When to ask what they're looking for

It is never too soon to ask a guy what he is dating to achieve.

I usually start that conversation very very early. I start with asking what they want out of life in general. Interestingly enough the guys who are looking for a long term relationship will volunteer that information as part of what else they want. They will say something like, “I want to own my own company in the next five years, complete graduate school, win the world series and have a wife and children by the time I am thirty five.”

If they do not volunteer about marriage then after they finish speaking I will prompt…”What, no wife and no children?” and then I let them talk….

Easy Peasy

“Do you think it’s ever too soon to ask or do you just feel things out and see where they go?”

What are you looking for?

I know I want. I want to settle down long-term. I want it because, while I can do most anything alone, there are many things I do better partnered. I want to help someone do these things better too.

And because I know what I want, I am not going to “feel things out” or “see where it goes” when I want to find out what a man wants. I am going to know what he wants by the second date. And if he wants to “feel things out” or “see where it goes” I will wish him well and forget him entirely. I will forget him because people who want to “feel things out” tend to:

– Not know what they want;
– Not know why they want it;
– Not want to put in the effort for a lasting connection;
– Not know if they are in a good position to share what they want.

It is perfectly fine not to know what you want from dating. It is perfectly fine to experiment. That is how you learn. That is how you grow. That is how you justify your beliefs. But you need to use that experience to actually figure out a purpose. Find out what you *do* want, and getting there will be so much easier.

I see a lot of women, and men too, become infatuated with a particular person only to end up on a merry-go-round together or in a one-sided relationship. Why?

Because they have zero vision. When they “feel things out” they look at someone else to tell them what they should want. If they have values, they are not touching base with them, because this person is in the center of their universe.

This is irresponsible and not fair to the other person. Much to less yourself. The *only* way you will know what you want by looking within yourself, checking in with your needs, and finding health ways to satisfy them.

So I would encourage you to have this conversation early and most of all to be clear about what you want.

You’ve been talking for a few weeks? God, you are patient. I meet for coffee after a week of messaging.

You want to date for a few months before getting into a relationship? Exactly what this type of “dating” will be? If you date, you meet, when you meet, things develop.

If I like the guy, I want to meet him very soon, if there is chemistry and he passed all my little “tests”, I would ask him very soon about what he wants. But I agree that do not ask too directly, not to come on too strong. But it is smart to ask and a smart man will understand and even appreciate it.

If he is “looking around” and “seeing where it would go” then definitely you’d know to stop things and focus on someone else. If, however, you would keep on “dating for months” with this guy, then you’d be wasting your time, would you not?

Ok, so we’ve been on at least 6 dates. Our time together is absolutely wonderful. I like him a lot but nervousness to ask what he’s looking for. Is it too soon ?
Will I seen over anxious .

Honestly, asking a man what he’s looking for doesn’t mean he wants it with you. I have good friends who are ready to get married, really want to ‘find that lady’ but haven’t found the one they want to go there with yet.

The thing you want to avoid is dating a ‘time waster’ and will need to date guys who are FULLY READY for that level of commitment. The BEST WAY to approach it is to be very direct by telling a what YOU are looking for, such as “I’m dating for the sole purpose of finding a partner to marry and eventually have children with”. Then see what he says. If you scare a man away then you weeded out a time waster.

Men don’t date to get INTO relationships, they date and will only get into a relationship with a woman who knocks their socks off—you are the only woman in the world he has eyes for and wants to be with! All I’m saying is that you really shouldn’t get too hung up on what a man tells you because you can’t talk your way into a relationship. It has to develop with two people mutually liking each other (first phase); then if you get along well it organically evolves into a relationship when you both fall in love (second phase); and then a strong bond and solid partnership is developed from there.

Most relationships crumble/fall apart in the first and second phase due to a host of reasons such as incompatibility, too much conflict/drama, not ready, fill in the blank. The less issues you have, and supportive you both are in reaching goals together, the more promising a true commitment (marriage) will take place.

A couple of my customers have been dating for over a year. They just got a new place and moved in together a couple months ago as he lived over an hour away from where he worked, and she lived, so it was the next progressive step in their relationship. She told me last week he surprised her by ‘proposing’ and I was so happy for her! I totally understand WHY he did as she’s one of those ‘cool girls’…calm, no drama, down to earth, and they truly work as A TEAM, and that’s what a good relationship looks like.