Am I wrong?

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  • #942569 Reply

    A guy I matched with on a dating app shared a reel with me. The reel said that only women and dogs are loved unconditionally, however a man is only loved on one condition that he can provide. I feel it’s a very inappropriate reel to share with a woman you are going to meet for a date. Why share pity me reels? If I start sending men reels like women suffer at the hands of men so much, will any man feel like going on a date with me? It’s just weird. Wat do you feel about this?

    #942570 Reply

    I am scared he might be suggesting that i pick up the tabs while dating him because he doesn’t want to “provide” lol. Or am I wrong in assuming that. I mean i anyway don’t want to go out with a man who feels women are mooching off men’s money and they shouldn’t expect him to provide.

    #942571 Reply

    I mean I am not expecting him to provide for me. I am not looking for anything from him at the moment but it feels like he wants to make things very clear from the very beginning so I will just say I am not interested in meeting him.

    #942572 Reply

    Update: he just sent me another reel which said tag a person starting with the name “l” to treat you with noodles. Umm it’s cute but it has got me wondering lol.

    #942574 Reply

    Sorry for posting nonstop but I would like to know what are the dating etiquettes when it comes to picking up a bill after a date. Should a woman split, or offer to pay or she should just sit there and see whether he picks it up or not. I hear a lot of men nagging about how women come to dates for a free coffee and food.

    #942575 Reply

    If you have a date set, cancel it & throw this one back into the pond…

    #942576 Reply

    i would say he has issues as in he has been used before . You have to realize that dating for men is hard to because if you go on a date with many women as he should , it can become quite expensive. If i was a guy and had to pay for someone I barely know I would not be dating haha
    But I think it is ok to offer to pay your half ,if he says no, please gracefully accept it , instead of arguing with him and insisting on paying.

    #942577 Reply

    He told me he hasn’t dated around a lot. Has little experience.

    And sees one woman at a time.

    #942578 Reply

    And thanks for that tip. I will offer to pay my share. That sounds fair.

    #942579 Reply

    Raven- hahaha yes I cancelled the date. It was on Thursday after work. Now he’s back in the pond

    #942580 Reply

    I agree with all the comments so far. It’s normal to do a little dance where you offer to split the bill on the first couple or few dates and usually the guy won’t let you pay anything yet since he wants to impress you. Although bring enough money / only order what you feel comfortable paying for on those dates in case he does accept! Sometimes if I offered to split, the guy would say that he wanted to pay but since I offered I could pay the tip if it was a pricey place (in the US, since we have tipping). Or if we were going somewhere else after for a drink or dessert I could cover that next round instead. That was okay with me, or I wouldn’t have offered.

    A guy leading with misogyny (these videos) even if he thinks or claims it’s a joke is a bad sign, so it’s good you tossed him back! You can trust your instincts, especially when you haven’t actually met the person yet. I used to cancel meeting dates from apps if I got any bad feeling at all about them prior to the first date, even if I couldn’t quite explain it, and I don’t feel like I ever missed out on anyone worth my time by doing that.

    #942582 Reply

    Hi Love,

    I think he just wanted to spark some conversation with you about date etiquette, expectations.. instead you asked us ! I agree it’s like a tango to know who should do what.

    Just keep in mind :
    – usually the one asking the person out is treating that person to a date
    ie. even with my platonic friends, we take turns paying for the tab so there is just one bill and it’s easy because it rotates

    -don’t go anywhere you cant pay for the full tab just in case things go sour

    -yes, going out can get expensive. No one said you have to go for an expensive meal. There are other activities that you can spend time together and get to know each other.

    – find something more in common to talk about

    #942584 Reply

    It kind of sounds like he had a bit of a chip on his shoulder. Dating is hard enough without going into with a defensive mentality. Its good to read that you cancelled.

