Home › Forums › How To Get My Ex Back › How to get an Avoidant-Personality Ex Back?
- This topic has 75 replies and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by
Niamh ODriscoll.
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Sara
But he loved me enough to be with me
For 2 years. So maybe he really would’ve proposed if I had just never mentioned future or marriage, ever, the way he warned me not to. The only thing that goes against that theory; he says he broke up w his ex after 3.5 years because she wanted to talk about getting engaged and he didn’t so he dumped her.Andy
3.5 years is too long. 2 years should be sufficient to figure out the next move. I’ve figured out that I wanted to marry a girl within a year. I’ve also figured out that I didn’t want anything to do with the girl within the first few days. Why can’t you move on? Why aren’t you interested in seeing someone new? Why…. never mind, I know why. No need to answer those questions. This is just going to drag on until those feelings you’re having slowly fade away.
Sara
Nothing should have to fade. He liked me enough to take me around work functions and out w friends, and agreed to let me move into his place. So after 14 months when I brought up that he hadn’t said I love you back and wouldn’t talk about maybe moving in together, future, marriage or anything… Why did he immediately say something “nice” but then try to sneak out to a bar alone and flirt with this other girl for a while? And then threaten to break up w me if I kept bringing up future? He said this right from our first convo
Anonymous
Sara: who knows and who cares. You’re co-dependent and delusional and for some reason obsessed with this man. You are clearly going to keep ignoring everyone’s advice, you do not want help. You will analyze and agonize over this narcissist ad until doomsday. Enough already. Take it somewhere else, your story is beyond tiresome.
Sara
I am dying inside. How could I call him in pain after a car accident and he lacks the empathy to say a single semi nice thing… Just ends up telling me he doesn’t love me and we’re never getting back together. That seems insanely cruel and cold and robotic. Even for someone whose family says he’s “forgotten” them and whose coworkers say he thinks he’s God and blows off others’ concerns. When he brought my
Mom flowers she said “I felt like I was supposed to be pleased bc he was doing the right things, but his face was cold as ice and he was so robotic that I couldn’t just be happy with it.” And that’s how I felt about many interactions w him. Like I must be crazy, anxious and insecure bc he was saying or doing some of the “right” things and yet I was still not convinced he loved meAnonymous
SARA: HE’S A FUCKING NARCISSIST. CALL A COUNSELOR and get into therapy… if this is a real post.
Sara
People in real life have been telling me he’s that, or a sociopath. Cold, robotic, and unable to feel empathy. Yet I’m torturing myself bc I keep believing if I were “good enough,” then he wouldn’t tell me he doesn’t love me and would’ve been receptive to marrying me.’I cannot shake this feeling of blame, ever. It haunts me.
Kate
Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath, Borderline Personality…all that matters is that he has some sort of psychological disorder and there is NOTHING you can do to change or fix it. It also has NOTHING to do with YOU! He was like this in his last relationship and he will be like this in every relationship going forward. He’s probably been this way for most of his life.
He was never going to marry you. He kept you around (just like his last gf) so long as he could control you with alternating nice/horrible treatment, and threatening to leave you if you expressed your desire for marriage and family. It was a game to him and he DOES lack empathy, which means he will never really care how you feel about anything. This is why he doesn’t care about the accident. He is NOT MENTALLY CAPABLE OF CARING.
Again, this is not about you at all, or anything you’ve done or not done, or the fact that you’re not “good enough”…it’s about the physiology and chemistry of his brain. You could be perfect in every way and the most beautiful woman on the planet and he would still treat you this way because it’s is how he’s wired.
Why would you want to marry someone who is incapable of empathy or true emotional connection?? You have to know that you deserve better than that. Have you had other relationships where someone showed you they loved you and treated you well ALL the time? If you were to go back to him, you would be even more in his control and he would eventually drag you down into the black, deep hole in which he exists. Please Please PLEASE seek professional help. Do you have access to counseling? Can you move farther away from him? Live with family for a while until you feel stronger?
