s single. I feel like logistics were such huge factor and it was unreprentative. We could barely touch for so long or hang out in a normal setting. I just wanna get coffee with her, which we never did. To show her we could work together. This whole thing was wierd and I feel like it would have worked without covid. But idk if she feels that way because idk why she ended it so quickly after I met her unmasked and asked to be in a relationship. I saw her on the apps again a month later during covid. I know everyone is going to tell me to move on. But I just wanna know if theres a chance. I’m not going to date during covid anymore. It sucks and it hurts too much. I left my country to visit family for a few months and I’m thinking of getting in touch with her somehow once I get back and everything is back to normal.March 6, 2021 at 3:55 pm #847819
I didnt read all to the end, sorry, mainly because to me it looked like she was never really committed to make it work. I cant really understand why she kept going along, maybe she was shy to end it, hoping she would feel something or didnt have anything else to do during covid times.
To you i would say, chasing is fine but you have to look up frequently to see if there is any effect. I think you didnt. You kept going without letting her say or do much so to me you sound very overwhelming. Maybe the right girl will like it, but i would feel a bit smothered to be honest.
And then your question: no, dont try again. If she had been into you, you would have been a couple now despite covid. But you are not and i dont think its in the future.March 6, 2021 at 5:12 pm #847834
I think you should drop it and forget about her. Covid is an excuse after that much time. If someone wants to make things work even in these circumstances, they can make it happen. I don’t think you did anything wrong, and it’s more likely she wanted some companionship and connection during the pandemic. It’s a scary and isolating time! But she wasn’t really looking for more, and didn’t make that clear enough (or thought you’d pick up on cues which is also a cop out, adults should be straight forward and not expect mind- reading, but they’re often not).
Let me give you two examples though:
I met someone right before covid really hit. We met in person, got on well enough, though it was a really weird time because we already knew big changes were coming with the pandemic and were both stressed. We met again outside and distanced, things seemed to be going well. He then asked if we could switch to virtual since we were starting lockdowns, and I said sure. We had weekly virtual dates and things seemed to be progressing nicely. Talked openly about the pandemic situation and what level of contact we could have while still being safe and mutually comfortable. We eventually switched back to outside meetups — but never even kissed. Finally, around the 3 month mark, he admitted he was still actively seeking out new women and had just met someone in person he felt way more attracted to. So most of the distancing was an excuse after a while, he just really liked my company and didn’t want to tell me he wasn’t that into it. (Things quickly didn’t work out for him with that other woman, either, surprise surprise, and I ignored him when he reached back out.)
I met my boyfriend not long after. We had the same obstacles, actually more because my boyfriend lives much further away! We dated virtually for a couple months first to figure out if we connected and could trust each other, then totally isolated for a couple weeks so we could meet safely in person. We talked constantly during the virtual dating, and hit it off just fine in person. It was very organic, no confusion or anyone unevenly pursuing, we both liked each other and wanted the same things so figured out how to make the logistics work. We’ve had times where we can’t see each other due to covid concerns (ie Christmas because he was spending time with family), and still have virtual dates to supplement when that happens. But it’s night and day compared to when I dated that first guy who kind of was making things harder not easier for us in a way. With the first guy, there was still confusion about where we stood even though I was matching his level of effort, and it’s because he wasn’t into it enough and was masking it with convenient excuses.
Romantic relationships shouldn’t be difficult in this way. I’ve had lots of bad ones that were, because I accepted people’s potential over reality and I made excuses for them. You deserve better than that. Find someone who matches your effort, wants the same kind of relationship you do going into it (ie for starters, someone looking already for a boyfriend instead of casual, then you see if you hit it off and are compatible), and is consistent not confusing. If you’re having trouble with all that, you may want to take a step back and work on feeling better about yourself and more comfortable being alone first. That will make you less anxious about these situations and allow you to listen to the other person and really hear what they have to say rather than pushing for something even though you’re meeting resistance.