    Etiquette for paying for a date depends on you; everyone’s a bit different. I usually assumed whomever does the asking to pay. However while I appreciate a man to pay, but never expected it. I will pay for my part if he’s amenable. My former bff thinks and expects a man to pay at all times. One time she got to a date before the guy, ordered a couple of drinks assuming he would pay when he got there — the guy never showed up and she couldn’t afford her own drinks! She was in her 40s! I had to venmo her some money. The second time she did it I told her to ask her mom. We aren’t close anymore, lol

    Anyway, I always thought the basic premise is whoever asks the other out should pay, but everyone is different. Always assume you will be paying your own way for anything.

    #942597 Reply

    Maddie, my experience has been very different. Whenever I offer to split the bill, the guys always readily accepted that lol. It looks like nobody was trying to impress me lol.

    And also, generally i end up paying more than what I ordered for. Because we would just half the bill. When he would have had 7 more drinks than me, 2-3 more dishes than me. And I am talking about an expensive date. I don’t want to sound cheap but if I ordered one drink and burger. I want to pay for just that. But how do you say that to your date without coming across as cheap?

    The only dates where the guy has paid are those where i don’t offer to split it.

    #942598 Reply

    Maybe it’s a cultural or age thing? I’ve always dated in larger US cities, so the guys aren’t necessarily treating women well overall but either have to try to be impressive early on due to other competition in the dating world or due to their own egos if they had successful careers… so they would usually invite and then pay for the early dates without complaint. If you’re getting flaky or bitter guys who want to split down the middle which ends up meaning you’re covering most of *their* bill, you may need a better way to filter your online dates before you meet them. Get a better sense of their values, attitudes towards women, and what they’re looking for from dating sites, like you did with this guy.

    Another thing you can try is instead of saying “split” you could say you want to cover your share of the bill and if they say yes just put down cash for your order before they say anything else? (I’d always bring some cash in case I wanted to leave a date quickly and not share payment app info.) I don’t think you need to worry about being cheap because in that situation I imagine you’re not so worried about having a next date with them anyway. But I’m also not someone who thinks it’s cheap to cover just your portion when others have ordered significantly more, though that is something that does bother some people (which goes back to it giving you information about compatible values).

    Sounds like your experience has been different than mine so YMMV, but that’s how I handled that stuff as it came up. I only ended up stuck with an entire bill once, when the guy forgot his wallet. He was very “embarrassed,” and conveniently never reached out again to pay me back lol.

    #942600 Reply

    I don’t offer to split on first dates. I want to see how he handles it. But I also only accept coffee or cocktails with appetizers dates for the first date so it’s not expensive. I make sure my part doesn’t exceed $30. I’ve seen women here feel insulted because she offered to split on the first date and he accepted and my take on that is, well then, don’t offer if you’re really expecting him to pay.

    Maddie has some good ideas about how not to get stuck subsidizing someone else’s meal, because that’s not fair either. I once had a first date with a guy who admitted he was unemployed and living with a friend (not at all what his profile said). We’d met at a very nice restaurant at his suggestion. (This was before my no dinner date rule.) He ordered an appetizer, entree, dessert and a couple of drinks. All I had was a burger and a Coke. The bill came and I pulled out money to cover my part. The look on his face was priceless. He thought I was going to offer to split or pay. Nope. If you’re unemployed and ordering that much, you’d better have money to pay for it. Not my problem.

    I’ve had two instances where guys “forgot their wallets.” Met them both online. The first one shows up and we’re about to order and he says, oh, I forgot my wallet at home and I didn’t have time to leave work and go get it. I lost all respect for and interest in him right there. He could have borrowed money from someone at the office or rescheduled the date. That’s just rude, showing up unable to even pay for yourself and assuming the other person will cover you, especially on a first date. I felt like it was a test. I paid for one round of drinks and then politely removed myself from the situation. He contacted me the next day and asked me out again and I said no thanks, I don’t think we really connected. He asked if it was about him forgetting his wallet and I said, honestly that was part of it. (The other part was I didn’t find him attractive, not my type at all. Looked a lot different from the photos he posted.) He got very angry, called me a gold digger – so it was a test – and I had to block him to stop the abusive emails.

