Cooparenting is this weird ?


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tallspicy 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #939514 Reply

    Olga

    I’ve been with this guy since May , his daughter is almost 14 and he has split with his wife in 2016. Him and his ex wife , you could tell they still hate each other , he told me that she did some weird things in the past , like damaging her daughter’s passport to stop her from going on holiday with him and his now ex.
    Anyway last weekend he asked me if he could stay with me as his ex wife maybe coming down to stay at his house to see their daughter (his daughter wasn’t allowed to travel to see her as the school doesn’t allow it, long story ).
    I told him I think it is a bit strange , what I meant is him allowing his ex wife to spend a night at his place but he thought I meant strange for him to stay at mine. So this weekend came and the 3 of them are staying at his house . I am seeing him this afternoon.

    I am not sure if this is normal or weird ? In a way I am glad they are sorting the issues and are there for their daughter because I did feel sorry for her in the past as they couldn’t agree on who supposed to have her and when ( this hasn’t been settled in court ) but at the same time it seems a bit weird to me.
    This is the first time it happened since we’ve met and I am not sure what to think about it.
    Thank you

    #939515 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I don’t quite understand. You’ve been dating 6 months, since May, hasn’t he spent the night at yours yet? Why would he think it weird to stay with you? I don’t see why that miscommunication even happened. You could have just said, “of course you can stay at mine”.

    And he and his ex hate each other, but are staying together in his house? That doesn’t add up, to me. It’s good that they work out their issues, but it’s quite intimate to stay in someone’s home. Maybe he’s exaggerated how much they hate each other?

    I’d be uncomfortable with this, honestly, just because I don’t quite understand what’s going on. The situation doesnt add up.

    He could have offered to pay for a hotel for his daughter’s mother if anything, so that she could see her. But to have his ex stay in his home is a bit much (even if she is visiting their daughter).

    #939516 Reply

    Olga

    He just said my response was like he wasn’t welcomed to stay and tbh maybe it was like that because I couldn’t understand why she needs to stay at his place so I didn’t even tell him he could stay.
    They get on OK now most because of their daughter and I know she wanted to spend a weekend with her mum so I guess that was their only option.
    Since his ex wife found a new partner she has been a bit nicer towards him but I can tell when they talk on the phone etc that they still can’t stand each other. I think he is just pretending for the sake of their daughter and also I think it’s more convenient for him because his daughter would rather spend time with her mum not him but he’s got the custody…

    #939517 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    It’s unusual for a mother not to get custody. Courts almost always give custody to the mother, unless she’s unfit somehow. Especially if the child would rather live with the mother, as you say. Do you know the circumstances behind the custody decision?

    There’s nothing you can do about the situation now. I don’t blame you for being uncomfortable however. I wouldn’t like it if I were in your shoes. Yes, I understand it’s for the child’s sake, but it’s recreating a family dynamic that no longer exists (and honestly may be unfair to the child, what if they play happy family for the weekend and it gives her hope that her parents will get back together?).

    I don’t necessarily think there’s any funny business going on, you say tbe mother is partnered so I assume she’s not trying to get back with her ex. (Never mind that they dislike each other, my bf had a very bitter divorce and he and his ex still dislike each other strongly– nevertheless when I met him 5 years ago, she was trying to convince him to reconcile– it happens). I’m not saying that’s happening in your case. I just wouldn’t be comfortable with the situation for the reasons I stated. I still think it would have been more appropriate for the dad to offer to get a hotel for the mom for the weekend, although I understand that costs money.

    #939518 Reply

    Olga

    He has the custody because his work offered boarding school funding and I got the impression that his ex kind of wanted him to have the child , because of his job he was away a lot so she was on her own most of the time raising her. I remember few months ago she went away for a month with her partner and my bf complained that she doesn’t spend time with her daughter and her response was : know you know how it feels when you were away all the time.
    I think there is a lot of resentment but they are somehow trying .

    I agree it can give false hope and the mother also sometimes gives ideas to her daughter knowing that my bf wouldn’t agree . And then she says but he has the custody so it’s his decision. Like she is trying to turn their daughter against him.
    I also know because i obviously spent some time with his daughter on my own that she is old enough to know that they never be going back together. I have a feeling that she’s seen enough of their arguments to know it won’t happen .

    #939519 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You posted about this guy earlier this year right? I remember the teenage daughter, boarding school, ex wife not having custody & the parents not getting along.

    As i said earlier, there’s nothing you can do about this particular situation, what’s done is done. If you find yourself regularly feeling uncomfortable with this guy’s relationship with his ex wife, that’s something to seriously consider. His ex will always be a part of his life since they have a child. She’s not going to go away. You have to decide of you can live with these types of situations & how they make decisions as parents.

    #939520 Reply

    Tallspicy

    He asked you if he could stay with you, so he would not be in the house with her. That was the important part. And if he stayed with you, it was not unreasonable for her to stay at his house. Your brain on logic ladies. He did exactly what he was supposed to do. There was miscommunication which can be solved with next time could you. Stop making this harder or more dramatic than it needs to be.

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