There’s nothing wrong with you that put her off, you just weren’t a good match and can find a better one once you’re feeling open to new women again. Dating during covid is tricky and can be frustrating… I really only enjoyed it with my boyfriend and not the other men I met before he and I made things official. But don’t let this one situation put you off totally from trying to make new connections if that’s what you really want. It is learning from trial and error until you find a good match. I’m much, much happier after so many months with my bf than I ever was with that first covid-dating guy, and not worrying about why that first guy wasn’t feeling it (though I was upset for a little bit at first, of course) was a much better use of my time.March 6, 2021 at 7:11 pm #847849
She was never really in, sorry…March 6, 2021 at 11:49 pm #847896
I really kept my distance because I didn’t wanna smother her. I kept it casual and I only pushed it a little at the end. So she just was never communicative? She would say she wanted to get closer throughout and that she wished we could not do covid dating. You’re right she wasn’t clear about anything.March 6, 2021 at 11:53 pm #847897
But my biggest question out of all of this is why agree to take the massive risk of meeting unmasked and even talking to her family about it, and then ending it the moment we met. I assumed since she agreed to take that risk, she liked me enough to do that at least. She was genuinely worried about covid. It was all very sad. I thought maybe she was always never fully there and wanted to feel more, but then why only spend 2 hours before ending it after taking that risk? Or I thought maybe she just immediately changed her mind about me as soon as she came over. idk.March 6, 2021 at 11:56 pm #847898
So basically she just wasted my time and was playing along?March 7, 2021 at 12:00 am #847900
Btw, she even got me a birthday present and did a video chat with me on my birthday (offered to) 3 months in, which I saw as a sign that she liked me. I didn’t take her seriously until then.March 7, 2021 at 1:20 am #847913
I don’t think you’re going to get much advice here about why she acted the way she did, as we don’t know her. Best guess is she was on the fence about whether she liked you as just a friend or as more, trusted you enough to check out how it would be in person, still wasn’t into it enough romantically to engage in future risky meetings during covid, and didn’t want to lead you on further which would be actually wasting your time at that point. That doesn’t mean she didn’t like you as a person (like in my example, the first guy liked me and wanted to stay friends, he just wasn’t that into me romantically). It doesn’t need to be all or nothing thinking, liking you only as a boyfriend or not liking you as a person at all. But she doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you… so it doesn’t really matter the reason. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want the same things you do, and you never want to have to convince someone to be with you, especially so early on.
Focusing on her, overanalyzing, won’t get you different answers or change how things played out, which is what you’re trying to do. Your posts seem to be looking for the “magic answer” for what you can do to reconnect and ease your anxiety, to change the outcome to one you like better, allow you to feel more in control. This doesn’t sound like a situation that would change in different circumstances, pandemic or not. I’m sorry this happened and I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I hope you can mourn and then let go of this situation, and focus on making yourself happier on your own for a while. That’s the path to feeling better and not letting what happened with her define you.March 7, 2021 at 4:31 am #847942
I just feel so hurt and felt like I wasted my time with this nonsense covid dating. When she ended it the moment she met me, it was hard not to feel inadequate and have low self-esteem cuz I thought she just used me and that I turned her off so fast. I wish we didn’t date during covid, so it might have ended much sooner. Or maybe it would worked out idk. That’s where the pain comes in. It was a really long time for someone to say what she said. That’s something I usually say to girls I don’t feel for within a date or 2.March 7, 2021 at 4:35 am #847943
met me unmasked*March 7, 2021 at 11:31 am #848012
You put a huge emphasis on the meeting unmasked as youre as ugly as the bellboy of the notre dame and she couldnt face you. But thats just in your head. She could have met another guy the day before that and decided to give that a try. You really dont know and making yourself insecure about it, is a waste and shame of your time. This girl wasnt feeling it. Thats all. If will happen more you know. Just let all this thoughts go if you can. Soon covid19 will be some sort of flu and hopefully makes off line dating easy again. So thats right around the cornerMarch 10, 2021 at 7:20 am #848612
i dint read till the end. but its obvious that she wasnt into you right from the start. she finds you nice and likes you. but thats abt it. i dont think she ever acted as if she was really into you. and it also comes across that you acted very clingy and needy. and kept pushing it and pushing it. you made your interest in her very obvious and kept chasing her despite getting lukewarm response. i think you shld stop over analyzing and wasting your time over her. she didnt ever look as if she was that into you. let her go and try meeting someone else.