    The second instance, I was meeting the guy for a gallery opening. We met in front and then started walking towards the door and then he said, oh I left my wallet in my desk at work. Another test. I said, oh, I’m sure you’ll want to go get that right away, shall I meet you inside? He looked really taken aback and said, yeah OK. Guess what – he never came back. I paid the big $12 to get in and enjoyed myself.

    If a man invites you on a date, the most you should ever be responsible for is your own part, and I’m old fashioned but if he invites me out I do expect him to pay. Just as if I invite him out I expect to pay. Testing someone a man doesn’t know by making a lady subsidize their meal or claiming to have forgotten his wallet to see if the lady offesr to pay is lame and I’m not interested in a man who pulls that trick.

    Sorry, I got off on a story telling binge.

    #942601 Reply

    No angiebaby, it was good to read your stories. Don’t be sorry. :)

    #942655 Reply

    Just an update: i had cancelled the date with this guy. But I gave the reason that I am just looking for friends and he is looking for more so we aren’t compatible. He admitted that yes he is looking for a serious relationship. And he said that he won’t bother me again as he felt very nice talking to me and he might just catch feelings. As in he said that he is not a crazy guy, he knows nobody falls in real love by talking over the phone a few times, texting and looking at someone’s Instagram, but he said he just felt a connection. I said it’s totally ok if he wants to protect his heart and stop talking, I am cool with that.

    He didn’t text me for a few days. But then he texted me again. He said he’s okay being friends as his heart says I am a good person. I said okay fine let’s be friends.

    Now he’s asked me for a coffee and movie. And i told him I have moved away from his city for sometime, no timeline, so won’t be able to meet. He said that I am not too far away, he can drive till there. I said okay.

    But now umm my heart is melting a little. He’s kinda sweet and is respectful of my wishes and is putting efforts. I am umm feeling good that he is coming over. Not saying I am catching feeling gs or anything. Just feeling good to be treated this way, with respect.

    #942657 Reply

    are you really out of town or you just saying it so he leaves you alone?
    men can say anything they want over text , because they know women love it , women get attached to text messages, men don’t.
    I don’t know , one date won’t hurt I guess , just go for a coffee and see how it goes.

    #942659 Reply

    This guy isn’t looking for ‘friendship.’

    Don’t get into his private vehicle. He’s a stranger. Do not let him into your home, he’s a stranger.

    #942668 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    I don’t think it’s sweet at all, he sounds creepy. Any stranger that tells you he’s not crazy….is probably at least somewhat crazy. His weird insistence that his heart just “knows” you’re a good person, is also creepy. His insistence that you meet, when you have said you don’t feel that you are compatible– creepy.

    Raven is right, he is a total stranger, do not invite him to your home or get in his car!

    #942669 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Also- you don’t know that he’s “sweet”. If you want to meet him, that’s fine, please do so in a public place. But remember he is a stranger, you don’t know him. Don’t project qualities on him that you don’t know are true.

    #942671 Reply

    Raven and Liz nailed this one. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not invite him to your home! Meet in public if you must meet this guy, have a friend know where you are going to, and check in with them after the date.

    Personally, after your update I wouldn’t want to meet this guy at all. You are not compatible and I think he’s after only one thing. And if you invite him to your home that’s what he’s going to think he’s getting. You don’t connect through Instagram pics or through texting. He’s giving you lines of b.s.

    #942672 Reply

    Listen to the posts to be careful and put your safety first! This guy started off by sending you a misogynist reel, now is sweet talking you to change your mind even though you’ve never met in person and are strangers and you already said you’re not romantically interested. Red flags waving about his low respect levels for women!!

    #942674 Reply

    Oh wow. This just makes me realise that my ex was similar. He also insisted too much in the beginning although I was interested. And slowly slowly I started melting thinking he actually likes me as he is so persistent. And it all ended badly 5 years later. So this is my pattern maybe. I need to stop dating people who are being on trying to get what they want.

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