Maria
Sara, why do you want to be “good enough for him”? What are you trying to prove? Are you trying to “win” him? Is it a twisted ego trip for you? What is it that you have so good with him that you can’t let go? Tell me? Please tell me what it is that is so good for you?
You do understand that he is a sociopath and a narcissist and an abuser (not physically, not yet). You mentioned what other people say about him, you even noticed yourself things he did that were obnoxious.
So why are you trying to win his heart? You say “it is not all bad”. Does it have to be all bad for you? How bad does it have to be? Women here thought you were a troll, it is almost impossible to believe that anyone can tolerate these type of things, that any woman in these day and age would be THAT delusional and that self destructive.
Are you trying to self-destruct your life using him? You “understand” why he is like that, so good, you do, does it mean you need to sacrifice yourself? What about YOUR life? You are not his doctor, you are not his prison guard, you are not his saviour, you are not his mother, you are a woman and YOU HAVE ONE LIFE ONLY.
We are all screaming at you that you are being emotionally abused to the point of disbelief. You don’t even see it. You cling to a couple of phrases that he said to you about marriage, you cling to them so badly, you retyped that episode twice.
Sara, read the posts again, read what other women are saying, EVERYONE is telling the same thing, people rarely agree like that on something, but this time, everyone is telling you the same, and everyone is pleading to you – open your eyes, stop thinking about him, think about yourself.
What is it that is so good for you with him Sara? Why are you trying to win him? Why are you trying to be good enough for him? What are you trying to prove to yourself and others? that YOU can change this sick person? Nobody could but YOU will, is that it? Do you understand that you will end up having a miserable life with this man? Are you both power hungry and addicted to misery?
Max
I commented on the suicidal post once telling that girl that NO guy is worth it. This post is as critical. You need serious help.
Why do you think that you can change his fundamental character? He is not like this because of you.
He does not love you and he will never love you.
You need to get out and start rebuilding your self worth.
Sara
While talking to a friend I remembered something else. he always does this temporary dumping thing. After being together 1 year I asked “hey have you thought at all about us living together?”, which resulted in him shouting, ripping up and throwing a card at me that had contained a spare key to his apartment as a gift (he clarified that he was not asking me to move in, but it had been a “step”), and broke up w me. He only took me back after a full day of me sobbing miserably. And then he wouldn’t talk about the issue, just tried to pretend everything was normal. Why????
kate
“And then he wouldn’t talk about the issue, just tried to pretend everything was normal. Why????”
Because he has a severe mental disorder.
Rose
Why do you want him back???
He seems like a nightmare.
Sara
OMG Sara. Are you kidding ? This is not fun or normal in any way. Have you not got friends and family around you right now to help get you away from this dangerous situation ? Why cant you see this person for the monster he is ? Why dont you want better from a relationship and yourself ? I think you need some serious help as well. Speak to your family and friends as soon as you can. x
Anonymous
And why does this post go on and on, and why does everyone keep indulging someone who has made it clear she doesn’t want help, she just wants to hang on to the past??
Anonymous
This is YOU, SARA:
n a codependent relationship, the codependent’s sense of purpose is based on making extreme sacrifices to satisfy their partner’s needs. Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn’t have self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both parties completely depend on their loved one for fulfillment. There is almost always an unconscious reason for continuing to put another person’s life ahead of your own, and often it is because of the mistaken notion that self-worth comes from other people.
Particularly problematic pairings include:
Personality disorder and codependent pairing:
Borderline personality disorder. There is a tendency for loved ones of people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) to slip into caretaker roles, giving priority and focus to problems in the life of the person with BPD rather than to issues in their own lives. Too often in these kinds of relationships, the codependent will gain a sense of worth by being “the sane one” or “the responsible one”.
Narcissistic personality disorder. Codependents of narcissists are sometimes called co-narcissists.Narcissists, with their ability to get others to buy into their vision and help them make it a reality, seek and attract partners who will put others’ needs before their own. Codependents can provide the narcissist with an obedient and attentive audience — the perfect backdrop. Among the reciprocally interlocking interactions of the pair are the narcissist’s overpowering need to feel important and special, and the co-dependent’s strong need to help others feel that way.
