Blowing hot and cold


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This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Stacey 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #788469 Reply

    Stacey

    Hi everyone,
    I have been friends with a guy for nearly 3 years, I have always liked him but either him or I have had partners.
    About 6 months ago, he broke up with his GF after she cheated on him, he confided in me and I supported him through it. When we were speaking one night, he told me he had feelings for me. I know he is still in contact with his Ex, although he tells me he has definitively ended things with her, I’m not sure why they are still in contact and I can’t help but wonder if he is hoping things will work out between them and i am some sort of back-up plan.
    I’m not sure how to go about this, if i should just be clear that I would rather know if he is thinking this way or just back off completely?

    #788470 Reply

    Stacey

    Sorry i meant to add that he now seems to have gone cold and not contacting me so much, with the lockdown, we are unable to see each other but I cant help thing that if he did have real feelings for me, he would stay in touch just as he did before.

    #788474 Reply

    Khadija

    Did he ever take you on an actual date?

    #788475 Reply

    Tallspicy

    You learned a valuable lesson, which never be a mans therapist.

    It sets you up as friend, not romantic partner. You clean him up for someone else. You supported him through it, fine, but again, that kills attraction.

    If he is still in contact, he has not even begun to heal. Which means his feelings for you will feel like a conflict.

    You need to pull back very very far. If he asks why (which might not happen as he is already pulling back), I suggest you are truthful

    Bob, over the last months I thought we had developed feelings for each other, and I would love to pursue that. But right now, you seem to be conflicted because you are not very consistent with me and you are still in touch with your ex. The reality is for me, I deserve someone fully into it. If you are ever at that place, I would love to hear from you, but in the meantime, I suggest that you heal and move on. Wishing you every great thing and health!

    See what happens. If he says I really want it, then say, it is not ok with me that you are still in touch and we discuss her often, it is distancing to us being together. What are you going to do stop? And then he either does not stop, does stop or gets a therapist. Then you see how committed he is to this.

    But my guess is he will say, you are right, I also wish you the best.

    #788479 Reply

    Andrea

    Usually when a woman becomes a therapist for a man not her boyfriend or husband, he gets better and then goes looking for someone new who is not a reminder of his rough patch.

    #788482 Reply

    T from NY

    What Tallspicy (and the rest) said. All day long.

    Don’t contact him. Let men lead always. Cultivate your will of iron and armor of self love. For real.

    #788532 Reply

    Stacey

    Thank you everyone – You have said what I feared but i will pull back and if he asks, will do just that.
    Like we hear so often, a Man will be ready for someone he truly wants.

    #788730 Reply

    Stacey

    I received a message from him this morning, nothing of note really, certainly nothing to reassure me he still has feelings for me, in fact he even said he found an unread message from me from over a week ago whilst he was looking for something! Group chats apparently pushed mine down, I honestly don’t know how he thinks that’s not hurtful to hear he wasn’t even actually thinking about me or wanting to reach out!
    Anyway, he said his dog died, normally I of course if anyone said that to me I would say how sorry I was but can you all reassure me that I’m right to still ignore his message, not even reply with how sorry I am and that I hope he is ok?!
    Just need some strength and reassurance I guess.
    Thank you

    #788732 Reply

    Newbie

    From what you said you developed feelings for him but so far acted more as a friend. So he doesnt know youre doing no contact. So i would text him youre sorry and to take care. And leave ot at that. Since he is barely contacting you past weeks, you already know he is not serious. He probably had rebound feelings but still has to deal with the break up

    #788741 Reply

    Jo

    I agree with Newbie, text a sympathy message but don’t leave the conversation door open with a question and don’t engage further if he follows up with “how are you?” or similar. He may be trying to manipulate you by sending a message you’re unlikely to ignore as a pre-cursor to starting a conversation.

    #788742 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Whoa! This man in no way manipulated her. He Took what she gave willingly. This is not a bad man, this is a woman who doesn’t have any boundaries and doesn’t understand how to create attraction and compatibility that is based on healthy things. That’s on her not on him. She thought if she kept giving that he would be grateful and that would make him like her more. The lesson is you give to healthy people because it is then reciprocated, not unhealthy people because they don’t know how to reciprocate. Let’s not demonize him and actually let’s not demonize her. He Took what she gave willingly, or should have given willingly. This is not a bad man this is a woman who doesn’t have any boundaries and doesn’t understand how to create attraction and compatibility that is based on healthy things. That’s on her not on him. She thought if she kept giving that he would be grateful and that would make him like her more. The lesson is you give to healthy people because it is then reciprocated, not unhealthy people because they don’t know how to reciprocate. Let’s not demonize him and actually let’s not demonize her.

    She just needs to extricate herself from the role she’s been playing that she chose to do. That does not mean being unkind or cold. It is standing in her value as someone who deserves reciprocation. She can do it I have faith and that she can find someone else who is more healthy and will show up for her.

    #788743 Reply

    alia

    Yes, I believe it would be really cold to not express sympathy for his dog dying. You can do a show fade from there on out. Busy yourself with other things. This guy is a bust.

    #788745 Reply

    Jo

    At best he’s confused.

    #788753 Reply

    redcurleysue

    If he broke up chances are he is talking with other girls to pass the time. Give him wide berth.

    #788783 Reply

    Stacey

    Thank you everyone

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