Sara
Wow, that second description (with the narcuasust( sounds dead on. A girl who knew my ex when he was dating his last gf once told me, “He needs someone who will stand up to him more.” The comment struck me as odd, but it makes sense when I later read his ex gf’s texts that said even his best friend’s parents warned her that my ex “was just using her of convenience and will dump her once it’s not easy.” Which for my ex, I guess was when she brought up getting engaged and also called him out on messaging other girls “hey sexy” immediately after sleeping with him.
Maria
Sara,when people provide you feedback, it is normal for the original poster to address each person’s comment and say something about it, i.e. what you think of it, what your reaction was. Why don’t you do that? There are so many comments, people took time to respond to you, trying to help you, but you are “ignoring” most of the comments. I’d like to know what would be your thoughts in response to what was said to you by Kaye, Kate, Stephanie, Max, me, and others.
Lena
I could NEVER stay in a situation THAT long where I felt I was totally being controlled. It is NOT up to HIM to tell you IF you CAN or CANNOT talk about marriage and IF that’s brought up the ‘punishment’ is dumping you. Oh my God this man is sick, and I don’t what country he’s from but here’s my two cents –
He does NOT want to marry YOU because one day he’ll meet and marry one of his own kind, period. Move on please.
Jordan
Is this even real?
redcurleysue
Never try to teach a pig to sing….you will only get frustrated and annoy the pig.
So, let me understand this. You want this man to love you and marry you. When you are hurting and need someone to come to the hospital you want him to care enough and think enough of you to do that. You want him to be warm and loving. You want him not to see other girls. You want him to feel for you and think about you.
Ok….no problem….I will just take out my magic wand with fairy dust attached and circle it three times over my head and say the right words that will make him all you wish he was but is not.
While I am at it I think I will end world hunger, war, rape, illness and taxes.
What do you mean I don’t have that kind of control or power? I am also sending the whammy to all hatred, prejudice, and despair.
As good as my intentions are I cannot change any of these. I can only change myself.
And with all my pretty well meaning words I cannot even make you see the light.
m
Hi, everyone. This post is specifically addressed to Maria’s question. No offense to Sara or anyone else here but think Sara also has some kind of mental disorder happening (that or she is a troll, which could also indicate some kind of personality disorder). Anyway, it appears Sara wants to vent and ruminate on all the details of this man and how poorly he has treated her and it doesn’t appear that she wants help or advice. It seems she wants us all to just listen, and listen and listen. This conversation is very one-sided and not at all the way a normal conversation would go, whether in-person or online. He lack of responses to people’s very carefully chosen and thoughtful words is disturbing.
There is definitely a psychological issue going on here (with both Sara and the man she’s posting about)The more we respond and engage, the more we’re rewarding this dysfunctional behaviour.
Sara: seek help from a qualified counsellor and/or psychiatrist.
Good luck on your road to recovery. You are going to have to see this behaviour within yourself before u make any real change or seek help. It’s clear it doesn’t matter what anyone else says to you.. you will continue with this obsession and attention seeking until you, yourself, realize how destructive it is
Anonymous
Well said m.
IF this is real, and I’m not convinced it is, she’s just as much of a narcissist as he is. She just wants to keep getting our attention, when it’s clear she doesn’t want help, she’s just grandstanding.
Thread closed… please everyone, stop feeding the co-narc or troll. If you’re real Sara, please get some help in your area, we’re done enabling you to keep this shit up.
Lauren
So a man who really doesn’t give a fu-class about di-ck all even his family..”chooses” you and that’s why u stay? Lol he did choose you he is just lazy and your convenient for him….
He couldn’t be bothered to put effort else where
prina
I live with aaavoidant, most of the time in the last year he has been caring but I have learned not to need too much emotionally .when I was in a car accident and needed him he acted bazaar.At a year when I wanted to talk about the future he has totally become nasty putting Me down and angry.since then it’s rocky all the time. I think now he is seeing someone behind my back. The escape plan I read about. We are in therapy but don’t know if we can get the help we need fast enough. I feel for anyone with avoidant.
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